october, age 17
As much as Lucas liked the structure of working to a deadline, the security of having a date by which things needed to be done, things that he could order into a timely list, he was on the cusp of tearing his hair out with the latest stage of his university applications. Although that wasn’t something that most of his friends were worrying about yet, he was following in his sister’s footsteps with his sights set high. While Asher had yet to write his personal statement or narrow down the universities he wanted to apply to, Lucas had had to get the ball rolling early with his application to read English at Cambridge.
Having already sent in his UCAS application and the extended questionnaire, there was less than a week to go before he was due to sit the ELAT, the admissions test for English literature. As comfortable as he was with the skills, confident that he knew what he was talking about, he couldn’t help but find the stress a little overwhelming sometimes. He had studied past papers, carrying out analyses of the texts they provided that his mother and Audrie had then read over, adding notes.
There was little more he could do to prepare. Now he was just playing the waiting game, counting down the days until he was due to head into school to sit the exam that would decide his future. It was just one of the nerve-wracking stages he needed to suffer through to head to the university he had set his eyes on from the start: he had spent all summer writing and rewriting his personal statement, only happy with it on the day that he had submitted the application four months later. That essay and this exam would determine whether or not he got an interview. That worry was for another day, though.
There was no denying that Lucas was book smart. He was beyond book smart with a genius IQ of 148, his brain easily spotting connections and patterns that others missed, and he had excelled in his last two sets of exams. After months of tormenting himself with GCSE revision and an agonising summer waiting for his results, he had come out with eleven A* grades and when the AS-level results had come out two months ago, he hadn’t been disappointed.
Although it was impossible to get A*s at that level, his grades had been worthy of them. He hadn’t dropped a single mark in his English coursework, his exam only three marks off the top. History had proved much the same, his coursework boosting his overall score up into the high nineties and despite all the warnings he had been given about physics, he had come out at the top of the class with the highest score the school had seen for several years. Even French, a subject in which he’d had shaky confidence, had been a pleasant surprise. While his raw marks had been a few shy of his target, converting them to UMS had pushed him very comfortably into the high A grade range.
The addition of his most recent qualification in British Sign Language, achieving his level three certificate just four intense years after he had started learning the language, gave him an edge as a candidate. He was a versatile learner, easily switching from the poetry of English to the formula of maths to the linguistics of speaking three languages. While his French wasn’t fluent, he was getting there, and his signing had come on in leaps and bounds thanks to the course that Bree and Kit had subsidised. It was expensive to get the official qualification but it was worth it, passing his knowledge onto his parents and siblings.
On paper, there was nothing holding him back. In reality, the only thing in his way was himself. He was his own worst enemy – especially now that the only enemy he’d ever had was out of the picture – and the times that he slipped up were the times that he piled up so much pressure on himself that he cracked under the weight. The exam would be ok, he was fairly certain of that, but the prospect of an interview terrified him. He hadn’t even been offered one yet but the thought already made him feel sick, having to prove himself in person with no idea what they might ask.
Sitting at the computer, he had to force himself to sit straight and lean back, sucking in a deep breath. Five days to go until the ELAT. He was ready. Although he would never truly feel ready, he was. He knew everything there was to know about the test and the course, his obsessive memory and fixation with patterns helping him out immensely. He took off his glasses to clean the lenses and rub his tired eyes after spending all morning brushing up his knowledge. Half term had only just started but he couldn’t relax.
“How’s it going?” Truman asked as he passed through the conservatory on his way into the kitchen. He had been outside for a couple of hours now, working on the garden while the girls played around him. Liliana was ten now and her green thumb was beginning to show, taking after her father and her sister in the flowerbeds. Felicity was more interested in creating her own fantasy worlds that she tried to share with Charlotte. A lot of their play didn’t need words, expressing themselves through their clothes and their art and the grins on their faces.
When Lucas looked up at the sound of his stepfather’s voice, he heard Charlotte laughing outside and he couldn’t help but smile. She had the most infectious laugh, a giggle that could put a smile on anyone’s face. It was virtually the only sound her family ever heard her make, but that laugh alone made up for her lack of a voice.
“Lucas? You ok?” Truman asked, peeling off his gardening gloves.
Lucas nodded, glancing at the screen before he closed the lid of his laptop. “Just driving myself crazy,” he said, rubbing his forehead. “Maybe I should just go to Callaghan.”
