‘why can’t we for once say what we want, say what we feel? take a chance with me’
At least that’s what Niki from 88rising once said in her song.
I really wanted to take the risk and the chance. But, how could I? When the person I like is you.
The untouchable, the unreachable, the Kim Chaewon.
1st year of school, I was only a transferee student who didn’t give a shit bout nothing. However, I could not bear the fact that people have always been talking and mentioning your name over and over again.
And so, I looked for you, I searched for you. Until that day, I found you. Sitting there silently with book in your hand, along with the headset that’s barely hanging from your ears. You looked… I’ve no words to describe. No wonder people always say that messy bun suits you perfectly.
From that very moment, I’ve come to realization that people were right. You are one heck of a person. The one that awakened the passion within me to know you better.
Quite stupid, quite shitty, I joined every club you went to, participated in every competition you went to. I tried everything to know what’s so special about you, not knowing the answer was always there, standing before my eyes.
“What time are you available?” Chaewon asked as we were just wrapping up things at the library.
“I’m free this weekend. Why?” I replied shortly.
“Ms Kang wants us to meet her, preparing for the upcoming debate competition” She said in such a bland tone, not even looking at my eyes.
I gave her no response but to simply nod my head.
“Hey, Kim Y/N” She added, this time I could finally see her eyes staring dead straight into mine.
“Y-yes yes, okay. Just tell me the time and place and I’ll be there” I replied.
That look she just gave me, no wonder why she’s the class president. She definitely has every material to be a leader.
“Saturday at 2pm, here” She said shortly then began to walk away.
“Copy that, Kim” I said as I followed her immediately.
She stopped and turned around at me, “For God’s sake could you please stop calling me that?”
I only smiled as I kept on walking past her.
The next day, I arrived on time. All I saw was only Ms Kang there. No signs of Chaewon showing up anytime soon. Minutes of waiting, Ms Kang and I decided to just start the session.
4 pm, everything’s done. After Ms Kang and I waved goodbye, I went home straight away. I sent her tons of reports and material for the upcoming competition. I even did the arrangment and distribution for both mine and her work.
Few weeks later, it was past school hour when I spotted Chaewon was looking busy at the library all by herself.
“What brings you to stay here longer than you’re supposed to?” I asked as I joined her.
“I need to finish my group assignment, due date’s coming to me like crazy” She answered as she kept on typing on her laptop.
Her answer made me raised my eyebrow as I came up with the question, “Huh? Where are your group mates?”
“Fuck my group mates. I should’ve gone solo for this assignment. Why should it even be a group work tho” She said in a flat tone but I could sense the urgency. Deep inside I know she’s actually whining.
“Why do you never like group assigments? I mean you can just divide the task and let everyone do their own part”
“Fuck it, Y/N. People are too slow and it will only get in my way”
One long sigh before I closed her laptop.
“What the f-” She raised her voice and glared at me.
“Go home. You don’t wanna get sick like you did last week, right?”
“But-“
“Come on, Kim. The world isn’t really moving that fast. I know you’re the top student here but for once in your life, can you just take a break? Not everyone dances the same pace as you”
She froze for a couple of seconds but on the other hand still managed to maintain her cold look.
We both then walked home together. It was silent. No talks were filling the walk.
Somehow, I started to see the other side of this untouchable and unreachable Kim Chaewon. Outside the school, she’s just an ordinary person who’s trying to survive another day. Just like me, she seemed to be vulnerable, yet she always managed to maintain that cold appearance of hers.
We parted ways as she went inside her home and I continued on walking. After arriving at home, I then realized. Silly me, why the hell did I bring Chaewon’s laptop with me?
*phone ringing*
“Yah Kim Y/N, my laptop! Why did you bring it home huh?!”
Her tone raised, probably the loudest one I’ve ever heard of her.
“S-sorry Kim. I had no idea that I was bringing it all this time. You didn’t even realize it either, huh?”
“Oh come on, Y/N. This ain’t no time to mess around, I really gotta finish my assignment tonight!”
“But it’s… already late. Guess we have no other choice but to call it a day. I’ll bring it tomorrow”
“The fuck are you talking about? Then what about my assignment??”
“You’re right… But still that doesn’t change the fact that it’s late now and I start to feel sleepy, so I guess…”
“Yah Kim Y/N!”
“Good night, Kim”
“Yah w-“
I hung up the phone.
The next day, I came to school knowing the fact that I had to face someone who surely wouldn’t be happy at all at me. I mean I took her laptop for a night, of course she’d be mad.
