Head Over Heels Âœ“ 36 / good, bad, ugly

april, age 25

Intermittent bouts of driving rain and beating sun had made for a perfect spring, bringing out the brightest colours in the flowers that bloomed all around town. Blossoming baskets hung from shop fronts, blowing in the gentle breeze beneath the cloud-speckled sky. The back garden was in full bloom: roses exploded from the trellises of the walled garden that Lucas adored. Although he had never got the soil under his nails, not even trusting the sturdiest gardening gloves. Each plant was solely down to Liliana, who spent her free time slaving away with a trowel and a trug. She had been determined about planting potatoes, despite Lucas’s insistence that he would never dig them up himself. That had only given her an excuse to spend more time at his house.

Liliana had chosen not to go to university. At least, not yet. While her friends were knuckling down for their final exams of first year, and Isabella now had only a year left of her degree, Liliana was still living at home and working while she decided what she wanted to do. Her time had been split between her parents and Matilda’s student flat, a forty-minute drive away, until Lucas and Asher had moved back to Farnleigh a few months ago. More and more often, she found herself having a cup of tea with the big brother she adored and admiring the garden she had made for him.

She was supposed to have come over yesterday evening, due to have a cup of tea and a catch up with her brother and his fiancé, but an accident had put a stop to those plans. After a few long hours in A&E and half an hour of humiliation with the doctor, Lucas was left with four stitches in his lip, still angrily throbbing a day later. Running his finger over the bumps, he stared out of the kitchen window as he finished doing the washing up, watching as rain catapulted down from the heavens, and he let out a long sigh.

He wasn’t used to having a day off. In the five years that he had worked for Chess House, he had only taken one sick day before, when he and Asher had both come down with a bug and they had spent a miserable day together, both as useless as each other. That was three years ago now: it was strange to be at home alone, when it wasn’t a weekend and Asher wasn’t around to keep him company.

As reluctant as he had been to call in sick, Ishaana had insisted on it as soon as she had heard about the accident and in the very least, taking Friday off gave Lucas three days to come up with a lie to explain the painfully obvious wound. He had sworn Asher to secrecy before he had left for the office in the morning: although their jobs at Chess House were vastly differing, the company was small enough that news travelled at the speed of light between departments. And if Lucas didn’t hear gossip from Asher, it was never long before Ishaana’s loose lips let it spill.

It was only lunchtime. Already, Lucas didn’t know what to do with himself. He had promised Asher that he wouldn’t work, that he would take an honest day off, but the house was tidy and all the washing up was done, and a strange sense of loneliness was beginning to settle. He was so rarely alone these days, especially during the week, that if felt wrong when he sat down with a cup of tea and a book in the conservatory. The words wouldn’t sink in, his mind jumping all over the place. Even the rain distracted him, watching as it sheeted down over his neighbours.

Lucas didn’t know his neighbours very well. To the left lived a couple in their late eighties who hardly seemed to leave their house; to the right was a sour-faced middle-aged woman who seemed permanently displeased. He had no intention of befriending any of them, who had hardly ever returned his friendly smile, but he didn’t care when two of his favourite people lived just down the road in the same house they had lived in for over thirty years; the same house where Lucas had spent the first year of his life. Moving back to Farnleigh had only strengthened his bond with his grandparents, though he had always been close to them, yet more substitute parents in his life.

Reading wasn’t going as planned. In between rereading the Harry Potter series, which he still adored twenty years after the first time it had been read to him, he was trying to branch out of the kinds of books he usually read, but the historical novel his mother had enjoyed was failing to grip him. As determined as he was to power on and finish it today wouldn’t be the day. Instead, he unlocked his phone and scrolled to his grandmother’s number. Now that he was only a five-minute walk away, he spent even more time sipping tea in his grandparents’ conservatory.

Pulling his socked feet onto the sofa, he rested his back against the arm and dialled his grandmother’s number. He didn’t have to wait long for her to answer: she could almost always be reached, wrapping her family up in her arms as much as she could. Her own children had spread far and wide, her youngest and her oldest the only ones to plant their permanent roots in Farnleigh, but she would never be without a decent surrounding of family when Sarah had given her eight children and when Audrie had become a mother four years ago, she had given Maddie her first great-grandchild.

“Hi Lucas!” she said when she answered. She always sounded so happy, as enthusiastic now as she had been at Lucas’s age. He was the same age now as she had been when she had become a mother for the first time. He struggled to imagine that.

