On Saturday I took a bus to Portland. I didn’t call Rosie, she could be out with her friends or at school, who knows, but I was risking it. I got to Portland by two that afternoon. I grabbed a cab and gave him Rosie’s address while praying she would be there. As I watched the building pass beside me, I thought about what I would say to her when I saw her. I should be honest, I told myself. I should tell her why I wasn’t answering her calls, and what I feel.
The cab parked across from the street, I got out and went into the building.
As I stood in front of her door, I felt that horrible tickle on my fingertips, my heart racing, my breathing uneasy. I lifted my hand and knocked on the door. Nothing at first, which made me think, of course not, it’s Saturday, even her roommates are probably gone. I knocked a second time and this time, I heard her voice coming from the other side saying “Coming, coming. Hold your horses!”
The door opened and Rosie’s face went blank. I was the last person she was waiting for. Then, those big eyes and her slightly parted lips turned into a smile. I was waiting for her to be angry, maybe even to close the door on my nose, but she just stepped aside and let me in.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call. I should’ve.” I said walking in and sitting on the couch.
“Yeah, you should’ve. You’re lucky I have to study. Otherwise, I would’ve gone camping with the guys.”
“Oh, lucky me I guess,” I said in an attempt to joke. A bad attempt. Rosie sat next to me and looked into my eyes, fiercely, refusing to look away with an answer “I’m sorry I didn’t pick up. You called me a bunch of times and I just couldn’t. I was scared.”
“I just wanted to make sure you were alright, Riley. If you just want for us to be friends, I’m cool with that.”
“That’s the thing, I don’t. That’s what scared me. Look, I’m not blind, I’ve known I have feelings for girls since I’m five, but I just… I wasn’t ready to accept it and you kissed me and I had to do something about it and reevaluate and… and…”
“And what?”
“And I think… I would… like to… Jesus. I don’t know how to…”
Rosie held my hand, her skin felt soft, warm. “You wanna go out with me again? Maybe… hold hands this time?”
I grinned widely “Yeah. That’s what I was trying to say. I wanna… be with you.”
Rosie stroked my face with a sweet tenderness. Then she approached slowly and we kissed. I didn’t pull away this time. I closed my eyes and let her do it, without fear, without regret. Everything I did as her lips merged with mine was to enjoy the moment.
Rosie and I dated for five months. We’re still in touch; it wasn’t a nasty break-up, just two people talking about how they couldn’t be together anymore. She’s a surgeon now. She married an anesthesiologist. She invited me to the wedding but unfortunately, I couldn’t make it. I was overseas at the time. They have a baby boy called Roman. I should give her a call sometime. My psychologist says talking to old friends might help out.
I must say as long as our relationship lasted, Rosie made me happy. She was funny, smart, patient, sweet. I saw her every weekend, she would come home or I would go visit her, and we spent hours on the phone every day. But my relationship with Rosie was doomed since the beginning. It didn’t work for the same reason none of my relationships did. Rosie wasn’t Faye.
Three and a half months into our relationship, things started getting complicated. No, not with Rosie; with Faye. I had never dated anyone for over three weeks and now I had been dating the same person for almost four mouths. And Faye was the only one who knew about us. I had come to grips with my sexuality, it didn’t mean I was ready to get out of the closet. Not only that, she was used to having me all to herself, but with Rosie in the middle, we couldn’t go out on the weekends because I was with Rosie. On Friday I spent hours on the phone or texting my girlfriend while she was trying to tell me something or ask me something. Yeah, I know, I was a crappy friend. But it was my first girlfriend, I was excited, which might explain why I didn’t see it coming.
One Friday, after school, the guys and I agreed on meeting at Donnie’s Pizzeria at seven. We all arrived on time except for Faye, but that wasn’t uncommon, Faye was never punctual. She still isn’t.
We order two large pizzas, one Pepperoni, one Margherita. We were all waiting for Faye and for the pizzas to arrive. I had my feet up on the seat that was supposed to be hers, to claim it I suppose. Scott had just cracked a joked and we laughed our stomachs off when I heard Louise say “Hey, Faye! What’s up?”
I took my feet off of her seat, turned around to look at her and saw her… holding hands with some guy I had seen twice at school.
“Hey, guy. This is my boyfriend, Landon.” And that was all it took for me to hate him; for her to introduce him as her boyfriend. Yeah, immature, I know. I was a teenager, give me a break.
I tapped the seat for Faye and as she sat down, she told Landon to get himself a seat from another table.
“Hey, I know who you are.” Scott said “You play with these guys… what’s the name of the band? High Privacy?”
“High Frequency,” Landon said pulling a seat from another table and putting it between Faye and me.
I haven’t thought about him in a very long time. But God, I hated him. Landon was tall, 6’1″ as I remember him; black hair, blue eyes, thin nose, sturdy jaw. He had what I call a ‘Boy band smile’. He would only give sideway smiles with self-sufficiency, even when he laughed he tried to look like a playboy. He wore a black leather jacket and drove a motorcycle. I don’t believe he could’ve been any more cliché even if it was his intention.
