Head Over Heels Âœ“ 24 / the first time

march, age eighteen

The holidays always passed too fast. After eleven weeks of his second semester at university, Lucas had been excited for the four-week break over Easter but it had passed in the blink of an eye when he had never really stayed in one place long enough to feel the time slipping through his fingers. He was used to bouncing between his mother and father and he had also spent a couple of nights in the poky spare bedroom in Audrie’s little flat, the place she and Cooper had rented for almost two years now, but the majority of his free time had been spent with Asher.

After such a long wait, he didn’t want to waste a moment. There was so much he felt they had missed out on, the years for which he had been in love while Asher had been clueless, and when university broke up for the holidays, they had spent almost every moment together. When Lucas had had a week off between the two halves of the semester, Asher spent a few days with him in Cambridge before he and his family had gone on holiday. The five weeks after that had been torture, the lead-up to exam season when he had spent his hours turning in assignments. The break had been heaven.

But now it was over. Four whole weeks had passed by in a flash, his first year of university almost done. All that was left now were his exams, which he had been working towards since the start of the year so he didn’t have to cram over the holidays. That was time that he would much rather have spent with his boyfriend, after all.

The word still felt foreign in his mouth. For four months, Lucas had called Asher his boyfriend and the word still brought a smile to his lips each time he said it. It was like some kind of cruel dream world in which everything he had ever wanted had come true and he was terrified that any moment now, he would wake up. He had been living in a daze recently and he didn’t want to change a thing.

Tonight, Asher would drive him down to Cambridge and stay for the weekend. No-one else was back yet: Mira had gone up to Manchester with Mawar for a few days, promising to be back by Monday, while the others had various commitments that would keep them away for the weekend. They would have the flat to themselves, something that Lucas was simultaneously excited for and a little terrified about. It would be the first time they would have any privacy, something that was impossible to come by with a family the size of Lucas’s or as nosy as Asher’s.

Before that, though, one last drink with his sister. His things were ready back home, waiting to be packed into Asher’s car, but he had a couple of hours before he needed to get home. It was still weird being apart from Audrie, who had been such a huge part of his growing up: he hadn’t quite been five when he had moved in with her almost fourteen years ago, and now she had her own place. She had her own life, she and Cooper a family of their own, and Lucas struggled to appreciate the extra space at home when it meant he’d have to give up his big sister.

He got the bus into town, taking up as little space as possible as he sat on one of the hard seats with his ticket clasped in his hand the whole way. His earbuds were jammed into his ears, his music playing a little louder than he liked to have it in an effort to drown out the racket of the old bus. The seats juddered even on the smoothest stretches of road, the windows rattling as though they were trying to jump free. He distracted himself by counting the number of cars that passed in each direction, totting up two tallies in his head until he reached his stop and tripped to the front. Thanking the driver, he swung out of the doors and took a moment to orient himself.

Audrie’s flat was pretty ideal, located right in the middle of town. Although it wasn’t very big, Cooper’s and her room only just large enough to warrant the name of master bedroom, the location couldn’t be faulted and the rent was a steal. Two storeys above a little convenience store, it could get a tad loud sometimes but Audrie was used to noise from her family and Cooper had never minded.

Lucas bought a box of Audrie’s favourite chocolates on his way up to the flat. The mini supermarket had always proved to be quite useful. He added a bunch of flowers when he spied Audrie’s favourite colour amidst the petals and paid with a smile before he headed round the back. He had always felt a little weird ducking behind the shop to the door that led to his sister’s flat, jogging up two flights of stairs to the top. Hers was the only door on the narrow landing and he leant against the wall to catch his breath once he knocked on the door.

“Hey, Lucas,” Cooper said when he opened the door and let out the most amazing smell. Audrie loved to bake in her free time, which she’d had a little more of this year, having finished her master’s degree a couple of months before Lucas had started university.

“Hi, Cooper.” He gave him a slightly awkward hug, almost dropping the chocolates. “How’s your degree going?”