“Hi, hammy,” he said, his unease settling as soon as he heard her voice. She had always had a calming effect on him. Even when he was a baby, in the long months before and after Tom’s birth, she had managed to soothe him and now, a few months away from his twenty-sixth birthday, talking to her never failed to lift his spirits.

“What can I do for you, hun?” she asked. He heard voices in the background: she wasn’t alone. She rarely was. Ever since Tom had moved out, the last bird to fly the nest, she and Nick had made sure to surround themselves with their friends and family. People enriched their lives; Maddie was always saying that. She loved an unexpected visit from a child or a grandchild as much as Lucas hated someone turning up on his doorstep.

“I was just wondering if you were around,” he said, fighting the urge to pull his bottom lip between his teeth when he knew how much it would hurt.

“Absolutely! Want to pop over and have a cuppa?” Joy was evident in her voice; he could imagine the crinkle of her eyes as she smiled.

“I’d love to,” he said with a contented sigh. “I’m not interrupting, am I?”

“Oh, no, not at all, hun! I’m just having a drink with your mum – it’d be lovely to have representation from another generation,” she said with a chuckle. “Come over, let yourself in. See you in a few minutes?”

“I’ll be right over.” He stood, padding through to the hallway to slip his keys and his wallet into his pocket. “Bye, hammy. Love you.”

“Love you more,” she said, her voice soft.

Lucas pulled on the first raincoat on the peg by the door. It was Asher’s; it smelled like his aftershave. Lucas loved that smell, a fizz of fond familiarity popping in his stomach as he zipped it up and pulled up the hood. Zipping his phone into the pocket, he pulled the sleeves down past his fingers and huddled into the coat when he opened the door to the April showers. He could be there in a minute if he drove, but he had yet to brave getting behind the wheel. Asher had offered to teach him but it was difficult to push past the neuroses in his mind, the superstitions that told him to just stick to buses. He didn’t need to learn when they shared a commute, when Asher loved to drive, and although the weather didn’t bother him, the idea of driving in the rain was the stuff of his nightmares.

Five minutes turned to three and a half when he walked as fast as he could without breaking into a jog. Lucas didn’t run. That would never change, no matter how much Asher teasingly tried to get him to join him for a morning jog: his stamina was as low as his desire to run, winding himself the only time he had tried while Asher had laughed himself into an asthma attack.

He had his own key. Maddie had given him one when he had moved so close and he used it more than he had thought he would, letting himself in when he went over for tea and occasionally popping over when his grandparents were out if he needed to borrow something. He always asked; they always laughed and told him he needn’t.

“Hammy?” he called out.

“We’re in the conservatory, hun!” Maddie called back. Lucas’s feet took him there on autopilot, not even having to engage his brain to follow the sound of his grandmother’s voice. She and his mother were sitting together on the sofa, both getting to their feet when he appeared in the doorway.

“Hey, Mum,” he said when his mother pulled him into her arms.

“Hi, baby,” Sarah said, wrapping her son in a warm embrace before she pulled away with a frown and held his shoulders. “Oh my goodness, what happened?”

“What?”

She touched her own lip and Lucas tried to stop his eyes from widening and his cheeks from reddening when he touched the stitches and winced.

“Oh, I just fell,” he lied. “Bit my lip.”

“Wow. That looks painful, baby,” she said, her brow furrowing.

“It’s fine, really,” he said. Another lie. It was agony whether he took painkillers or not, but the less attention he could draw to it, the better. “Hi, hammy.”

“Hey, Lucas.” She reached up to hug him as though he was a giant, though he was less than a foot taller than her. She had lost a little height as she had aged with grace, now a couple of inches shorter than her daughter, though she refused to admit it. “God, that really does look nasty, hun. When did that happen?”

“Yesterday,” he said. “It’s fine – I went to A&E, got stitched up. Really, I’m ok, but Asher made me take the day off and I don’t really know what to do with myself.”

Maddie tutted and handed him a steaming cup of tea that she had poured when he had called. “I see how it is. And here I was thinking you just wanted to have a cuppa and a catch up with your granny!”

“I do! Of course I do, hammy,” he said, backtracking until his grandmother laughed and he let his shoulders drop.