When the pizzas arrived, Landon reached out and grabbed a big slice for Faye, and another one for himself. Their interaction made me uncomfortable for various reasons. I wanted to talk to Faye, but Faye only had eyes for Landon. Every joke he cracked, she laughed. Every stupid thing he said, she acted like it was the most interesting thing in the world. And the face licking. I’m sorry; I can’t describe it like anything else, that’s what it was.
The thing is that it’s not just about how much they were kissing, is the complete lack of respect for everyone who was watching. For a moment I thought they would have sex right there on the table, and that feeling, that idea, it made me want to puke.
I stood up and ran to the bathroom. I kneeled down on the toilet and puked. I felt my face turning red, my tears coming out. I puked the entire pizza out. When I was done, I stood up, feeling the cold sweat on my back, asking myself what had happened. I convinced myself there was something wrong with the pizza, or something ridiculous like I’d been eating healthier lately so the amount of fat made me puke. That’s a thing, right… Right?
I washed my mouth and while I was drying off my face, Faye walked in.
“Hey, you okay?”
I glimpsed at her and then decided, yes, I am angry. “Fine,” I said, cold, short, with my eyes on my own pale reflection.
“You sure? You look a little bit worked up.”
“I said I’m fine” I replied a little too rough.
“What is up with you? I’m just making sure you’re okay.”
“Leave me alone, Faye. Go back to your face-licking boyfriend.”
She gave a smug smile “Is that it? Landon?”
I sighed, then turned around and rested my hips on the sink “Why didn’t you tell me you had a boyfriend? Or that you were interested in someone?”
“And exactly when was I going to do that, Riley? Maybe you haven’t noticed, but the only moment I see you anymore is at school, and you’re always on the phone with your precious little girlfriend.”
“That’s not true. You could’ve just said ‘Hey, by the way, I’m planning on dating a douchebag.’ That would’ve been nice.”
“Douchebag? Seriously? Oh, no, man. Excuse me. Because your girlfriend is fucking perfect, isn’t she? She’s the best woman in the world, no one could compare to her.”
“Actually, yeah, kind of,” I replied with the total intention of making her angrier.
But she didn’t get angry, her face melted down. Her features softened and everything I saw in Faye’s eyes was sadness. An overwhelming amount of sadness and I didn’t know why. She stared at the floor for just a moment before exiting the bathroom. I was about to apologize but then I asked myself, what had I said that hurt her so much? She was perfectly fine when I insulted her boyfriend but when I said…
I followed Faye to the table and couldn’t help but hear her voice tremble as she told Landon “We’re leaving”
Landon looked up “You sure? I mean, we just―”
“We’re leaving.”
Landon stood up knowing something had happened, said goodbye to everybody and then put his arm around Faye’s neck and they both left.
“Ry?” Scott called as I watched my best friend leave sad, because of something I said. “Ry? You okay? What happened, man?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. We just had an argument.”
They all looked at each other but made no comment. I sat down and while they continued talking and laughing, I only stared at the door.
In the weeks that followed, things got worse. We only interacted when we hung out as a group. Faye was always joined by Landon, and whenever I tried to speak to her alone, he made it impossible. To add to the mix, Landon and I started having our problems and by problems I mean fights. At the beginning they were nothing out of the ordinary, just two kids not being able to get to a mutual agreement when it came to movies, music, books and stupid things. But since he didn’t like me much, he started controlling Faye into not seeing me, which only made me hate him even more, which contributed towards our fights getting bigger and bigger, up until the point he would make offensive comments with no regards for the people surrounding us and I would shoot back with a comment just as mean. Faye would have to get in the middle to calm both of us down, and then I would leave. Faye would try to get me to stay but since we hadn’t really spoken since the Donnie’s thing, I wasn’t in a good place with her either. Faye and I drifted away and our friendship was on the edge.
But things didn’t really blow up until Scott’s birthday, about a month after the incident at Donnie’s. We planned on doing one of the things Scott enjoys the most; Paintball. At the beginning, it was supposed to be just us, our group; Scott, Louise, Bill, Mike, Faye and me. But then Faye said Landon had overheard it and wanted to come and Scott was too much of a good guy to tell her “I don’t want him there.” So we were down by one when it came to teams, and I called Rosie. Scott’s birthday was a Sunday so she was happy to show up.
Scott and I loved Paintball, so whenever we had time, we would go to the Paintball field outside Lenberg and it was just the two of us. We were so into it we each had our own paintball guns. His was red, mine was black.