Cooper pursed his lips. After completing his undergraduate degree, he had taken a year out to work before beginning his master’s while Audrie had gone straight in. Now that he had started the next step, she was taking a little time off. It suited the two of them well. “It’s … going,” Cooper said. “Only a couple of months to go. I’m not sure whether I should be relieved or terrified.”

“A bit of both,” Lucas said. He felt the same way. As excited as he was to move into a smaller house with just Mira and Hermione, it struck him that he was almost a third of the way through his degree already and he’d hardly felt it.

“Come on, come through,” Cooper said. “I actually need to pop out in a few but Audrie’s in the kitchen. Drie? Lucas is here!”

Audrie raced out to greet her brother, almost knocking both of them over when she barrelled into him and threw her arms around him. “Hi!” she cried out, holding on tight. “Managed to peel yourself away from your boyfriend long enough to see your poor old sister, huh?”

“I’ve got a few minutes,” Lucas joked. “These are for you.”

“You’re so cute,” Audrie said when she took the flowers, heading into the kitchen to put them in water. “You didn’t need to get anything, Lucas. You’re my baby brother. How’re things at home?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’ve been with my dad for a few days and I was with Asher before that. I only popped in today to pack up a few things but Mum was out with the boys and everyone else was at school and work.” He shrugged. “I’m assuming fine. I haven’t heard otherwise.”

Audrie chuckled. “Well, we’re having supper with Mum and Dad tonight so I guess we’ll find out. Are you back off to uni today?”

Lucas nodded. “Asher and I are driving down in a couple of hours,” he said. “I just wanted to come in and say hi before I go. I feel like I hardly see you anymore.”

Audrie smiled. “We’re always just down the road and you know you’re always welcome. I love having you here.”

He knew that. He had never felt unwelcome in his sister’s home, which could prove to be a nice retreat when life got a little loud.

“Want something to drink? I’ve got coffee, tea, beer, cider … some kind of- what is this, Coop?”

“Elderflower cordial,” he said, pulling on his jacket. “Sorry to ditch you, Lucas, but I need to pop out. I’ll be back in a couple of hours so maybe I’ll see you later.. When’re you home again?”

“After my exams,” Lucas said. “About five weeks. I finish in June.”

“Well, I’ll definitely see you by then,” he said. “Maybe we should go out for a celebration once you’re done with your exams and I’ve finished my master’s.”

“Sounds good,” Lucas said with a smile.

When Cooper wrapped Audrie up in a warm, tight hug, she virtually disappeared against him – he was big in every way that she was small – and he kissed the top of her head. Lucas earnt a friendly semi-hug and a clap on the back before Cooper headed out, leaving the two of them to chat and catch up. They could talk for hours, discussing everything under the sun ever since age and distance had seemed to only push them closer. Lucas had shared things with Audrie that he had never thought he would tell her, the smallest details of his relationship and the biggest thoughts on his mind.

“I’ll just have tea,” Lucas said. Audrie poured two cups and cut a couple of wedges of cake that she carried over to the sofa. She and Cooper had put a lot of effort into their flat, doing a lot with a little, and everything inside had either been donated by their parents or had come from charity shops and car boot sales.

“So,” Audrie said with a grin on her lips. “How’s it going with Asher? I can’t believe you guys have been together for four months already.”

“What about you and Cooper?” Lucas laughed. “You’ve been together for four years! How long before you get married?”

Audrie beamed, dimples in her freckled cheeks. “Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Can you keep a secret?” She pulled her feet up under herself on the sofa, her toes curled into the soft throw. Lucas hesitated and she rolled her eyes. “You can tell Asher, don’t worry.”

“Then yes, I can,” he said. “What is it? Oh my goodness, are you pregnant?”

“What? No!” Audrie cried out. “Why’s that always your first thought? Do I look pregnant or something?”

Lucas cringed. “No. I’m just used to that being Mum’s secret,” he said. Audrie laughed and shook her head.