“I’m teasing you hun, don’t worry. It’s always lovely to see you. Or what’s left of you, anyway,” she joked, nodding at his lip. Lucas’s cheeks flushed pink. He couldn’t control his blush, cursing the way it always seemed to want to expose him. But Maddie said no more. She knew better than to embarrass her most sensitive grandchild. He was a carbon copy of his mother: the smallest thing could linger on his mind for far too long, rearing its ugly head years later.

“How are you, baby?” Sarah asked. She sat down beside her mother; Lucas took the armchair. He liked to have his own space, though he was partial to tucking up on the sofa with Asher, cuddling as they watched a film.

“I’m alright,” he said with a smile. “I’m meeting Asher in town for a drink after work. How about you?”

“I’m great,” Sarah said with a sunny beam. “Flossie and Lottie are keeping an eye on the boys tonight so Tru and I are going out for supper with your dad and Cora.”

There had been plenty of ups and downs in her life but now she seemed to be on an upward trajectory. Thanks to a couple of promotions and raises at work, as well as substantial help from her parents, she and Truman had been able to absolve themselves of the debts that came with a big family. Now her children were growing up: the triplets were eight, coming to the end of Year Three, and it wouldn’t be long before they joined Charlotte at high school.

“Sounds great – send my love,” Lucas said, quietly proud and beyond relieved to see his mother in such a good place. He had always been perceptive as a child, old beyond his years, and no matter the lengths his mother went to protect him, he had known that things had been hard. Before his rationality had kicked in, he had blamed himself for throwing her life down a completely different path. When he had once mentioned that, an off the cuff comment as a child, his mother had wept all night.

For almost an hour more, the three of them chatted about everything and nothing, catching up on the lives of the sprawling family: Sarah shared updates of each of her children, from Audrie’s promotion to Felicity’s boyfriend, while Maddie recounted the updates she got from her own children and her husband’s latest hobbies. While Lucas was so overwhelmed by the size of his family, he enjoyed periodical updates on how everyone was doing without having to herd everybody into a room.

Within minutes of Sarah leaving, heading back to the reality that was keeping her house in order with six of her children still living at home, there was another knock at the door. Maddie chuckled as she stood to answer it.

“I’m popular today,” she said to Lucas. “I bet your grandfather’s forgotten his key again,” she added with a roll of her eyes.

Not quite. When she returned, it wasn’t with her lofty husband but with tiny Mika, who was the opposite of her father-in-law in every way. She hardly took up any space at all, short and slight, and her voice was a virtual whisper compared to his confident tones.

“Mika! Hi!” Lucas jumped to his feet and pulled her into a hug.

“I’m a magnet for lost souls,” Maddie said with a laugh. “Look at you two: your husband’s on a course and your fiancé’s at work and you both wind up in my conservatory.” She squeezed Mika’s arm with a grin. “I’ll put the kettle on, you make yourself comfortable.”

“Thanks, Maddie,” Mika said with a grateful smile. She adored her mother-in-law, who had taken her on as an extra daughter without question, years before Mika and Tom had even become a couple. She plumped down onto the sofa and raised her eyebrows at Lucas, a quizzical grin on her face. “So … what happened to your face?”

Lucas answered her question with a question, asking, “What brings you over here?”

“I was bringing back some kitchen stuff I borrowed,” she said. She pulled her feet up, her grin widening. “Come on, spill the beans. What’d you do to your face?”

“Nothing,” Lucas said. Bad response: he realised that immediately. That would never placate Mika’s curiosity, her thirst for knowledge.

“Oh, come on!” she cried out. “I tell you everything, Lucas. And the fact that you’re not telling me just makes me think you were doing something sordid.” She laughed and hugged her knees. “What’d you do?”

“I fell.”

She rolled her eyes dramatically. “If you’d fallen, you wouldn’t be so shifty about answering. If you don’t tell me, I’ll just have to imagine you were doing something really weird. And, you know, I tell my husband everything.” She drew out the last word, widening her eyes conspiratorially at Lucas. His cheeks reddened more and more, his skin burning. Mika chuckled, her laugh like a wind chime.

“You’re my aunt now,” he joked. “Our relationship has changed.”

“Oh, shush. Come on your Lucas – you’re one of my best friends. Best friends tell each other stuff. I’d tell you if I split my lip doing something freaky.”

“I wouldn’t ask,” Lucas said. His cheeks burned harder. Mika’s teasing turned to surprise, clapping her hand over her mouth.

