When I entered Sophie’s house, my eyes immediately caught up to the change. In the middle of the divider that separated the living room from the dining, sat a rectangular fish tank that glowed blue. In it, tiny orange fishes swam about the constraint of the rectangle. Those had not been there two days ago.
“Oh.” Sophie stopped beside me, placing her hands on her hips as she watched over the tank. “I got them yesterday. I thought having another living thing would make my house more…life-y? Whatever. They’re cute, aren’t they?”
Focusing on the tiny creatures with bulging eyes and suction mouth, I remember when I was eight, mom mentioned to Charles that she was craving fish but that we were out of it. And so I scooped the fish out of the tank, with lots of struggle, and poorly attempted to fry it for dinner. Charles cried for Ray (he named the fish) while I was not allowed to have dinner that night. “They’re ugly.”
“Will you eat if I cook for you?” I asked when we gravitated towards the kitchen. The inside of her fridge was filled with food, obviously untouched despite nearing the expiration dates. Sophie explained that she had been losing appetite lately, feeling like she’s about to throw up every time she eats more than four spoonful of anything and thus, ended up just staying away from food unless her stomach starts to growl.
“Well, I mean…It’ll be rude if I didn’t.”
“Do you want me to?”
Sophie rolled her eyes, hopping on the counter. “Fine, yes.”
I decided on chinese soup noodles with chunks of chicken and vegetables, not too heavy for Sophie’s appetite hopefully. One more day of barely eating she’ll end up looking like a skeleton.
“You don’t wear the ring anymore?”
Placing down the knife, I glanced at my finger where the ring should be, only that it wasn’t. “It–it was just–I was wearing it when I left the house.” I have taken it out when I showered but slipped it back on right after I dried, like I always do.
“It must’ve been lost then.”
“That can’t be right. I’ll look for it. Perhaps it slid off somewhere here. I was sure I had it on me when I left.” I felt for my ring finger, only now noticing the feeling of it not having any accessory on.
“Hey, hey. Sabine, look at me.” Palms held my cheeks, forcing me to look up at those green eyes. I let out a breath I wasn’t aware I was holding. “It’s okay. How about later instead? I’m sure it’s just here somewhere. We’ll find it, and if not, I’ll buy you a new one.” She shrugged with a smile like it wasn’t a big thing. The ring was an expensive one, I did not want to appear ungrateful by losing it. Hopefully it just fell in the living room.
After having lunch, Sophie and I looked for the ring but did not find it anywhere, I insisted on going to out to trace my steps but Sophie asked if we could just lay down outside the garden instead. I did not want to, but when she looked at me in a way that I can’t understand, I find myself not being able to say no. How can a single look hold that much power?
“Can I call you Sabby?” Sophie played with the tips of my hair as she laid her head on my lap while I leaned back on the trunk of the tree. The February air is becoming less chilly with every passing day, bringing the reminder of the impending death of Sophie Astor.
“You can do whatever you want.”
“But I don’t want to upset you if you don’t like it.”
“I won’t get upset.”
“But do you like it?
“I’m neutral about it. It’s a nickname.”
Sitting up, the blonde crossed her legs, facing me. “So, if I call you baby, you’d be neutral about it?”
“No. Don’t call me that.”
“See?!”
My jaw clenched at the tone she used and I suddenly had the want to throttle her.
A laugh momentarily disrupted the thought. Sophie tilted her head back as she laughed like I said the funniest joke known to humankind. “I’m annoying you.”
“No, you’re not,” I say but I can feel my hands wanting to form a fist.
Staring at me for a couple of seconds, Sophie’s lips grinned slowly before once again, releasing a laugh. “You so are.”
“I should go.” I attempted to stand up but was held down by a hand gripping my wrist.
“Why?”
“I don’t want to be around you at the moment.”
“See? That’s annoyance. You don’t want to be with me right now. What else are you thinking.”
Sighing, I stopped trying to take off her hand and just sat back to my earlier position. “I want to step on your foot.”
“Okay, what else?”
“I want to throttle you.”
“Well, I do wish the circumstances are different but I’ll take what I can get.” A smug look on her face made me raise my eyebrow.
“You’ll let me throttle you?” Someone who’ll willingly let another person throttle them. Interesting.
“Only in bed.”
“Why? It’ll feel the same anywhere.”
“Will it?” Sophie curled strands of my hair with her finger, tugging it lightly.
Sophie laughed with a laughter so childish despite her age, a sound I can never produce.
“I don’t understand you.”
Patting my head, she laid down once again on my thigh. “Where’s the fun in understanding everything?”
Understanding everything is not going to be “fun” for how can you have fun whilst being burdened with the knowledge of the past, present, and future suffering of all things seen and unseen?
But then again when it comes down to it, I don’t believe understanding everything is the goal, it’s accepting despite the differences.
A circle of bubble popped on my right cheek, causing me to flinch and wipe the liquid. Sophie had brought out a bottle of bubbles and started blowing, filling the surroundings with it. The inside of the bubbles distorted the sky and trees with its rainbow swirls, floating around until it pops without intervention, reminding me that there is beauty in the fragile.
“Do you love me?” Head still on my lap, Sophie continued blowing bubbles into the air. Strands of her dark-blonde hair that escaped her now messy ponytail almost hid her forest green eyes. Pink appeared on her cheeks despite the paleness of her skin. I would’ve thought she didn’t have blood left for a blush.
“No, I don’t think so.”
Some say that love makes people act irrationally, some cannot define love and mysteriously says “you’ll know when you’re in love”, some goes as far as to say that it’s the meaning of life, which one is it? I think it’s a feeling of intense happiness, seeing as pictures of people in love are always of them smiling. But then again, how would I know what love is without something to compare it to? Me, of all people who isn’t even sure what happiness exactly feels like.
“I think I’ll go to bed now. I’m exhausted.”
“Okay.”
Sophie stood up, staggering a little. “Do you need help?”
She waved her hand slightly, as if doing so required too much of her energy. I stood up as well. “No, I got it. Can you see yourself out?”
“I don’t think so. If I have a mirror, maybe?”
Sophie laughed softly, much different from earlier. It sounded painful. “I meant if you can go out of the house without me walking you to the door.”
“Oh. Yes, of course.”
“Okay.” Nodding slowly, she stood still for a second, like she was going to say something but decided not to. The tip of her lips barely tugged up to form a smile. Is it even a smile if her eyes did not shine the way it usually does?
I watched Sophie’s back until she rounds the corner to her bedroom. Dusting off the grass that stuck on my jeans, I walked towards the gate.
Sophie did not hug me today.
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