“No, I’m not pregnant. God, Lucas, I’m only twenty-three! I’m about to start my PhD; I’m not having a baby anytime soon.” She quietly chuckled to herself.

“So what’s the secret?”

“I’m engaged.”

Lucas gasped, his eyebrows shooting up. If he hadn’t just had his glasses fixed, they would have fallen off his nose. “You’re engaged?”

Audrie nodded. She revealed her left hand, which she had kept hidden from Lucas’s view, and the delicate silver ring on her finger set with a tiny white gem. “You can’t tell Mum and Dad – we’re going to tell them when we have supper tonight, so it’s only a short term secret. Just don’t let it slip when you go back.”

“Oh my goodness.” Lucas took his sister’s hand in both of his, holding it close to his face as he stared at the little ring before he pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her. “You’re really engaged?”

“We’re really engaged,” she said. “I was working late at the aquarium last night, cleaning up and everything, and when I got to the shark tunnel, he was waiting there on one knee. He’d been there for ages – I got caught up with a spillage in the touch pools.” A laugh burst out of her and she beamed down at the ring. “I know we’re still young but I can’t imagine my life without him, Lucas.”

“Wow,” he breathed, overcome with emotion for his sister. “Congratulations! Oh, wow. This is amazing, Audrie! Oh my goodness.” His smile turned into a laugh as he hugged her again. “Are you ready for tonight?”

“What d’you mean?”

“Well, Mum will cry,” he said. “She cried when I told her Asher and I were together – she’s going to bawl when she finds out you’re getting married. And your dad is a softie. And they both love Cooper.”

“I think I can handle a few tears,” Audrie said. “I’m not sure I’ve got any left but I guess we’ll see.”

Lucas sank back against the back of the sofa and sipped his cider, his heart overflowing with love. “I’m so happy for you,” he said. “You and Cooper are meant to be.”

“Well, we’re getting married,” she said, grinning. “I like to think we are.”

*

After a solid thirty minutes talking about nothing but Audrie’s engagement and every facet of her relationship with Cooper, she took control of the conversation when Lucas’s questions came to an end.

“So, you never answered my first question,” she said. “I asked how it’s going with Asher.”

A soft smile slipped onto Lucas’s lips. “It’s … it’s really the best thing that’s happened to me.”

“After getting me as a sister, of course,” Audrie said with a serious nod. Lucas played along.

“Well, of course,” he said.

“He’s driving you down today, did you say?”

“Mmhmm. It’s impossible to ever get time alone at home. It’s never just the two of us but no-one else is back at uni yet so he’s going to stay the weekend.”

Audrie wiggled her eyebrows at him. “Getting it on?” she asked, teasingly. Lucas pursed his lips and she widened her eyes. “Oh, you really are. Good for you.”

“Well…” Lucas trailed off, not sure whether he really wanted to say what he knew he was about to. He had decided that if he ever couldn’t talk to Audrie about something then there was a problem, and he vowed to tell her everything. She afforded him the same level of detail.

“Well, what?”

“We haven’t had sex yet,” he said, his cheeks burning.

“Oh, wow. Really?”

He shook his head. “We’ve only been together since the start of the year and there are always people around and I’m not comfortable with that. There are too many people and home and there’s no privacy anywhere, even at Asher’s house. His parents have eyes and ears everywhere.”

Audrie chuckled. She was well aware of the lack of privacy at home ever since Lucas had walked in on her with Cooper, only the second time they had ever slept together, and when she had dated Dylan, the two of them had hardly ever been alone. “Uni’s definitely your best bet,” she said. “You’ve got your own room, a lock on your door, and no nosy parents or clueless siblings.” She shrugged. “Sounds like a plan.”

Lucas took a deep breath and let it out in a long sigh. Audrie tilted her head, ducking a little to meet his eye.

“What’s on your mind? You know you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, right?” She nudged his foot with hers. “What you do and when you do it is totally up to you.”