“Oh my goodness, you were doing something freaky, weren’t you?” Her eyes were huge and round as she leant closer, lowering her voice so Maddie wouldn’t hear from next door. “Is that some kind of sex injury?”

“It was nothing,” Lucas said, sticking to his story that was beyond redemption. “I fell; I bit my lip; I got it stitched up.”

Mika narrowed her eyes. “I don’t think you can get that kind of injury from biting your own lip. You’ve got four stitches.” She leant even closer. “Tell me your secret. Come on, I told you when I broke my wrist whe-“

Lucas held up his hand. “I don’t need to hear the story again,” he said, shaking his head. “Fine. Yes, it’s a sex injury.”

Mika spluttered a laugh, covering her mouth. “Oh my goodness. You’re so bad,” she said, giggling like a child. “How on earth did you tear your lip though?”

Lucas cursed himself for not being a better liar. Asher could whip up a fabrication on the spot, but he wasn’t so blessed. Lying made him uneasy, and he struggled to be the least bit convincing. “We were … trying something new,” he muttered, certain that his cheeks couldn’t get any hotter. “Asher liked it, maybe a bit too much, and he bit through my lip.”

“Oh. My. Goodness. Oh my goodness, Lucas,” Mika cried out. “Oh my goodness! Seriously?”

He nodded gravely. “And then he panicked because my face was pouring blood and he had an asthma attack. Not the best night.”

Mika shrieked her shock and amusement, her eyes so wide they could have fallen out of her head. Lucas cringed at the memory of the day before, when an afternoon of passion had ended with blood gushing from his mouth as he had searched for Asher’s inhaler. They had only been able to see the funny side after returning from the hospital to their bedroom looking like the scene of a crime.

“What’s all the fuss about?” Maddie asked as she came back in with three fresh mugs of tea. Lucas stared daggers at Mika, who was too shocked to speak anyway. “What’d I miss?”

He had to think on his feet. Lying was preferable to telling his grandmother exactly what it was that landed him in A&E. Telling Mika was embarrassing enough. “I … I was just telling Mika about how Asher and I are getting ahead with the adoption admin,” he said. That was true, though he had yet to tell Mika. That news on top of everything else was almost enough for her head to explode. He and Asher had actually started working on the paperwork a few weeks ago, running into a slight hurdle when they had been asked for a reference from a non-family member. Asher had laughed, teasing Lucas for being related to almost everyone they knew.

“Oh my goodness, you are?” Maddie asked, taking the words right out of Mika’s mouth.

Lucas nodded and smiled, settling into more favourable conversational territory. “We know the process could take a while, so we decided to get a head start before we get married,” he said. “It took Laura a couple of years the first time, so we figured there’s no harm in starting a few months early.”

“That’s amazing!” Mika cried out, launching herself across the sofa to hug the life out of Lucas. When she pulled away, there were tears in her eyes.

Any talk of children elicited an emotional response from her, whether weeping over Tom’s and her struggles to become parents, or expressing her joy over Lucas’s and Asher’s quest to become fathers. Ever since receiving the news from the fertility clinic that she and Tom were unlikely to have their own child, they had taken a break from the stress of trying to conceive. The past few months had been spent on centring themselves, finding their feet as a couple once more.

“It’s early days yet,” Lucas said, “but fingers crossed.” He smiled, his heart thudding at the realisation of how much his life was going to change in the next couple of years. “How about you? How’re you and Tom doing?”

Mika smiled. “Well, we started looking into IVF and surrogacy last month,” she said. “There are a few options that we decided to look at, though everything’s been put on pause while Tom’s been at this course.” She checked her watch. For the past five days, Tom had been on a company course up in Scotland. It was the longest they had been apart since they were children. “He’ll be back really soon, actually. I told him I’m here. I can’t wait.”

“That’s great, darling,” Maddie said, her hand on Mika’s knee. “So, do you think you’ll do it? IVF?”

“Well, it seemed like the best option…” She trailed off, her grin growing as she looked from Maddie to Lucas and back again. “Ok, I was going to wait for Tom to get back because he doesn’t know yet, but … I’m pregnant.”

Maddie gasped so loudly that Lucas jumped, and she spilled her tea. “Oh my God. Really? You’re pregnant?”

