Idiots To Lovers (Bxb) Bonus | Poem by Brian

Hiya! Brian wrote this cool musical number for Idiots! It’s based on the last chapter where they were learning to drive 😀
Brian also writes a ton of awesome queer stories so don’t forget to check out his page right here —> BrianMullin0 🙂

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[Both]     We’re learning to drive today.
[Cl]         Hooray
[Ev]        A skill that I’m gonna slay
[Cl]         I pray!

[Everett]
I’m learning to drive with Clementine
I look so fly and I’m feeling fine
The world before me will soon be mine After this lesson with Clementine

[Ev]        He’s teaching me how to drive!
[Cl]         I’ll strive!
[Ev]        I’ve never felt so alive!
[Both]    High five!

[Clementine]
I’m teaching my idiot how to drive
And I’m hoping that we can stay alive
He thinks it’s like baking bagels with chives I’m praying Everett learns how to drive

[Cl]   I’m over by the cloister…
[Ev]  Today! (Everett makes ‘vrooming’ noises)
[Cl]   The world’s not yet your oyster.
[Ev]  Okay.

[Car prop ‘drives’ onstage. Everett right, Clementine on the left. Sounds of cars passing by, with occasional honking.]

[Everett]
I’m learning to drive with my Clemmie
I think that he might win an Emmy
He seems so calm, his hand’s on my arm And ew! It’s cold and somewhat Clammy.

[Cl]    Oh my God, Ev, what are you doing?
[Ev]   I’m waving ‘Hi’ to Officer Ewing!
[Cl]    Please don’t drive on the pavement!
[Ev]   I am making a statement!

Clementine sighs.

[Cl] Everett please, don’t use both of your feet!
[Ev] There are two pedals, right? That’s one for each!
[Cl] Use only your right! Please STOP at this light!
[Ev] I’ll park it right there – let’s not have a fight!

[Everett takes forever, but manages to parallel park, barely missing a fire hydrant.]

[Cl] This isn’t working, this isn’t the way
[Ev] You have all the patience of a souffle
[Cl] Souffles don’t have any patience, silly
[Ev] For goodness’ sake, that’s my point exactly!

[Everett gets out of the car, and the two switch places. Of course, Everett left the car in reverse, and we hear the crunch of Clementine backing into the car behind them. Clementine puts his elbows on the steering wheel, and his head in his hands.

[Clementine]
It could have gone better but it’s gone worse
It’s like today has been under a curse
Leave it to me – as teacher I fail
I wonder if he’d visit me in jail?

[Everett, in the meantime, has been looking at the car Clem hit.]
[Bright, cheerful allegro]

[Everett]
Look – there’s no damage, no scratches, no dent
Dude, it would never have happened if you
Hadn’t made it a dramatic event
I’ll leave Dad’s business card and that should do!

(sung a capella) Look, I’ll drive. It’s okay bro. I’ve got you.

[Everett kisses the top of Clem’s head, and entices him out of the driver’s seat. Once standing, he kisses Clem passionately. Officer Ewing, motorcycle policeman, honks as he drives by, giving them a ‘thumbs up.’]

[Ev]  Now this model student will treat his teach
[Cl]  With a bite of your butt, ’cause it’s a peach?
[Ev]  I was thinking something colder and sweet
That everybody I know loves to eat

[Ev]  I’m taking you for some dreamy ice cream
[Cl]  There’s only one flavour of which I dream
[Ev]  Ha! You can have any one but vanilla
[Cl]  Eyes on the road, you hunky Godzilla

[Everett makes the ‘Godzilla Roar’]

[Ev]  Stop touching me, dude – puts me in the mood
[Cl]  Think cold sarsaparillas and frozen food
[Ev]  I’ve thought of a take, a car-themed cupcake
With some cool, spun sugar stuff that you’d make

(Car & Cupcake ballet – don’t ask, just imagine it…then, in Éclair roadsters)

[Ev] It’s because you are my one and cone-ly*
[Both] That we two are not (pause) mint to be lonely*

[Ev] I learned how to drive with my Clementine
[Both] On the road, and through life, with each other
[Cl] It isn’t about the finishing line
[Both] But all about the journey my brother.

(They drive off upstage; rear of the car has aluminum pie plates tied to it, like a ‘JUST MARRIED’ car would have cans)

A/n: That was fun! Gotta say I’ve never received a musical fanfic before :’D
If you’ve got any fanfics/fanart of Idiots I’d love to see them <3

I can totally imagine this scene playing out with Everett being dumb enough to leave the car on reverse and Clementine being dumb enough to not check the gear xD

If you enjoyed this bonus content, don’t forget to check out the rest of Brian’s works on his page BrianMullin0

I am currently reading ‘Ctrl Alt Del’ which was written for Onc2023 (just like this book!) and I would highly recommend it 😀

Note
*sung as “Co – own -lee” and “Lo – own – lee”