“I know,” he said. “I want to. I do want to.” He pressed his hand to his cheek to feel the heat radiating off his skin. “Ugh. You don’t want to hear this.”

“Yes I do. It’s all part and parcel of the sister package,” she said. “Lucas, you know I’m always here for you, whatever you need. Whether that’s somewhere to stay or sex advice or, you know, everything in between. So what’s up?”

He fidgeted with his hands, trying to persuade the words to come out. He knew Audrie was genuine with how much she cared and she had never judged him, always handing out solid advice. Her words hadn’t always been what he had wanted to hear – she had told him to get over Asher when he and Mawar had got together, the last thing he’d wanted to admit – but everything she said was with the best intentions.

“I … I’m just a bit nervous. I’ve read a lot of horror stories,” he said.

Audrie gave him a comforting smile. “I’ll bet you most of those stories are from people who were drunk or unprepared. You shouldn’t read the scary stuff, Lucas. There’s tons of advice out there. Have you guys talked about it?”

Lucas nodded. He’d been a little embarrassed the first time he and Asher had broached the subject of sex but those conversations had got easier over time.

“That’s the main thing,” she said. “You just need to communicate. Communication and foreplay, the two most important things. Oh, and lube. That’s number one, actually. And condoms.” She laughed and Lucas tipped his head at her, his eyes slowly widening.

“Have you done it?”

She gave him a shrug. “My advice comes from a place of experience,” she said. “You don’t need to be scared. Just prepared. Have you done anything?”

He swallowed his embarrassment, reminding himself what Audrie had told him time and time again: she didn’t care how awkward a conversation could get, as long as it meant she could help him. She always stuck to her word. “We’ve … practised, and we’ve watched videos together. But we’ve not actually done it, not properly. I just … Asher’s kind of big.”

Audrie’s grin widened. “If you both know what you’re doing and you take it slow, you’ll be fine. If you do it right, that won’t matter too much. And if you don’t want to do it then don’t. You’ve got to be ready for these things. I don’t know about you but losing my virginity was kind of a big deal for me and I’m so glad it was with Cooper. We talked about it beforehand and made sure it was ok for both of us. That’s so important.”

“I know,” Lucas said. “We’ve talked about it.”

She sighed and sipped her second cup of tea. “You’ve just got to take it slow and enjoy it. It’s supposed to be a good thing and if it’s only going to stress you out, then maybe wait until you feel more ready. You don’t want to be all tense. It takes time – that’s good.”

He nodded and let out a long, steady breath. He knew it all already – his computer history was shamelessly littered with advice blogs, articles and videos about how to have a good first time. His head was fit to burst with all the information. Asher wasn’t far from being in the same boat, having only ever slept with Mawar, and the past few months had been a time of exploration for both of them as they had got to know each others bodies and figured out what they liked. They had both surprised each other.

“Thanks, Audrie,” he said at last, after a moment of contemplation. “You’re a very cool sister.”

She bowed and laughed. “Thanks. I’ve got quite a bit of responsibility – before you know it, I’ll have Lils on my doorstep asking for advice.”

“She’s not even twelve!”

“I started going out with Dylan when I was … what, fourteen? It’s not that far away and I want all of you guys to be able to come to me. Though I might have to pass the baton on once the triplets hit puberty – I’ll be, like, in my thirties by then. I doubt they’ll want sex advice from ancient old Audrie.”

“You’ll probably have your own kids by then,” Lucas mused. Audrie took a deep breath.

“Wow. Maybe, yeah. Who knows.” She looked around the flat and then down at herself. “Can you imagine me having a child though?”

Lucas weighed it up in his head and he nodded. “Yeah, actually. I think you’ll be a great mum if you’re even half as cool then as you are now. And Cooper gives good dad hugs, so I reckon you’ll be good parents.”

Audrie laughed. “Based on me giving you sex advice and my fiancé giving good hugs?”