Mika grinned even harder. “I only found out a few days ago, right after Tom left,” she said, her cheeks bright and rosy. “It’s early days. I mean, really early, but I am. I didn’t want to tell Tom over the phone – this week has been so hard, talking to him every night and not telling him he’s going to be a daddy.”

Maddie wrapped her in so tight a hug that she forced a spluttered laugh out of Mika.

“Careful – don’t hurt your grandchild!”

“Oh my goodness,” Lucas said at last, Mika’s words sinking in. “Oh, wow. Congratulations, Mika. That’s amazing. Oh, that’s so great!”

“Thank you,” she said quietly. “Don’t tell anyone. I’m only about five weeks. It’s so early still. I don’t want everyone knowing yet.”

Maddie mimed zipping her lips and Lucas copied her. He moved over to the sofa to hug Mika, holding her for a long few seconds. His heart rushed with emotion for her: he had been with her and Tom every step of the way that they had struggled with fertility; he had held her when she had wept; he had consoled Tom when he had blamed himself.

Eyes shining, Mika looked up at Lucas with a grin. “I don’t want to steal your thunder or anything,” she said, “but if my calculations are correct, then I think my due date is the week after your wedding.”

Lucas laughed, shaking his head. “Steal all the thunder you need, Mika. I don’t care. I’m so happy for you. You deserve this.”

She hugged her knees to herself, resting back on the sofa. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

*

Forty minutes passed before there was a click of the front door, the thump of a bag on the floor, and a few more seconds passed before a weary-looking Tom appeared in the doorway. He had come a long way from the virtually mute child he had been, but he still struggled to cope with colleagues: if he had his own way, he wouldn’t have to speak to anyone but his family, but his four day course had meant team building exercises – enough to stake fear into his heart.

His face instantly lit up when he laid eyes on his wife, drawing her into a tight hug before he even acknowledged his mother or Lucas. He held onto Mika as though his life depended on her. In many ways, it did. There had been dark times in his mind, times that he wasn’t sure he would have survived without her. She was his everything.

“I missed you so much,” he murmured into her hair as he held her. “I’m never doing another course.”

“Please don’t,” she said. “I hated this week. I missed you, hun.” She kissed him before she slowly dropped down onto her heels. Tom smiled at Lucas and then his mother, as though he was seeing them for the first time.

“Hi,” he said, his shoulders relaxing as he shook off the week. Maddie stood to hug her son, stretching up on her tiptoes to kiss his forehead.

“Hi, baby. How was your week?”

“About as great as I thought it would be,” he said drily. He had expected it to be awful, an utter drain on his physical and emotional energy. Mika was virtually the only person he could recharge with; everyone else exhausted him.

“I’m sorry, babes,” she said, “but at least you’re back now. We missed you back here.”

“I missed you too,” he said. He dropped his eyes to Mika. “How’ve you been?”

She couldn’t hold it in any longer than she’d already had to. Her grin cracked, her news bursting out of her. “I’m pregnant,” she said, holding both of his hands.

Tom’s face went through a hundred reactions in the space of a couple of seconds, confusion and shock and elation crowding his eyes and spilling out. “What? Mika, what?”

“I’m pregnant,” she said again. “You’re going to be a daddy. We’re going to have a baby.” She began to cry, her face crumpling. “We’re going to have a baby.”

Tom clasped his hand over his mouth, tears streaming down his cheeks as his body crumpled, the weight of the week paired with the long-awaited news enough to weaken his knees. He dropped onto the sofa, his shoulders shaking. “You really are?” he asked, his voice cracking.

“I really am,” Mika said. “I took a million tests and then I went to the doctor two days ago. We’re having a baby.”

Tom couldn’t control his emotions, one hand covering his face and the other wrapped around Mika’s waist. “Oh my goodness,” he said at last, getting a grip of himself. “Oh, Mika. I…” He trailed off, though his glee was evident in his face, in the way he gripped her in an iron hug. “We’re going out to celebrate. We’re going to your favourite restaurant.”

Mika laughed. “That’s in Birmingham though, it’s an hour away!”

He laughed too. “I don’t care. We need to celebrate. This is amazing. Oh, wow. I … I can’t believe it. We’re going to have a baby?”

She nodded, holding his hand. “We’re going to have a baby.”

Lucas stood shoulder to shoulder with his grandmother, the two of them silently watching. They couldn’t bear to disrupt the moment, but they couldn’t bear to walk out on it either, until Tom stood and pulled both of them into a simultaneous hug.