“Your laptop, Kim”
I put the laptop on her table as she gave me no answer but a middle finger right onto my face.
The class went just as usual. Another typical day at school.
After school, when everyone was going home, I stayed a bit longer. My eyes were on my laptop, scrolling and surfing thru some journals and articles.
It was kinda weird. I was never an ambitious student to begin with, but it felt like I got boosted emotionally ever since I met and knew Chaewon. I mean she’s the top 1% student. I guess getting to know her better did influence me to at least try to keep up with her pace. No idea what has gotten into me, perhaps I was also affected by my feelings towards her.
Just as I was reading some articles, a sound from my phone interrupted. I took it and saw a notification showed up on the screen. It was Chaewon, texting me, telling me to meet her at the lobby.
“What’s the matter, Kim?” I said to the girl who was standing all by herself, yet with another headset that’s barely hanging from her ears.
She formed a fist, “You say that name one more time and I swear to God I’ll kill you”
“Whatever. What is it now?”
She took one deep breath before saying, “Why did you do it?”
“Sorry?” I replied spontaneously.
“Why did you do all of my work?” She totally stared at me right in the eyes.
“Your… work?” I was trying to play dumb.
“Why did you do it? You intentionally took my laptop home last night and decided to finish all my work? Why? You want something from me?”
It was a serious look she gave me. Urgency and emotions became palpable within her eyes.
I let out a sigh and just simply said, “You have a unique way of saying thanks”
“Whatever” She rolled her eyes before grabbing something out of her bag. “Here” She said simply while handing me a can of coffee.
The sudden act of her surely surprised me and got me confused.
“Huh?” I maintained a confused look while staring at the coffee in her hand.
She took my hand and forcefully gave it to me. “I don’t know much about coffee but I guess everyone loves cappuccino so…”
I stared for a few seconds at the coffee she gave me before gazing my eyes back towards her. “Well… I do like cappuccino, but I… didn’t ask for it?” I tried my best to hide my nervousness.
“You also have a unique way of saying thanks” Chaewon said simply before walking past me, leaving me in the warm afternoon at the school hallway.
What was that? Was it even real? Did she, the Kim Chaewon just give me a little gift? But isn’t she the cold and untouchable Kim Chaewon? The class president, the top 1% student, the competitive and ambitious student who doesn’t give a shit about anything but her grade?
Don’t wanna get my hopes up, but it seems like I slowly find a way to open up the soft side of hers. Deep inside, I always believe she’s just like all of us. She definitely has that vulnerable side somewhere deep inside her heart.
Weeks passed by and there were some days where Chaewon was absent. Looks like her staying-up-all-night-to-study habit did influence her health. It was undeniable that Chaewon was lacking some sleep.
And just like what I had been doing, I kept her updated everytime she missed out some classes. Sending her updates on the material and stuff.
There were some times where her action got me confused. The other day she would be at least kind enough to thank me for lending her a hand, but on the other hand quite often she just completely nagged at me.
It was another warm afternoon where I decided to spend the rest of the day at the school library, reading some articles like a complete nerd.
A notifciation popped on my phone, distracting my ‘in depth study session’.
“Come out, I’m in the hallway”
Taking a deep breath I did, wondering what else could be happening now as I slowly walked towards the school hallway.
“Thank you, Kim” I said blandly.
“Huh?” She responded with her eyebrow raised a bit.
“For disturbing my studying session” I replied.
She just rolled her eyes looking annoyed at my words. Seconds later she began to say, “Y/N, just tell me, what do you want from me?”
There she goes again, I thought to myself. This wasn’t the first time she threw me that nonsense question. No matter how I answered it, she would just keep on throwing me that question.
“Even if I read a thousand books in the library, I don’t think I will ever find the right answer to your question” I replied after we fell silence for a good ten seconds.
Hearing my answer, she just tapped my shoulder, not knowing what’s reason behind it.
“Perhaps you’re kind enough to elaborate your question” I added.
Chaewon took one long deep breath before saying “Sending me tons of materials I missed, helping me with my work and many more. Why did you do it? Why Y/N?”
It didn’t take me long to response to her question. “I was doing you a favor. Instead of nagging, I guess a thank you would be nice?”
“But why Y/N? We’re rivals” She said.
“Sorry, we’re what??” I was dumbfounded by her words, something I wasn’t expecting of her.