“Fiancé,” Lucas repeated, mulling over the word in his head for a moment. “That’s crazy. I can’t believe it.”

“Me neither,” Audrie said, hugging her knees. “I think I might be on cloud nine.”

*

Everything was in Asher’s car. There wasn’t much, just a couple of bags of books and a small case of the clothes he had brought home for the break. He wasn’t one to live in clutter or own too much stuff: everything had its own place, from his books down to his pencils. His university room was kitted out with the necessities and a handful of home comforts, the things that made it feel a little more like his own place, but nothing that he didn’t use or appreciate almost every single day.

There was nothing left to do now but say goodbye.

Sarah stood with Harvey on her hip, swaying him as she stood in the doorway. He was the only one who had yet to walk, both of his brothers having taken their first steps already, and he was more than content to hang out in his mother’s arms. Julian mostly used his newfound skill to stand in front of the mirror and gawp at his reflection; Freddie was the only liability. He had only been walking for a month but he already had a habit of toddling off the second his parents turned away for a moment.

“I can’t believe you’re back off already,” Sarah said, hugging Lucas with her free arm. “It feels like you only just came home. Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you back tomorrow? I could take you back at the weekend if you want, baby.”

“No,” Lucas said, a little too quickly, almost cutting her off. “No, it’s fine,” he added. “Asher and I are just going to head down tonight. I want to have the weekend and be back in plenty of time for Monday. Thanks, though.”

“Ok, baby,” Sarah said, smiling. “Well, Dad and I might come down to visit you if you’ve got some time between your exams. Maybe we could go out to lunch one weekend?”

He smiled and nodded. “That’d be nice. I’ve put my exams on the calendar but don’t worry about it. I know it’s hard to get away.”

“I’m sure we can carve out a day for you, hun,” she said. She kissed his forehead and passed Harvey to Liliana, who was growing up to be just like Audrie with her love for the garden, though she still preferred potatoes to flowers. She had a flourishing vegetable patch in the back garden where she grew all sorts of foods with her father’s help.

“Have a great last stretch, Lucas,” Truman said. He set down Freddie to hugging his stepson. “I’m sure your exams will go great, and I hope you two have a great weekend.”

“Thanks. We will,” he said. Asher came over from the car and slipped his hand into Lucas’s with an easy smile.

“Ready? It’s going to be about three hours so if we go now, we can get back for sevenish and still have the evening,” he said. Lucas knew what that meant. His stomach flipped and he smiled, nodding.

“We won’t keep you, hun,” Sarah said, hugging him again. “We’ll see you soon, ok?”

“Ok.”

When Charlotte appeared to see what was going on, he gave her a hug and simplified his signing to tell her that he would be back in a few weeks. She held up her right hand, her middle and ring fingers down, and she moved her hand back and forth. Lucas copied the sign and spelt out his youngest sister’s name with his fingers.

“I love you too, Lottie.”

Asher echoed the sign when Charlotte looked up at him. She loved it when he signed with her, yet another person she could communicate with. He wasn’t quite at Lucas’s level, having only recently achieved his level two certificate once he had decided to take it more seriously than just a lunchtime club, but he was determined. After all, it was more for him than her.

Although he struggled to face up to reality, avoiding the inevitable for as long as he could, he couldn’t hide from the fact that his hearing was in constant decline. It wouldn’t be long before he would need hearing aids to raise the volume of normal conversation from a murmur, but he didn’t know for how long those would be able to help him.

Charlotte gave him a tight hug before she returned to Freddie, signing as though he could understand every gesture that she had spent six years learning. The boys had yet to learn more than a handful of words but they had already picked up on some of their sister’s language, able to communicate better with their parents than most children their age.

“Drive safe, you two,” Truman said, patting Asher on the back. “Give us a buzz when you get there, ok?”

“We will do,” Asher said. “Don’t worry – I’ll make sure your son gets back in one piece.” He squeezed Lucas’s hand. “Shall we make a move?”