“I’m going to be a dad,” he said, spurring on a fresh round of tears as he hugged his mother. “I’m going to be a daddy.”

Lucas hugged him back, his own emotions overwhelming him. “You’re going to be the best dad.”

*

After hours at his grandmother’s house, caught up in the emotions of Mika’s news, Lucas found it refreshing to walk through town towards the coffee shop where he was due to meet Asher. The rain had stopped, a brisk wind taking its place, and he walked with his hands deep in his pockets. His first choice, Coofee, was shut for a few days for renovations so he kept going, heading towards one of the bigger brands that he rarely frequented.

He didn’t think twice before swinging open the door, only stopping in his tracks when he was already inside the coffee shop. He checked twice, in case his vision was even worse than he thought, but there was no doubting that the woman behind the counter was Adler. That wasn’t a face he would ever forget, and after almost ten years of avoiding her, she was only a few metres away. But she hadn’t seen him. Swallowing the sickness in the pit of his stomach, Lucas turned on his heel and darted outside, his phone in his hand as he dialled his fiancé.

“Hey, kinkyboots,” Asher said, picking up almost instantly. “I’ve just left – I’ll be with you in … about four minutes.”

“Hey,” Lucas said. “We need to meet somewhere else.”

“What’s up? Are you alright?”

“I just got to Costa,” he said. “Adler works there.”

“Oh my God.” Asher spluttered. “Really? Wow. I didn’t know she was still around here.”

“Well, she is. We can’t go there.”

“This is your chance, Lucas,” Asher said. “Don’t let her win. Go in there, hold your head high, and just act like you don’t even know her. Or, or, you could take the low road and rub it in her face that she’s a piece of shit.”

Lucas scoffed. “Yes, because that sounds like me,” he said. Asher laughed.

“You can do this. I’ll be there soon. Just go in there, order a couple of drinks. It’s been, what, ten years since you guys saw each other. It’ll be ok. You already won, Lucas: you didn’t let her ruin your life.”

Lucas didn’t fully agree with that. For several years, Adler had ruined his life. But he knew Asher was right. Time had passed. A whole decade had flown by since Adler had been expelled from St Matthews; it was a lifetime ago. “Ok,” he said. “Wish me luck.”

“Good luck, you funny old thing,” Asher said. “I’ll be with you soon, babes. You can do this.”

“See you soon,” Lucas said. He took a deep breath, trying to slow his racing heartbeat, and he headed back into the coffee shop. Adler was taking orders while another barista made the drinks. She looked up at him and did a double take like a deer in the headlights.

“Lucas,” she said, somehow shortening and blunting his name.

“Hi,” he said. Uttering a word to her took more energy than he was sure he had. He focused on Asher’s advice: pretend she wasn’t even there. “Could I have a hot chocolate, please? With cream and marshmallows,” he said. It was hard to be so polite to her. “And the same for my fiancé.”

That got a reaction. Adler’s eyebrows shot up as she keyed in the order, her hand pausing over the screen, and she glanced to the side.

“Your fiancé?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Your … invisible fiancé?” She pulled her eyebrows together, her lip twitching. “I guess that seems about right,” she muttered, adding another drink to the order anyway. Lucas gritted his teeth.

“He’s on his way,” he said, his voice clipped. Adler just pressed her lips together and slowly nodded. Lucas narrowed his eyes, a flicker of rage igniting itself. “You don’t believe me?”

She shrugged. “Do you blame me?” She snorted. “I’d say, given your track record … I’m inclined not to believe in your imaginary fiancé.”

“My track record?” He tightened his grip on his debit card, the plastic bending in his hand. “What’re you talking about?”

Adler rolled her eyes. She didn’t seem angry, he thought, though he was wondering if she was a little unhinged. “You know, your history … making stuff up. I guess nothing’s changed.”

Lucas’s eyes widened. “I’ve never made anything up,” he said. He couldn’t if he wanted to, and he struggled to just stand by while she slandered his name, if only to herself. He dug his nails into his palm. He tapped his card against the reader when it prompted him to pay but his mind was swirling, his cheeks burning with indignation.

Adler curled her lip. Her eyes went cold. She hadn’t changed a bit. Lucas felt his stomach turn, wishing he had ignored Asher – or at least waited for him. “You threw me under the bus,” she hissed. “You tried to ruin me. So don’t come in here acting like Mr Innocent when you’re still just a crazy, filthy liar.”