Callaghan was a good university, its degrees and its teaching well-respected, and it was a popular choice for Farnleigh residents with its campus just a few miles outside town. But it wasn’t what Lucas wanted. He wanted the best, if only to prove that he could do it.
“You know what we want for you, Lucas,” Truman said. “All we want is for you to go where you’re happy, whether that’s Cambridge or Callaghan. I loved my time in Birmingham; your mum and dad both had a great time at Callaghan; Audrie seems to be really enjoying Oxford. You know, my brother never went to university but he had no regrets.”
“I know, I know,” Lucas said. He was well versed in his parents’ insistence that he did what made him happy. Sometimes they struggled to see that beyond all the stress, beneath the layers of frustration about the application process, that was exactly what he was pursuing. He knew himself. He knew he wanted the best and he knew he could handle it. It was just a matter of getting there first. “Thanks.”
“Anything I can help you with?”
“No. I’ve done the main application, this is just revising for the admissions test. Except you can’t really revise for it,” he said with a heavy sigh. “It’s fine.”
“Well, let me know if you ever need a hand,” Truman said. “It’s a lovely day outside. You should come out and join us.”
“I will.” He stood, smoothing out the creases in his top from sitting down for so long. “Do you know when Mum’s getting back?”
Truman pursed his lips and shook his head. “I’m not even sure where she went, to be honest. She just said she was going out. Possibly lunch with Laura?” He checked his watch. “I think she said she’d be an hour or two so … I reckon she’ll be back soon.”
Lucas nodded to himself and stepped outside. It was an unseasonably warm autumn day, the sun gently heating his cheeks with a cool breeze that stopped it from being too hot. Liliana was crouched down next to her own flowerbed in a pair of her father’s wellies, forgoing the gloves as she got down and dirty, pulling up potatoes. Her love for the vegetable had only grown once she had started growing her own, planting, picking and cooking them herself with her father’s supervision.
“Look at this one!” she cried out, holding up an enormous potato that dwarfed the spuds in her trug. “It’s huge!”
“That’s a whopper, tater,” Lucas said. “You and Flossie could probably share that.”
Liliana hugged the potato to her chest, her eyes darting over to her little sister. As much as she adored her sisters, that love didn’t quite extend to sharing any more than their room. She liked to have her own toys and books and most of all, her own potatoes. When her parents had given her her own square of land in the garden for her to do whatever she wanted, she had been over the moon. It was all hers, and she had wasted no time in sowing potatoes. “But it’s mine. I grew it and I picked it. I want to have it for supper.”
“You could have that for three suppers,” he said with a laugh. Liliana nestled the potato amongst the others in her trug, dirt clumping under her nails as she dug her hands into the soft soil to pull up the potatoes for supper. She always picked too many, getting carried away in the garden, but it didn’t go to waste when the leftovers were thrown out for the chickens the next day. There were always birds in the garden when Truman routinely replenished the stock after old age and foxes dwindled the number on the perch.
Lucas heard a car pull up outside, his eager ears picking up the sound of his mother’s key in the lock on the other side of the house. He stepped into the conservatory but he stopped when he saw her in the kitchen with a look of pale numbness on her face. As much as he knew he shouldn’t intrude, that he should either leave or let her know he was there, he couldn’t persuade his feet to move.
“Hi, darling,” Truman said before he turned away from the sink and his hackles rose at the sight of his wife. “Sarah? Are you alright? Where’ve you been?”
“I, uh…” She trailed off, dropping her bag onto the counter. “I went to the doctor.”
“What for? Is something wrong? Darling, you haven’t mentioned anything. What’s going on?” His frown deepened. Lucas’s heart skipped a beat. Doctors made him nervous enough already and that wasn’t helped by his mother’s expression. She looked utterly thunderstruck. The last time he had seen her like that, she had just been told that Charlotte would never hear. This time she was alone.
“I didn’t want to tell you before I was sure,” she said, rubbing the heel of her palm over her chest. She rooted in her bag and took out a slip of paper that she handed to her husband. “I’m sure.”
Truman’s face went through a hundred expressions as he stared down at the ultrasound in his hand. Elation won, a grin breaking out over his lips. “Oh my goodness. You’re pregnant?”
She nodded, her arms crossed over her chest.