Before Lucas could respond, Asher tore away from him to scoop up Freddie, who had begun to wander off towards the road. He laughed and snuggled the little boy, brushing his hand over his thick black hair. “You’re a naughty one, aren’t you? Careful there, Freddie.”

Wide-eyed Sarah took her son, balancing herself out with Freddie on one hip and Harvey on the other. “You’re going to give me a heart attack one day,” she said to him. “We really need to keep an eye on this little tearaway.”

“He just doesn’t want his big brother to go,” Asher said, “but I’m afraid we need to or we’re going to hit rush hour right as we go through Birmingham and that’s such a pain.”

“Right, we’ll let you go,” Sarah said. “Have a lovely weekend, boys. Good luck, baby. Bye!”

Lucas got into the car with a sigh. He wasn’t bothered about heading back to university, where he enjoyed his own space and, for the most part, his flatmates, but he hated that it meant being separated from his boyfriend for so long.

Asher got behind the wheel once he had checked the boot was slammed shut, his hand resting on the wheel for a moment before he turned to Lucas. “Hey,” he said.

“Hi.” Lucas smiled. That smile only grew when Asher leant over the gear stick to kiss him, his hand on his knee. It was a simple kiss, the casual kind that Lucas loved just as much as the passionate kind, if not more. An everyday kiss, one that said hello and goodbye and I love you, one that often just meant ‘here I am.’

The three hour drive was accompanied by gentle chatter as they sped down the motorway and sat in traffic jams, crawling along at fifteen miles an hour when the wide road was reduced to one lane at the busiest time of day, but it didn’t matter. Asher loved being behind the wheel and Lucas loved to be in the car, whiling away the minutes with easy chatter.

“It’s going to be so weird when you’re in Brighton,” Lucas mused. He had been unable to hold in his pride when Asher had been given an unconditional offer to study illustration at Brighton University, an exciting course in an incredible city, but it meant things would change. Once they were both at university, especially when Lucas’s course required so much reading and Asher’s meant an awful lot of hours devoted to art, they would have even less free time to spend together.

“It’ll be fine,” Asher said. “We can go down to the beach and you can read while I draw.”

“The be-“

“The beach is stony,” he said with a smile, “so you won’t get sandy. And Brighton’s such an amazing city – it’s, like, the gay capital of Europe or something. As much as I love home, I can’t wait to break out and try somewhere new.” He beamed, his hand slipping to Lucas’s knee after he changed gear. “And it’s a bit less long distance than what we do right now.” He looked across with his trademark smile. “It’s going to be great.”

That smile was all it took to convince Lucas, comforted by Asher’s lips and the words that came out of them. Whenever he found himself getting worked up, Asher had the ability to soothe him with a simple smile, a reassurance that everything would be alright.

“I’ve never been to Brighton,” he said, turning to look out of the window. They were almost there, the sky hazing over an hour before the sunset. They were a little behind schedule but Lucas had enjoyed the extra time in the car, just being with his boyfriend.

“That won’t be true for long,” Asher said. “I start the week before you go back so I was thinking maybe you could come down when I move in and we could check out the city together. It’s a few months away, but still.”

“I’d love to. Though your flatmates probably won’t appreciate it if you have your boyfriend staying over in the first week.”

“Then they can suck it.” Asher pulled up at a traffic light and grinned his cheeky grin, turning to kiss Lucas. “Actually,” he said, “I think I’d rather you did.”

*

The flat was eerily quiet, five of the six bedrooms empty. Lucas spent a few minutes stacking his books on his shelf in the right order, lining them up in descending height order, and he shook out his clothes before refolding them into his drawers. Asher watched with a permanent smile tickling his lips, lying on the bed with his hands clasped over his stomach. He had tried to help but Lucas was anal about his organisation whereas Asher had a way to go.

“You’re so cute,” he said, crossing his ankles.