The words stung. Lucas didn’t know what to say, his skin flushing hot and cold. It was only when he heard the door open that he moved, flooded with relief to see Asher stroll in with his trademark grin. That grin never failed to ignite butterflies in Lucas’s stomach, a fire in his heart.

“Hey, hun,” Asher said. “Sorry I’m late.” He didn’t even glance at Adler. He headed straight for Lucas, resting his hand on his waist as he kissed him. The kiss stung, pressing on Lucas’s stitches, but he didn’t flinch: he wanted to make a point. “Did you get the drinks?” Asher asked when he pulled away, his hand finding Lucas’s.

“Mmhmm,” Lucas hummed, nodding. He could feel Adler’s eyes on him and when he turned to face her, waiting for the drinks he had ordered, he was met with a face of utter confusion laced with disgust and horror.

“What? What the hell?”

“Oh, hi, Adler,” Asher said, cool as a cucumber. “It’s been a while. How’s it going?”

“Oh my God.” Her cheeks had lost all colour. “You’re gay? You’re getting married?”

“Oh, did Lucas tell you?” He grinned and squeezed his hand. “Yeah, we’re getting married in December. It’ll be seven years that we’ve been together. Pretty amazing, huh?” He gazed at Lucas, the most sincere love in his eyes, and Lucas thought he might melt into a puddle of appreciation and adoration.”

“Oh my God,” Adler said again. “You’re marrying him?” She looked disgusted. “I … well, that explains a lot.”

Asher feigned confusion. “What d’you mean?”

“You and me,” she said. Lucas’s stomach turned. It sickened him to hear her mention it as though it was something that had mattered, as though it was something she still thought about. Asher had put it behind him as a dark mark in history long before he and Lucas had got together.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Asher said, still playing innocent. He held Lucas’s hand tightly, running his thumb over the back of his hand. “This has nothing to do with … that.” He laughed. “You’re not the only girl I ever dated.”

The second barista set the two hot chocolates on the counter, cream bubbling up out of the hole in the plastic lid. Adler stood rooted to the spot, dumbfounded and horrified.

“Oh,” Asher added, “but you are the only one I regretted.” He looked down at Lucas again. “How about we take these to go, hun?”

He didn’t often use that nickname, usually preferring something more humorous – kinkyboots had become a favourite over the past couple of years – but Lucas liked it. He nodded and took his drink, casting a glance at Adler. She still looked as though she had seen a ghost. There was so much he wished he could rub in her face, every perfect moment from the last seven years, but he didn’t want to tarnish his life with Asher but smearing Adler all over it.

Asher raised his drink to Adler. “Thanks,” he said, heading towards the door. “See you around.”

When the cold air met Lucas’s hot cheeks, he was sure he might spontaneously combust, that he would burst into flames or melt into a puddle or throw up. Instead, he pulled Asher to a stop outside the coffee shop and looked up at him.

“I love you so much,” he said, his voice shaking. He hated that Adler could still get under his skin, that her words had shaken him, but Asher had more than made up for it. “That was amazing. Oh my goodness. I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Asher said, grinning. “If it didn’t hurt you so much, I’d kiss you right now.”

Lucas moved closer, tipping his chin up an inch. “I don’t care,” he said, his lips meeting Asher’s for a couple of seconds before he had to pull away, wincing. “Ok, that is actually incredibly painful,” he said with a laugh, “but the sentiment remains.”

Asher grinned. “That was pretty fun, I must admit,” he said. “Is that awful?”

Shaking his head, Lucas beamed. “Not at all. That was amazing.”

*

After a big supper, Lucas sprawled out on the sofa with ice on his lip and his head on Asher’s shoulder as they watched TV. It was getting late, almost ten o’clock, but he was too full to lie down in bed just yet. Neither of them much in the mood to cook, they had ordered a Chinese takeaway and despite inevitably ordering too much, they had polished off the lot.

“I don’t think I can move for a week,” Lucas groaned, his words muffled by the ice pack. His lip was painful and swollen, and it hadn’t helped to get sauce in the cut. There was only so much the painkillers could do; the ice helped more.

“Right there with you,” Asher groaned. He stretched his legs out, resting his heels on the coffee table and sloping his arm around Lucas, kissing his forehead. “Sorry. Again.”