“We weren’t even trying,” he said, staring at the picture. “Darling, this is wonderful. Isn’t it? Are you ok?” He pulled her in for a hug and she began to cry the moment he wrapped his arms around her. Lucas couldn’t tear his eyes away from the scene in front of him, his brain swirling. His mother was pregnant. A new baby, right as he was finishing his final year of high school. Charlotte was almost five: he had thought his mother was done having children. By the looks of it, so had she.
Sarah pulled away and wiped her eyes, pointing at the scan. “Look a little closer.” She tapped the fuzzy black and white image. Truman did as he was told. Lucas saw the exact moment the colour seemed to drain from his cheeks.
“Wait a second.” He stared closer. Sarah covered her eyes, one hand on her stomach. “Sarah? Is this what I think it is?”
She didn’t ask what he meant. She just nodded. Truman choked. Lucas wished they would say it out loud.
“Oh my goodness. Oh my…” He trailed off. “There are three, Sarah. Three.”
“Triplets,” she said quietly. Lucas was sure her simultaneously felt his heart jump to his throat and drop to his feet, his skin flushing hot and cold as he realised what he had just heard.
“I don’t know what to do, Tru. How on earth do we do this? It’s triplets. That’s three babies. We weren’t even trying for one. I don’t know what to do.”
He pulled her into another hug, soothing her in his arms. “We can do it, darling. Of course we can. Look at us.”
“I’m just scared,” she murmured. “I’m not exactly young. Triplets at thirty-seven is risky. It’s so risky. I’m so scared. We don’t have the money or the space or-“
“Hey.” He put his hands on her shoulders, his love for his wife overshadowing the fear that he didn’t want to reflect back onto her. “Sarah. We will be absolutely fine. How long have you known?”
She wiped her eyes and let out a shaky sigh. “I had a feeling a couple of weeks ago,” she said. “I wasn’t sure. I didn’t think I could be. This was the first appointment I could get and I didn’t want to worry you before I knew for certain, but now I do know for certain and I don’t know what to do. I was scared enough that I was right. I never even thought about this.”
“It’s just another hurdle of life. We’ve just got to jump,” he said. “Are you ok?”
“I will be,” she said, comforted by his words. Lucas couldn’t believe what he was hearing, as though his ears were playing tricks on him. “I don’t want to tell the kids yet, though. It’s still so early and the doctor said it’s a high risk pregnancy. What if I lose one? What if I lose them all?”
The fear in his mother’s voice sent a stake through Lucas’s heart. He wished he had minded his own business, that he had stayed in the garden or he had said hello when she had come through the door. He felt dirty for having eavesdropped on the conversation, though he was standing in plain sight. If his mother just turned her head a little to the right,a he would see her speechless son standing a foot away from the door.
“That’s something we deal with if it happens. We’ll be ok, darling. Martha knows what it’s like to be pregnant with triplets; Lincoln knows what it’s like to raise them. We can talk to them. They can help,” Truman said, referring to his brother and their sister who had been the surrogate. He always knew what to say when his wife worked herself up. She’d had two whole weeks to worry herself sick, not daring to take a test when she wanted the absolute confirmation, and now her fear was threefold.
Sarah nodded and lifted her head. When she spotted Lucas, she gasped. It was obvious from the look on his face that he had heard. Her eyes watered again and her face fell. “Lucas, baby,” she said. He stepped into the kitchen.
“You’re having triplets?” he asked, his voice hoarse. Sarah slowly nodded.
“I didn’t mean for you to hear like this,” she said. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there, baby. I know it’s a shock. I … I can’t believe it at all.”
“That’s three babies,” he said, trying to get his head around it. “Three at once. That’s like having Liliana, Flossie and Lottie all at the same time.”
Sarah pressed her lips together. “Trust me, I am painfully aware of that fact,” she said. That had been one of her first thoughts when the sonographer had rolled the doppler over her stomach and shown her the three separate fetuses. Fraternal triplets. She passed the scan to Lucas.
“At least they’re not identical,” Truman said, trying to lighten the mood.
“All babies look the same,” Lucas added. “When are you due?”
“The end of April.”
“Maybe I should book a vasectomy for then,” Truman said. Sarah gave him a tired smile, part of her wishing they had done that a few months ago. She had accepted that Charlotte was their last child: she couldn’t have been happier with her children but the apple cart was about to be flung across the orchard.
“The end of April?” Lucas asked. His mother nodded. “My exams start in May.”
She gave him a slightly awkward smile. Truman held her, his chin on top of her head and his hands clasped over her stomach. “I guess you’re going to be spending a lot of time with your dad, then.”