“Rivals, Y/N. Isn’t that why you followed all of my steps? Joining every club I went to, joining almost every competitions I participated in. You wanted to gain a better grade than me didn’t you?”
Her words made me bowled my eyes but then I smiled and let out a short giggle, throwing away my gaze off her.
“I can see… You’re getting the wrong idea here” I began to say.
Chaewon was left there confused as she didn’t respond to my words.
“It’s because I like you”, the words just came out of me automatically.
Chaewon bowled her eyes. The look she gave me felt like she just saw a ghost before her eyes.
The moment I saw her face that time was the moment I first saw her in that very look. The one I’ve never seen, ever.
“Kim… you there?” I playfully wave my hand in front of her not responding face.
Before she could even say anything, a shiny water began to form up, then fell down her cheek seconds later.
“Since… when?” She sounded so shaky. But from the tone she gave, no irriation was hinted.
Noticing tears slowly fell down her cheek, I volunteered myself to wipe it off using my bare fingers as I began to speak.
“Since… day 1? I don’t know, Kim. Guess it was when I saw you sitting alone with your headset that’s barely hanging from your ears?”
She giggled softly despite trying her best to prevent tears from falling down her eyes.
“B-but I do wear my earphone that’s barely hanging off my ears every day so..” She added with her shaky voice.
“Well you got a point there” I replied while giving her a soft giggle.
We both stood there silently staring towards each other. As the golden sun shone brightly, beaming its light through the entire hallway, bathing us in its warmth.
“So, now you know that I have a crush on you” I stared at her even deeper now.
“Mmh?” She replied, not even flinching her gaze off me.
“Your answer, Kim?”
“Well…” She said softly, giggling.
It’s because you are you, Kim Chaewon.
The persistent,
the dilligent,
the exceptional,
the only one worth worshipping, Kim Chaewon.
I hate that you are too perfect that even your flaws are perfect.
The moment I decided to start it all, the moment I said it to myself that I want to know you, better than I ever did.
You’re the hand that holds onto me when I’m about to fall. The hand that reaches me just before I drown in the middle of the ocean.
If only you could listen to my mind all this time, bet you would’ve heard it all.
I hate being away from you. I hate the fact that we’re in the same class, sitting inches from each other, yet I feel so distant from you. You’re so close yet so far.
And so, I tried harder.
Wasting my time to the competitions you went to, wasting my time to read tons of articles just to catch up with you so at the very least we could share some talk.
Turns out it wasn’t even a waste of time. Every day, every hour, every minute and every second. For every moment I spent with you is so-ever-worth it.
“Reading that letter again?”
A sound of a sweet and angelic woman echoed through my ears.
“A-ah, well…” I replied in a stutter before immediately put that piece of paper back onto the drawer.
“What are you? Admiring your own words?” She asked, all in a playful tone, which followed with a quick giggle of me.
“Till this day, I still have no idea how did you write it all. You were never that romantic or melancholic type of person to begin with” She added.
I only smiled softly at her while shrugging my shoulders. “I don’t know either. I guess you made it happen”
She gave me a soft giggle. “Anyway you better get yourself changed for now”
“Mmh? What for?” I replied in confusion, trying my best to recall on things I might’ve missed.
“Doctor’s appointment is at 3, honey! How could you forget about it??” She raised her voice.
I embraced myself towards her as I began to pat her head gently. “Oohh~ I know I know, I was just kidding. Why is my wife being so sensitive lately? Is this what pregnancy has gotten you into?” I said playfully.
She only gave me a pout before saying “Mmhh whatever. Come on Y/N-ah, hurry up”
“On my way, Kim!”
“For the love of God you still call me with that name even after we’re married?! Yah Kim Y/N!” Chaewon began to pull my hair real hard.
“Y-ya ya yah! Okay okay I’m sorry. D-don’t want our baby to have a bald father do we?” I tried my best to escape from her rage.
After letting out a burst of emotion, Chaewon let go of me and playfully push me towards the bedroom. I started to walk and slowly closing the door.
A few centimeters before the door closed, I gave her one final peek, “Hehe, Kim”
“Kim Y/N!!!” She responded, yelling.
Someone whom I’d not only risk a single house, but the entire world, the home of everyone, just to restore you: my home.
Thank you for proving me that you are worth the risk. Thank you for taking a chance with me, for letting me say what I want to say and feel what I want to feel.
Guess I am wasting my time writing this letter, just to convey my annoyance (admiration) towards you.
So here, I end this letter, thanking you.
Thank you for everything, I love you.
my dearest, Kim.
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