“It’s ok,” Lucas said with a smile. Asher’s apologies had hardly stopped for more than twenty-four hours, awash with guilt that he had sent his fiancé to A&E. “As long as I look good in our wedding photos.”

“Of course you will,” Asher said. “And even if it doesn’t go away … scars are sexy.” He kissed Lucas’s cheek and his jaw, trailing his teeth over his earlobe until Lucas jerked away.

“Get your teeth away from me! I really don’t want to have to go back.”

Asher guffawed and hugged him closer with a yawn. “God, I’m shattered. Time for bed, I think.”

“Mmm. I just want to catch the news,” Lucas said, the yawn infecting him. It hurt to stretch his mouth so wide, trying to suppress the yawn that fought to break free. He was on the edge of falling asleep on Asher, comfortable in his arms, until the news lit up the screen and the tickertape of BREAKING NEWS across the bottom jerked him out of his slumber. A solemn newsreader shuffled papers in front of the camera.

“The country is on high alert once more after terror struck Birmingham City Centre ninety minutes ago, in what police are calling the worst attack the country has seen in five years. So far, there have been fifteen reported dead and hundreds injured in a suicide terrorist attack on the city’s centre tonight.”

“Oh my God,” Asher murmured. “That’s awful. What the fuck is wrong with the world? Why does this shit keep happening? God, it’s horrible.”

Lucas sat on the edge of the sofa, his face white. “No, no, no.”

“What?” Asher frowned.

“Tom and Mika went to Birmingham,” he said, his voice already beginning to shake as the news showed footage of the carnage. “They went to Birmingham earlier. They went to have supper. Oh my … Asher, they were there.”

“Hey, it’s ok,” Asher said. “I’m sure they’re fine. They’ll be ok. I’ll call Mika.”

“No, no, no,” Lucas muttered, his eyes darting across the screen as his heart began to race, his palms going clammy. “What if they were there?”

“I’m sure they’re ok. Don’t worry – you don’t know anything yet, Lucas,” Asher said, his voice steady and calm. “What’re they in Birmingham for?”

“They went to celebrate,” Lucas said, his voice going hoarse. “Mika’s pregnant. They went out to celebrate. Oh my goodness. No. They can’t be there.”

Asher rubbed his shoulder, dialling Mika’s number. Lucas sat completely still, staring at the screen as the news played shaky camera footage of the scene of the attack. Scores of police were on the scene, people crying and running, or huddled in shop doorways. His brain blurred as he prayed that the worst hadn’t happened, his nails digging into his palms so hard that he left red crescents in his skin.

And then his stomach dropped. The camera panned over the scene, sweeping over an unmistakeable figure. For a split second, Mika was weeping in the background, supported by a policeman. The camera moved quickly away from her, but it was long enough for Lucas to recognise her face, her outfit, her distress.

He felt like he was going to throw up, launching himself across the room with the remote in his hand. His heart pounded as fast as it had before, his breaths fast and shallow as he grabbed the remote, his shaking hands rewinding in slow motion until he paused with Mika in the scene.

“Oh, shit.” Asher’s voice dropped away. “Holy shit.”

“Mika’s there,” Lucas said. His whole body began to shake. “Mika’s there. They’re there. Asher, they’re there. Oh, no. No, no, no.” He shook his head, unable to tear his eyes from the screen as he sat inches away, his eyes peeled. “Where’s Tom?” he cried, rewinding back and forth. No matter how many times he watched the second of footage, there were only two people on the screen. Mika, and the policeman holding her up.

He whipped around to face Asher, whose cheeks were ashen, his words failing him. Lucas dropped the remote, hardly able to hold himself up. His head was spinning with hundreds of things he didn’t want to see, millions of worst case scenarios that played out too realistically. Mika’s wailing, blood-streaked face was burned into the forefront of his mind, but all he could see was what wasn’t there.

“Where the fuck is Tom?” 

+ – + – +

i hope you enjoyed this chapter! a bit of a long one – sorry! i thought it was going to end up a shortie but it somehow jumped to 7k. i apologise for my relative absence recently – i’ve been having a bit of a rough time with vertigo but finally found a doctor who listened to me. third time’s a charm! hopefully updates will get a bit more frequent as i plan to start Turning Point for nanowrimo on the 1st of November, as well as a 3 chapter shortie for halloween. i’m also excited to debut the cover for this year’s christmas story (yes, this is going to be an annual thing i think!)