He pursed his lips. There was no way he would be able to concentrate if there were three new babies in the house. It was hard enough just with his sisters. “Maybe.” He took a moment to remember his sympathetic side. “Congrats, Mum. We’ll get through it alright.”
She smiled and reached out for his hand. “Thank you, hun. I know we will. It’s just a lot to take in.” She pushed her hair off her face and sighed. “Don’t tell your sisters yet, ok? I just want to give it another month, just in case. You know how they get. I don’t want to get their hopes up and then have something go wrong.”
He nodded. The thought of something going wrong churned his stomach, nauseated by the idea that not everything went to plan all the time.
“Don’t worry yourself, hun,” Sarah said, spying the flicker of doubt in her son’s eyes. “I’m sure we’ll be fine. I just want to give Dad and I some time to get used to this before we tell the girls.”
“I know. I get it,” he said. “So, you’re probably going to have to save up for three new prescriptions.”
Sarah laughed, touching her own glasses. “Probably,” she said. “Hey, maybe we’ll even get a boy this time.”
Lucas wrinkled his nose. Although he wasn’t sure he needed any more sisters than the five he had, he was equally unsure about not being the only boy anymore. “I guess we’ll see.” He stepped forward to hug his mother, unprompted, and she smiled when she wrapped her arms around him. He had come a long way since the little boy he had been before she and Truman had married and Sarah’s overwhelming pride for her children went some way to reassure her that the future ones would be just fine.
*
After an early supper, by which point Lucas had managed to tone down his shock enough to not let his sisters know that there was something different and his mother had painted on her smile once more, Lucas’s phone rang with Asher’s grin filling the screen.
“Hi,” he said when he answered. He wasn’t a fan of talking on the phone, struggling to know when it was his turn to talk and what he should say, but he didn’t worry about that with Asher, who couldn’t care less if he needed to be a little extra patient sometimes.
“Hey, whatcha doing?” Asher asked. Lucas could hear Bishop in the background, and Sadie’s sweet voice.
“Nothing, really,” Lucas said. “Spent about five hours preparing for the ELAT.”
“That’s what I was afraid of,” Asher said with a dramatic sigh. “It isn’t until Thursday and you’re going to ace it because you’re the smartest guy I know.”
Lucas heard Bishop jokingly protest on the other end of the line.
“Anyway, I was thinking we could ring in the half term properly. You, me, Mika, Tom and Mawar. It’s kinda lonely at home at the moment. I could use a handful of best friends, a couple of drinks, maybe a movie marathon?”
He could hear the grin in his best friend’s voice. It put a smile on his lips. “Yeah, that sounds good. Did you call the others already?”
“Of course not,” he said, and he chuckled when he added, “You’re first on my list, baby.”
Lucas tried to stop his heart from seizing too heart, his chest clenching to hear the affection in Asher’s voice. He had always been an affectionate person, freely giving out hugs and proclamations of his love for his friends, but it was getting harder to hear. “Ok, well, I’ll ring Tom. You call Mawar.”
“And Mika?” Asher asked. They both laughed. “Never mind. I bet you a tenner she’s with Tom.”
“You sound like your mum,” Lucas said.
“She knows what she’s talking about.” Asher let out a dry laugh. “I’m not sure I’ve ever known her lose a bet.”
“Well, I’m not going to take you up on that bet,” Lucas said. “I don’t have a tenner to spare. What time shall I come over?”
“Whenever you want. The sooner the better, of course. I think Mawar might be working today but she’s usually done by six anyway. See you soon?”
“See you soon,” Lucas echoed. As soon as he ended the call with Asher, he dialled Tom’s number. It rang four times.
“Hey, Lucas.”
That wasn’t Tom’s voice. Lucas stifled a laugh when it was Mika who picked up the phone. “Hi, Mika. Are you with Tom?”
“Yup! Sorry, he just nipped to the loo and I saw it was you so I answered. Anything I can help you with? He should be out in a sec.”
“Are you out?”
“Oh, yeah. We just caught a film earlier, ended up grabbing something to eat afterwards,” Mika said. “What’s up?”
He smiled, strangely comforted to hear about the domesticities of Mika and Tom’s friendship. He loved to see Tom be so comfortable with someone, especially someone like Mika: he couldn’t have chosen someone better for Tom to befriend, someone who would be as good for him as Mika was. She knew exactly how he worked, knowing when to push on and when to step back, and when all he needed was a hug or an ear to listen to him.