“Huh?” Lucas turned around with a white shirt in his hands, brushing out a wrinkle before he slipped the shoulders onto a hanger and added it to the left side of his cupboard. All of his clothes were arranged in colour order: he even kept a few shirts in there that he never wore, just to balance out the rainbow in his closet.

“I said you’re cute,” Asher repeated. He picked up the one book that didn’t have a place on the shelf, a novel Lucas was reading. Raising an eyebrow in mild disgust, he held up the book. “The Literary Guide to the Bible? Seriously?”

“It’s required reading,” Lucas said. “It’s actually interesting, though. It’s been pretty interesting analysing the Bible as a piece of literature rather than, I don’t know, a biography.”

“Is that even allowed? To make you read the Bible?”

“We don’t have to believe it, or agree with it,” he said, brushing a speck of lint off a black shirt. “It’s not like some kind of Bible studies session. As a book, the stories and themes are pretty interesting. Cultural impact and interpretation is a totally different thing.”

Asher sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. “Look at you, Mr Scholar,” he said, pulling Lucas over. “Anything I can help you with?”

“Actually, I’m all done.”

“So how would you feel if I kissed you?”

Lucas pinched his lips together to control his smile. “I think that would be ok,” he said, closing his eyes as he lifted his chin and draped his arms around Asher’s waist. He knew exactly where the evening was heading, his blood racing and his heart thumping hard. But when Asher’s lips met his, his fears melted away. A sense of elation flooded his body, a kind of peace that he had only discovered since they had been together.

Asher ran one hand through Lucas’s hair, tracing down his neck from his cheek to his shoulder. Their bodies were chalk and cheese, Lucas pale and slender where Asher was dark and toned, fitting together like yin and yang when their shirts came off and Lucas felt Asher’s warm abs against his flat stomach. His chest fluttered, his knees weakening as Asher held the back of his neck, kissing him deeper. When Lucas stumbled against the bed and dropped down, lying back with one hand over his stomach, Asher loomed over him with a grin on his lips before he kissed him again.

“I love you,” Lucas said, pulling him down to meet him. He rolled Asher onto his back and lay on top of him as though he weighed nothing. To Asher, he did: he was half a foot shorter with hardly a trace of muscle.

“I love you too,” Asher said, touching his chin to his chest to look at Lucas. He put one arm behind his head, the other around his boyfriend.

“This is comfortable.” Lucas rested his cheek on Asher’s chest and closed his eyes, taking off his glasses when they dug into his ear.

“We can just stay like this,” Asher said with a happy sigh. “I could stay like this for a long time. Your bed is really comfy, wow.”

“You’ve slept here before.”

“Yeah, but now you’re really pressing me into the mattress,” he said, laughing. “It’s giving me a newfound appreciation for the softness of your springs.”

Lucas laughed and rolled off him, lying by his side and turning Asher’s cheek to kiss him.

“You’re right,” Asher said, putting words in Lucas’s mouth. He placed a warm hand over his chest. “We can appreciate the springs later.”

“Mmm.”

“How about…” He dropped his voice and walked his fingers up from the waistband of Lucas’s jeans to his sternum. “How about we go and have a long, hot shower and we take it slow?” He kissed Lucas again, his lips lazy and soft. “We’ve got all night.”

It took a long time to shower when they were so distracted by each other’s bodies, teasing each other as they washed and kissed under the hot stream. There was no rush as they explored each other, moving back to Lucas’s bedroom and locking the door – just in case. They took their time with their hands and tongues, warming up their bodies for each other as they slowly played for almost an hour to build up to the moment.

Lucas swore for the first time in his life when Asher filled him at last, biting the pillow that muffled his mutter when his toes curled into the mattress.

They followed every bit of advice they had read and seen, talking to each other as they tried out a few different positions until they found one that worked for both of them: an exciting twist on the spooning that Lucas loved. He lay on his side with Asher behind him, his hand reaching around and his lips against the back of Lucas’s neck.

