Asher’s POV(again):
I stare up at his peaceful face as the moon light shines through the window just enough to see his sharp features. Its the middle of the night, and even in the safety of Jays arms I still can’t sleep. I keep seeing him, seeing the white bubble pore out his mouth as he spasms on the ground. I still see his dead eyes that once held some love and life, I kept seeing Zak. It’s been a few weeks since he left me as well, since I drove him off the cliff. I would be crying on the floor borderline panic attack by now but the warmth and security Jay brought help a little, just knowing he was there, right in front of me.
I don’t want to wake him as it starts to get a bit too much, as the pain slowly grows and festers inside me, the guilt and regret eating me inside. I untangle my self from Jays hold and replace my self with my pillow, he mutters some incoherent words and latches onto the pillow before calming down again. I quietly leave the room and tiptoe past Lilys room and down the stairs to the kitchen.
Walking in I almost jump out of my skin seeing Jays mom sitting at one of the stools in the kitchen, slowly sipping her cup of coffee looking half dead with deep backs under her eyes.
“Oh, hello Asher, what up?”She asked in a slightly drained voice, but it still held her kind undertone.
“W-water.”I mumble out, adding in my spot and fiddling with the corner of my sleeves. Before the situation got more awkward I swiftly make my way over to the sink to fill a glass of water for my dry throat. I sit on the stool beside her and drink my water silently.
“I lost a patient today.”She breaks the silence, string contently into her coffee mug.
“technically he wasn’t my patient, I’m not a doctor just a nurse. And I’ve lost patients before on my watch, but it was different this time.”She softly explains. All my thoughts of Zak calm dow slightly as I silently listen to her, letting her rant on.
“his name was Cole gunner, he was only a kid.”I tense up instantly at the name. Cole? That cant be right I helped him. She notices my change.
“did you know him?”she questions and I timidly nod. Not trusting my words I grab a pen off the counter and tissue to communicate, she knows everything anyway there’s no point hiding anything.
“Kinda, He used go get drugs from my dad. One day dad told him if he wanted to continue getting his fix he would have to join the gang, and to do that he had to prove himself, he had to kill. They didn’t know I was there, and Cole didn’t want to do it. I don’t really know why I did it, he just looked to mortified and hurt and lost It broke something in me, to see him in so much pain like I was in. So I distracted my father by breaking some glass long enough for him to hide away, then after dad was done with me I helped him sneak out.” I explain on the tissue. That day was the one of the many times my dad was so mad at me that beating me wasn’t enough, one of the many times he invited his friends over to ‘teach me a lesson’ about being a fairy the hard way, in a way I hated most. But the next morning, even though I was in so much pain a disgust I still felt like it was somewhat worth it, because Cole got away. But now he’s gone? He just couldn’t be he was fine the last time I saw him, well not fine he was pretty beat and went hospital but it was nothing fatale.
“Your just like your mother, so selfless and pure. Except for the fact that your a sky as a mouse and she was the craziest person on the planet.” She offers me a kind smile, I turn beat red in embarrassment.
“you probably did save him, you at least gave him longer to live….he died from three gun shot wounds, one in particular hit a major arty. Your father got to him in the end…..if, if he really is back to his old self, or worse, I just recently realised what that means.” She looks up at me and even though her eyes were red and rimmed with tears she gave me a motherly smile I hand’t seen in three years.
“It means I’m officially your godmother, I have the paperwork to prove it. Being Lila’s best friend we both signed for the other to become our children’s god parents if anything were to happen.” I just stared at her in utter shell shock. My godmother! I have a godmother! Does this mean she’ll basically be my mother, that I’ll finally have a parent thats not dead or hates the fact that I breath!
I suppose the concept it nice, to have someone whose truly cares about me like there own child. But then the bad thoughts resurface. “Last I checked, You have no faggot son. So unless you ‘reclaim’ this fag as your son, you and NOT my mother.” Jay words echoed through my thoughts. I don’t know what to say or think at this point. I don’t want another homophobic legal guardian, I don’t want another person who is supposed to care about me hate me for who I am, I can’t go through that again.
I reluctantly nod my head and put up a fake smile, I’m good at faking smiles. Then I just get up to leave again with out another word. I go back to Jays room to see him still asleep how I left him, hugging the pillow replacement of me, and I skilfully slide my self back into his arms trying not to wake him, yet failing anyway.
“Were did you go?”He mumbles in a groggy voice, still half asleep. Wrapping his arms tightly around me and pulling me closer to him, making my nerves some what calm down enough for me to think.
“I-I uh….g-got water.”I mutter in reply. Even half asleep I can tell he doesn’t believe me, but lets it go.
“Ok, you alright?” He questions placing a kiss on my neck.
“I-I will b-be……I-I th-think.”I honestly reply.
“well don’t think, thinkings bad. Just let everything go and sleep, we can talk about it in the morning k?”he reassures. Gathering that he’s probably right, I nod not trusting my words and attempt to shut my mind off.
Soon his steady breathing hits my skin and I know he’s fallen back to sleep, but I cant. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I plead for my mind to just turn off. Shut down, be blank, think of nothing. No scenarios, no out comes and dangers. No doubts or questioning my trust in others. Nothing works. It just keeps going and going, keeps racing at 100 miles an hour and torturing me with my self.
Soon the sun starts to peak through the curtains and hit the walls in a golden glow. Im not aware of the time but Jay starts to stir in his sleep, eventually his eyes crack open to reveal his beautiful green sleep ridden eyes.
“your up?”he barely mumbles while yawning and attempting to wake up.
“yh”is all I can rasp out to reply with.
“did you get any sleep?”he asks, now almost completely awake in a second, worry etched into his frown that had settled on his face. Hs concern makes me feel this minuscule light inside, the fact that he cares even after all I put him through. I offer him a weak yet warm smile and shake my head. His face softens and he sits up, taking me with him. Â He brings my head up to meet his eyes,
“wanna talk about it?”he asks, caressing my face in his large hand as I let my head relax into him, yet I shake my head again. He sighs but doesn’t push me for answer,
“Ok. But when you do want to talk, or write, I’m always going to be here waiting. No matter how long it takes. Its not good to keep things all bottled up inside fo so long, or think about everything all at once, it eventually comes out. If that happens I need you to promise your going to tell me immediately, I don’t care what time it is or shit like that, you call me. Okay, you have to promise me.”he stares deep into my eyes and I can see his desperation.
“P-promise.”I feel him relax at my word, his frown turns into his bright smile that seems contagious.
“Good, now come on we have to get ready for school.”
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