“Asher just rang, he was wondering if you guys and Mawar and I would like to head over for a film night,” he said. “I’m going to head over soon, as long as I can get a lift.” He glanced outside where his parents were standing at the bottom of the garden, each drinking a glass of elderflower cordial. Truman always took a vow of sobriety when his wife was pregnant, staying away from alcohol for as long as she did. It was a telltale sign, but the girls were too young to notice that.
“Oh, yeah! That’d be cool. Oh, hold on. Tom’s here. Tom? D’you fancy heading over to Asher’s for a film night?” she asked. Lucas didn’t hear Tom’s response but it wasn’t long before Mika came back to him. “Yeah, we’ll be over! Did he say when?”
“Whenever you can make it,” Lucas said. “I’ll see you soon, then. Bye, Mika.”
“See you later!” She always sounded so chipper. It rarely failed to lift his spirits.
Putting his phone back on to charge, Lucas headed down to the bottom of the garden to talk to his parents. Charlotte was in bed already while Liliana and Felicity were old enough now not to need supervision as they wound down before bed with a bit of television. It was dark outside, the sky a stunning canvas of navy dotted with silver pinpricks.
“Hey, honey,” Sarah said when she noticed him. She had calmed down considerably, back to her usual self once her husband had reminded her that they had another seven months to plan and prepare and make sure they were ready by any means possible. They had savings, after all. They would just have to be dipped into a little sooner than expected. They had idly talked about a family trip to South Korea for Truman’s fiftieth, three years away, but that would have to go on hold indefinitely.
“Hey,” he said. “You ok?”
She smiled and nodded. She stood nestled against her husband, his arm draped around her shoulders to hold her close. “We’re alright,” she said. “You?”
He nodded. “Is there any chance I could get a lift to Asher’s soon? He asked me over for a film night with the guys.”
“The guys?” Truman asked. He wasn’t aware of too many guys in Lucas’s friendship circle.
“Asher, Tom, Mika, Mawar and me,” he said. “The usual crew. I think we’re just going to hang out, have a drink, watch some films. Is that ok?”
“Of course, hun,” Sarah said. Truman nodded at the door, digging into his pocket to take out his car key.
“I’ll give you a lift, no problem,” he said. “D’you need picking up?”
“Nah, I’ll stay,” Lucas said. “I think I can afford one night off ELAT prep.”
“You deserve one,” his stepfather said. “You’ve been working yourself to the bone all year – it’s half term. I know it’s hard with the test coming up but try to take some Lucas-time. Want to drive?”
Lucas shook his head. Although he had turned seventeen two whole months ago and all around him, his classmates were learning to drive or had already passed their tests, he hated to get behind the wheel. He had done it a couple of times, pottering around the village with one of his parents by his side, but it only set his nerves on edge. “I don’t think driving’s for me,” he said. “Not this year anyway.”
He had no intention of learning to drive anytime in the future. It was far too big a weight on his shoulders, the responsibility more of a burden. If he drove, he would be expected to drive his sisters around and as willing as he was to help out, he was too terrified by the thought of losing control and hurting his family.
On the way over, Truman stopped for petrol. When he came back to the car after paying, he handed Lucas a six-pack of the fruit cider he knew he liked.
“You didn’t need to get me anything,” Lucas said, holding the box on his lap. “Thank you.”
“You’re only young once,” Truman said. “You should enjoy yourself, Lucas. Before you know it you’ll have five kids and three on the way with a wife who throws up at the smell of wine when she’s pregnant.”
“I really won’t,” Lucas said, raising his eyebrows. “Something would have to go seriously wrong for that to happen.”
Truman spluttered a laugh, the lines around his eyes creasing. “Metaphorically, I suppose.”
“I’m not sure what my equivalent would be.”
“Do you reckon you want to get married?” Truman asked, raising his eyebrows. Lucas nodded. He fantasised about saying his vows someday, dressing up in a suit and proclaiming his love.
“I do.”
*
Tom and Mika were already there by the time Lucas arrived; Maddie waved as she drove off the other way round the drive after dropping the two off. Truman left with the promise that he would be over whenever Lucas gave him a ring the next day, pulling out of the driveway at the same time as Mawar drove in. A September baby, she’d had a whole year to learn to drive and she had passed her test a couple of months before her eighteenth birthday, her car a useful addition to the group.