Slow and steady. Lucas had never really understood how slow and steady could win the race until now, the euphemism put into play right behind him.

*

Each time Lucas tried to talk, controlling his breaths for long enough to open his mouth, he laughed instead. It was impossible not to when all he felt was the most incredible sense of satisfaction and relief. Asher lay behind him, holding him close with his arm around him, his hand splayed over his stomach. It was getting late, the sun long gone, and he felt at one with his bed.

“Should I be worried that you’re laughing?” Asher asked. Lucas grinned and shook his head.

“I’m just happy,” he said. “I’m really, really happy.”

“Was that good for you? I didn’t hurt you?” he asked. He had made sure of that the whole time, never doing a single thing without checking that it was ok with Lucas.

“It was…” He trailed off, unable to find one word that would sum up how he felt. His tension had melted with their foreplay, his body utterly relaxed by the time they had taken it to the next level, and pain had soon given way to the most intense pleasure he had ever known. “Incredible. Phenomenal. I don’t even know what to say. I don’t have the synonyms.”

“And you’re supposed to be the wordsmith,” Asher teased.

” I love you, Asher. I love you so much.”

He smiled against Lucas’s shoulder, hugging him closer, and closed his eyes. “I love you too.”

They lay in comfortable quiet for a few minutes before Lucas’s stomach rumbled and he sighed, accepting that after having eaten virtually nothing but a slice of cake all day, he needed to eat.

“I’m really hungry,” he said.

“The post-coital munchies.” Asher laughed. He reached over Lucas and grabbed his phone off the nightstand, holding it so they could both see the screen. “Unless you feel like going out and getting stuff to cook, how about a takeaway?”

“Mmm.” He nodded and snuggled into Asher’s arms. “That sounds like a plan.”

“What do you feel like?”

“Something we can eat in bed,” Lucas murmured. He never ate in bed but he didn’t want to move any more than he absolutely had to: he had never felt so content in his life, lying in his boyfriend’s arms as he came back down to earth after seeing stars.

“Ok, so that’s a no to … pretty much everything.” Asher chuckled and scrolled through the list of places that would deliver directly to the flat. “What about pizza?” With a laugh, he tapped on one of the options. “Ooh, how about a meat feast?”

Lucas let out a dry laugh. “Give me a minute to recover,” he joked. Asher blurted out a laugh and found the pizza place with the best ratings, ordering a classic ham and cheese for Lucas without having to ask, and a chicken margherita for himself.

“Thick chips or skinny chips?”

Lucas reached out to select the thick potato wedges, adding a couple of sides of sour cream and chive sauce and on a whim, he added garlic bread.

“Ah, yes, I love garlic kisses,” Asher drily said. Lucas rolled his eyes.

“You’ll just have to eat it too,” he said, “or stop kissing me.”

Asher took a deep breath and clicked the checkout button. “I guess we’re both having garlic tonight.”

Once the order was complete and Asher had thrown his phone down on the bed, Lucas rolled over in his arms and lay against him, their stomachs together and their faces an inch apart. He took off his glasses again to get even closer, their noses touching.

“Can you see me?” Asher asked. Lucas shook his head.

“Not really,” he whispered. “Can you hear me?”

“What?”

He laughed and kissed Asher, who wasn’t sure what had warranted amusement. “Love is blind,” he said, gazing at his blurry boyfriend.

“Are you sure about that?” Asher asked, his hand on Lucas’s waist. He slipped it round to the small of his back, tracing his fingers up to his neck. “Loving you has opened my eyes.”

+ – + – +

that moment when asher’s just out of reach…

after all of the recent breakfast controversy this book has whipped up, i decided to make the breakfast that they all had in the last chapter and i turned the process into a gif. before you all freak out on me, i need to point out that this is not how most brits make toast. i just don’t have a toaster as the hotplates on the aga (oven) can toast bread. also i would usually use eggs from my own chickens, which have much richer more orange yolks, but i can’t find where they’re laying right now.