We arrived at the field at about two o’clock. I had made a reservation because if you don’t, on Sundays, you might not even get a chance to play. Paintball was simple, we were released on a two hundred square feet area, resembling a battlefield in the middle of the forest, with lots of open space where you were an easy target, but also lots of stumps, barrels, holes and places where you could hide. We had to wear security gear the guys at the Paintball provided; a helmet that covered your entire face, plastic greaves and a plastic vest, which was the most important piece. If you got hit anywhere else, it doesn’t count. If you got hit on the vest, the other team gets a point. On top of the entrance of the battlefield, there was the board. Red Team and Blue Team. We were Blue Team.
We were at the tent, I was putting on my gear and helping Rosie put hers on. She had never done anything like this before but she really wanted to give it a try. She was one of those “Try everything once” people. As I placed the vest on Rosie and secured it so she could move easily while wearing it, I saw Faye fighting with her own vest.
“There, you’re set,” I said, she smiled and I couldn’t help but return the gesture. “Let me go help Faye with hers, alright?”
She nodded and I approached Faye the way an apologetic dog approaches its owner, slowly, carefully “Need help?”
She looked up and smiled, relieved “Yeah, thanks.”
“Where’s your boyfriend?”
“Trying his gun outside, with some bottles.”
“Listen, Faye―”
“I know. I’m so sorry, too. I’m an asshole.”
“No, you’re not. Alright, maybe a little…” she laughed “But so am I, I’m sorry.”
She grinned and hugged me, tight, like only she knows how to hug me. I remember her hair smiled like apple.
“Babe?” Rosie called me. I had forgotten she was a few feet behind me.
I let go of Faye fast and turned to her “Let’s go.” I said.
Paintball was intense and too tight. Whenever we thought we had the upper hand, they flipped things over, and whenever they got cocky, we showed them it wasn’t over. On my team, I had Scott, Rosie, and Mike. On Faye’s team, there was Bill, Louise, and Landon. Throughout the entire game, Landon tried his best to find me and use every paintball he had on his hopper on me. Sometimes, he got me, some other, I got him while managing to get Faye and Louise and Bill a few other times.
The game was about to end and we were tie. Since Landon wouldn’t leave me alone, I decided to use that against him. I let him follow me into the woodier part of the battlefield, close enough so I could see him, but not enough so he could shot at me with precision. If only he’d known he was walking into a trap. At one point, I started running fast, knowing he would come after me, doing my best to lose him. And I did. He hid behind some bushes. If I jumped out of him, he might be able to react just on time and hit me before I could hit him, so I needed to do something different. At about twenty feet away, to my right and to his left; there was a barrel, so when he got close enough to me so I could shot him easily I shot the barrel to call for his attention. It worked. He turned around to look at the barrel while I put three bullets on his vest. It took him a moment to realize what had happened and by that moment, the clock had already run out, the bell to indicate our time was over was ringing and I ran to the entrance yelling, happy, to hug my teammate. I hi-fived Mike and hugged Scott. Not far from us, the Red Team came out of the bushes cursing while they looked at the board. One point of difference. My point.
“Hey! That’s cheating!” Landon yelled coming out of the bushes too.
I started to remove my gear. I took my helmet off first, then my vest “Honey, it’s not my fault your brain can’t take some strategy.”
I turned my back to him to go back to the tent and hand out the gear.
I heard it first. That noise the Paintball gun makes when you pull the trigger. Then I felt it. The pain was sharp, intense, agonizing. I dropped to the floor screaming from pain. I didn’t see much of what happened afterward, the pain was blinding. I couldn’t think.
But for what I understand, Landon shot five paintballs at my back when I had already taken my protection off. I don’t know if you have ever played Paintball, but if you haven’t, that fucking hurts. Scott threw himself at Landon and punched him in the face twice before the guys could intervene. I heard Faye screaming “What the hell is wrong with you?”
The guys had to stop Faye from hitting him, too, so in the end, Landon walked away, running from Scott and Faye while the both of them yelled at him. I don’t remember much more. They took me to the hospital to make sure I was okay and I can’t recall that drive. What I do remember is Rosie saying everything would be okay and Faye holding my hand.
As it turned out, it wasn’t anything serious. I had five red small balls on my back that would soon turn purple, or even black, but the doctor gave me something for the pain and suggested little movement for a few days until the swallowing diminished. Landon’d managed to hit the back of my ribs and made a fissure on the bone since he was so close when he shot me. It sounds worse than it really was. The doctors said it would heal itself.
My parents came to pick me up and Scott and Faye apologized saying they should’ve taken better care of me. With Mike, Bill, Louise, and Rosie it was different. Faye and Scott knew me since we were kids. I take care of them, they take care of me. That is what we are to each other; what we were at least. Faye insisted she wanted to go home with me and make sure I was okay, but my dad said: “You’ve done enough, don’t you think, Faye?”
Faye was abashed by that, but she wouldn’t let go. She insisted she wanted to come with me. At one point, Rosie had to grab her by the wrist to tell her they were angry and they wouldn’t give in. And when they were a little calmer, my parents would let her visit me. Faye wasn’t pleased with that, but she gave up.
I said goodbye toeveryone and got in my parent’s car.
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