“Hiya!” She grinned and waved at Lucas as she threw open her door and tripped out of the car, bouncing over to join him on the step as he knocked on the front door.
“Hey.” He lifted his right hand to wave, clutching the ciders in the other.
“Oh, nice, you brought drinks! Have you got a secret fake ID?”
“Yeah,” Lucas said. “I call it my stepdad.”
Mawar cracked into a laugh, beaming when Ishaana opened the door with Sadie on her hip and welcomed them in with a smile. Her pose was every part the mother as her tired daughter drifted off against her shoulder but her outfit didn’t quite match. She wore a stunning navy dress that accentuated her body in all the right places and a pair of heels that made her almost as tall as her husband. Her hair was pinned up in a perfect twist, her make-up as flawless as the delicate diamond pendant that rested above her cleavage.
“Hey, guys. I think the others are in the playroom.”
“Hey, Mrs J!” Mawar said. “You look awesome. Are you off somewhere?”
“Just an overdue date night,” Ishaana said. “I hope you guys don’t mind being in charge of Sadie, do you? I’m about to put her down and she should be out like a light; I doubt she’ll be any bother. I don’t care if you drink as long as you’re aware of her.”
“Aw, no, that’s totally fine,” Mawar said, sharing her contagious smile with the sleepy little girl. “Hey, Sadie.”
“We won’t be back any later than midnight but you know the drill,” Ishaana said, heading upstairs with her semi-dreaming daughter.
“We’ll keep an eye on her, don’t worry. Have a great date!” Mawar’s glossy locks bounced on her shoulders as she headed to the playroom once Ishaana had disappeared to the first floor. On the other side of the door Asher appeared to be locked in a deep debate with Mika though he jumped to his feet when he saw the last two arrive.
“Wahey, and that makes five! Did you guys come together?”
“Only from the driveway,” Lucas said. He set the ciders down on the table. “Long time no see, huh?”
Asher laughed. The five of them had been together at school all day yesterday. “Well, it’s always good to see you,” he said, looking at Lucas. He held up the beer he had already started drinking. “Cheers!”
*
There was something quite relaxing about hanging out with friends, drinking a couple of ciders and watching films that would have been a lot worse without a bit of alcohol to take the edge off. By the time he got to the end of his third can, Lucas felt himself loosen up a little in the comfort of company he enjoyed. It was easier to laugh at the terrible jokes, his brain freeing itself from the chains it so often seemed to get tangled up in.
Before clicking play on the third film after two slightly disappointing ninety-minute features, Asher got up with a sigh, his hands on his knees.
“Well, I’ve gotta break the seal,” he said. “I’m gonna grab a couple more beers from the kitchen – anyone want anything?”
“I’ll take one,” Mawar said. “Have you got any crisps or anything? I’ve kinda got the munchies.”
“Crisps, beer, got it.” He pointed at Lucas. “Anything?”
Lucas glanced at the empty six-pack. “D’you have any cider?” He was in the mood now. He didn’t want the gentle buzz to wear off, feeling more relaxed than he had since before the school year had started.
“Most likely,” Asher said. “I’ll see what I can dig up. Tom? Mika?”
Tom shook his head. Mika pursed her lips.
“Have you got a Coke?” she asked, her request seeming to spark something in Tom.
“Ooh, yeah, I’ll have a Coke.”
Asher grinned. The two of them were the epitome of tame, two of the most mild teenagers he had ever come across. The age difference seemed to show: while Mika was only recently sixteen, Asher would turn eighteen in six weeks. “Beer, cider, two Cokes, crisps, and a partridge in a pear tree,” he said, chuckling to himself as he headed off. Mawar instantly turned to Lucas, her hand on his knee.
“Hey, can we talk?” she asked.
“Um, yeah. What about?”
She nodded at the door and headed into the hallway before she slipped into the virtually unused dining room. Lucas followed, a frown brewing under the surface. He and Mawar were friends but they weren’t bosom buddies like she was with Mika: they didn’t share secrets and covert meetings.
“Hey,” she said, giving him a slightly awkward smile.
“Hi.”
“Ok, there’s no way I can’t be awkward about this so you’re just gonna have to put up with me for a minute,” she said, fidgeting with her top. “We need to talk about Asher.”
“Asher? Why?”
Mawar let out a sigh as she tried to piece together what she was trying to say. “Well, ok … well, I know you guys fell out when he was with Adler, right?”
Lucas nodded. It hadn’t taken long for the whole story to come out once they had realised they shared a hatred of the girl.
“Of course, I totally understand that when she’s such a poisonous cunt. I still don’t understand how Ash ever dated her, to be honest. He must have had a serious lapse in judgement.”
“He did.”
She smiled. “Anyway, I don’t want to be an Adler,” she said. “I don’t want to come between you two when you’re so close.” She looped her fingers together like a pair of interlocking rings. “The last thing I want to do is ruin anything, and I would hate to jeopardise our friendship because of anything like that. You’re one of my best friends, Lucas. You know that, right?”
“Really?” A smile wove its way around his heart.
“Absolutely!” Mawar cried out. “You all are, I love you guys so much. That’s why I wanted to talk to you before I do anything because you’re great, Lucas, and you’ve been so great to me and I don’t want to hurt you or make you angry. I don’t want to repeat the Adler thing.”
“Mawar?”
“Yes?”
“Do you like Asher?” he asked when he sensed where she was heading. She gave him a sheepish nod, a pink hue rising to her cheeks.
“I do,” she said. “But if me liking him is going to be a problem then I will keep it to myself, I promise. I do like him but I couldn’t do anything unless it was ok with you. You guys are, like, the closest friends I’ve ever seen and I love that. Just tell me if you want me to keep it to myself.”
Lucas found himself trapped between a rock and a hard place, juggling his love for his best friend with the deeply buried acknowledgement that nothing would ever happen. Asher would never like him in that way and he was kidding himself to ever believe otherwise. He knew that. It was hard to accept, but he knew it all the same.
“Asher’s my best friend,” he said. Mawar nodded. “Best friends are supposed to want the best for each other.” He worked through his thoughts as he spoke, his words a reflection of those scattered in his brain. “You don’t need to keep it to yourself, Mawar. I…” He trailed off, struggling to admit what he already knew. “I think he likes you too.” He swallowed hard. “I think you’d make a good couple.”
Mawar’s face lit up, her eyes sparkling. “You do?”
He nodded. It was true. He loved them both and he was fairly certain they liked each other too. It wasn’t his place to get in the way of that. “I do,” he said. Mawar threw her arms around him, holding on tight for a couple of seconds before she let him go.
“Thanks, Lucas. You have no idea how much that means to me. I swear, I would never do anything if you weren’t ok with it. Thank you so much.”
He smiled and hoped that one day the truth wouldn’t hurt so much.
Asher ducked into the room, two beers in one hand and a cider in the other. “There you are!” He passed Mawar a beer, holding out the cider to Lucas. He cracked it open, immediately taking a sip. The buzz had fizzled out, dampened by Mawar’s words. “Hey, Mar, mind if borrow Lucas for a sec?”
“Be my guest,” she said, giving Lucas a grateful smile before she slipped out of the room and Asher took her spot opposite his best friend.
“Hey,” he said. “Look, I need to ask you something.”
“You want to go out with Mawar?” Lucas asked, taking a stab in the not-so-dark.
Asher raised his eyebrows. “Wow. Um, yes, actually. How did you know?”
He shrugged, squashing the lump in his throat with a hard swallow of his cider. “Lucky guess.”
“Well, yeah. I, uh, I kind of want to ask her out on a date but considering how much of a disaster my love life has been and how right you were last time, I just … you’re my best friend. She might not even say yes, I don’t know. I want your seal of approval. Ok, now I just sound weird.” He laughed, running a hand through his hair. Lucas wished that was his hand. He wished that he was Mawar, that Asher ached to be with him.
“It’s not weird,” he said. “I appreciate it.”
“You do?”
He nodded. As painful as it was, it touched him that Asher had learnt, that he cared. “And yes, you have it. My approval. To go out with Mawar.”
Asher grinned. “You’re the best, Lucas.” He hugged him, clapping his back.
Lucas tried to wipe any residual melancholy from his smile. He pushed Asher’s shoulder. “Go get her, tiger.”
“I’m not going to do anything tonight,” Asher said. “Thanks, though. You really are the best, Lucas.” He hugged him again, harder and longer. “You coming back in?”
“In a minute,” Lucas said. Asher gave him an understanding smile, though Lucas wasn’t sure he really understood at all.
“Ok. I’m gonna go check on Sadie,” Asher said. “See you in a sec.”
He was alone. He took a moment to himself, suppressing a groan as he rubbed his eyes and ran both hands through his hair. He held his hands over his face for a minute, sucking in a deep breath, before he tried to let go of the ache in the pit of his stomach. Replacing his anguish with a neutral expression, he headed back to the playroom to find it empty. Tom and Mika had disappeared.
He did a U-turn, heading into the kitchen. A quick glance out of the window solved that mystery. The two of them were outside, cooling their cheeks in the night air. Lucas’s stomach tightened when he saw Tom reach for Mika’s hand. They laced their fingers together, unaware that they were being watched. Just a few feet from the window, standing on the porch, they held hands as though they had been together forever.
Lucas took a deep breath, his gaze lingering on them for long enough to see Mika turn to look up at Tom; he looked down at her. For a couple of seconds, neither moved until she slowly rose onto her tiptoes and still holding his hand, her other hand went to his shoulder. Their lips met, the gentlest of kisses in the night breeze.
Lucas turned away. Tom and Mika had each other. Asher and Mawar soon would too. He had nobody. The thought hit him like a thump to the stomach, a dull thud that clunked like the crash of a gong.
That was how Ishaana found him when she and Bishop arrived home just before midnight. Her laugh faded, her smile disappearing when she saw him sitting alone in the kitchen. He had only been there for a couple of minutes but it felt like forever.
“Hey there, soldier. What’s with the long face?”
Lucas looked up. She’d had a few drinks. He could tell that much. “I’m going to be a fifth wheel forever,” he said. He’d had a few drinks too. She could tell.
“Oh, honey. No you’re not,” she said, squeezing his shoulder as she passed to sit down beside him.
“I am. Tika’s a thing. Masher’s a thing.” He flapped his hand. He couldn’t always explain himself so well when he drank.
“Tikka and mash? Did you guys cook?” She frowned, utterly confused. “Lucas?”
“Tika. Tom and Mika. And Masher … Mawar, and Asher.” He clasped his hands together. “I’m on my own. I always will be. I’m always going to be on my own.” His lip wobbled, the alcohol weakening his emotions and further tangling his head when he didn’t have the sobriety he needed to understand the wires inside his brain. All he could see was himself in a bubble, isolated from his friends as they split off into their couples. Five was a bad idea, he decided. Someone was always going to get left alone. It was always going to be him.
“Oh, honey.” Ishaana put her arm around his shoulder and rubbed his arm. Her face fell to see the first tear that slipped down his cheek. She brushed it away with her thumb. “Hey, don’t cry, Lucas. You’re seventeen – you’ve got years ahead of you. Nothing’s set in stone when you’re seventeen. You’ve got your whole life to live. Where you are now, all of you, it’s not where you’ll end up.”
He bit his cheeks to try to curb his emotions and he briskly wiped his cheeks, swiping away the tears he cursed. “I’m going to head back,” he said, nodding at the hallway. “We were about to start another film.”
“Are you ok?”
He wasn’t. He nodded. “Fine.”
“Lucas?”
“Mmm?”
She didn’t know what to say. She gave him a sad smile, no longer as sure of her own convictions. “You’re going to be just fine,” she said. “I know it.”
He slipped out of the room, heading back to the playroom where Asher and Mawar were waiting for him, each of them wondering when they should make the first move. Tom and Mika had come in, red-cheeked from the wind and their kiss. It was the first for both of them.
Ishaana drooped over the counter. “Ugh. That poor kid,” she said, her head in her hands. Bishop poured her a cup of tea and took the seat Lucas had left.
“I think you’re going to owe me a hundred quid soon.”
She scowled at him, taking the tea to warm her hands. Her heart ached for Lucas. she had watched him grow up from a painfully shy four-year-old to an emotional teenager, a boy whose heart hadn’t changed direction in over a decade. She knew that feeling, but she didn’t know how it felt when it wasn’t returned. The man she loved had always mirrored her adoration.
He sipped his tea. “What?”
She scowled, shaking her head. “That’s not funny.”
+ – + – +
lucas is suddenly growing up so fast, crazy to think he’s doing his university applications already. i hope you guys liked this chapter!
i can’t thank you guys enough for getting HOH to 20,000 reads and #23 in general fiction! that is incredible!
also i realised i totally forgot to post the faceclaim for zachary (claire and laura’s son) last chapter. here he is! (also am i totally crazy or is he a total mini harry styles?!)
Comment