TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!! This chapter contains extremely graphic content, rape and other subject so if you plz read at ur own choice. Thank you.
Asher’s POV:
With my heart thumping against my chest and the pain coursing through every centimetre of my body, I still run as much as I can, falling but I use the walls and lockers to support me just enough to get me bursting through the doors into the refreshing cold air. Without thinking, I let my feet guide me out of the school grounds and down streets after street in a blur.
I end up at the park gate, clutching my side and limping through the gate till I get to the open field, only then do I succumb to the pain. Falling onto my knees, then flat onto my back, I stare at the blue clear sky’s of lies. I slowly catch my staggered breath and let all the pain fade away as I look up at the infinite blue that seems to carry on to no end, just still, plain, blue. Yet it seems like there are so many different shades and life in it. It’s freezing cold yet I still feel the suns rays fill my face with warmth.
I lay there and accept the peace. I let a single tear drip down my face as I think about how stupid I feel. I thought he was different, I don’t know why but I though he wasn’t like them, wasn’t violent. But today I was proven wrong. I guess they’re all the same, in the end they’re all just like Dad and Justin, so consumed with hate and rage and I’m sick of it. I wish so bad that he wasn’t but I saw him, I saw him punch Justin in the face and I saw them fight for whatever reason and I can’t deny that fact. No matter how much I wish I could.
I don’t now how long I was stuck in my thoughts, but by the time I came back to face this cruel reality, the sun was starting to set and the sky was turning a beautiful orange hue. This is the beauty of the world I live for, the beauty I long to find in someone, I long to feel and touch it with my two hands. The beauty that was in my mum and I’d like to believe it’s still in Zak through everything he’s become and all he’s suffered, he’s still in there somewhere. As I stare at the sky, it slowly becomes darker and I try to saver the image of freedom in my mind once it’s gone. And I see a face, I see his face.
I slowly drag my stiff body from the ground because the cold has now become extremely unbearable and the sky is now littered with the ever so faint sparkle of stars.
The house I’m supposed to call home comes into view and the bliss and peace I felt inside is slaughtered by my fear. I walk up the steps of the porch that creek under my weight. The house is quiet and the lights are off meaning no one is home right now. Answering the call of my stomach I slowly creep my way to the kitchen. Even though I know no one is home, the fear is almost painful in my veins, fear of what he might do if he ever found out I stole food from him. The last time I was caught, it didn’t end well for me. I take small unnoticeable bits of food, leaving everything exactly how I found it. I take my granola bar and a few grapes and sit on the floor of the kitchen, my stomach not being very happy at the moment, and begging to eat what little food I can.
I finish my food and start to head to my room, but as soon as I get a single step up, the front door behind me is smashed opened, scaring me out of my mind. I whip my head around to see Dad come in with an unreadable expression on his face. He’s followed by his right-hand man and another man stumbling while carrying Zack between them.
“Get him to throw up!”, my dad snapped at them as they step into the house. They struggle under his weight and try to gently lay his limp body down but end up dropping him half way.
“Sir it’s too late for that, it’s already in his system. We have to call 911.”, one of the men said as Zak’s body jerked in all directions and white foam bubbles out of his mouth.
“Z-Zak? ZAK!!”, the realisation hit me like a tone of bricks. They began to argue about what to do but I can’t make out what they’re saying. Dropping to my knees beside my brother, his movement slowly starts to decrease.
“ZAK!!!!ZAK!”, his skin is covered in sweat and his eyes are clouded, not the bright blue ones that belonged to him. Fear and shock wipes over me as I keep shaking him over and over with my small stickily weak arms. But he doesn’t respond to me. Tears begin to blur my vision as my eyes burn and my throat closes.
“NO! Zak y-you c-can’t d-do th-th-this”, I manage to squeeze through the pain in my lungs and the dagger in my heart. He still doesn’t respond. I beg him, I beg him to look at me and to hold me and tell me everything is ok. But he didn’t say anything. And soon he stops moving completely.
“Zak? N-no no no n-no no. Zak!!!!”, I warp my arms around his still, heavy, empty head and hug him to me as I cry and sob into his chest.
“S-Say S-S-ome th-ing…..p-pl-please.” This cant be happening right now, please let this be a nightmare, I still need him. I still need him even if he gave up. HE CAN’T GIVE UP ON ME!!!! And just like that my world is officially broken.
The sobs and tears and pain was like a never-ending cycle, it just hits me in waves over and over again and I can’t bare it anymore. I don’t want it anymore.
I feel a strong grip on my arm so hard I know it’s going to leave a mark. Dad started to drag me away from Zak but I cant leave him, I thrash and scream and claw my way, it’s useless, but I don’t give up. Not when he grabs my other arm, not when he drags me down the stairs to the basement, not until I realise where we are.
The cold dark walls, the pipes, the smell, the concrete floor. I know exactly what happens here and I know there is no way I can fight my way out of this. I could never fight against him no matter how hard I try, he’s always going to get his way.
“THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!! I LOST MY SON BECAUSE OF YOU, A DIRTY WHORE!!!!!!!”, he shouts in my face as he throws me onto the hard unforgiving ground.
“BECAUSE HE CARED ABOUT YOU!!! YOU KILLED MY SON!!”, He starts to rain down his attacks on my body, every single inch he punched or kicked or hit. And I don’t fight it. I never fight it. All the strength I had depleted into nothing, all the pain he gave me was nothing compared to how my heart feels. He’s right, I killed Zak. I caused him so much pain because I was too pathetic to stand up for my self. I killed mum and Zak. They’re dead because of me, because they cared about me too much.
Soon I just fall numb to everything He does to me, nothing actually hurts anymore. I don’t do anything when he spews his word of hate at me, I don’t do anything when he calls his ‘friends’. I don’t do anything as they use me until there’s nothing but darkness to escape to. And I welcome it.
It’s dark and cold, my hands sting and feel numb, I cant see in all the rain pelting on my face and against my skin. The waves are harsh and cruel, every time one passes the next is already hitting the side of the boat. I try to stand up for a second but I’m instantly knocked back as a wave crashes over my right and attempt to swallow me, pull me over to the depths of death.
“ASH!!! ASH ARE YOU OKAY!!!?”I hear my mothers voice shout over the rain and waves.
“MUM!!? MUM IM FINE!!”I shout back as I try to secure down a rope. I catch a glimpse of my mother at the front of the boat taking the last of the sails down as the light flashes from the sky, followed by the hart stopping crack of thunder that goes down to my core, then left by threatening rumbles from the clouds.
“HOW LONG FOR THE S.A.R!!!”she calls out to me. I grab the radio and hold it up to my mouth,
“HELLO? IS ANYONE STILL THERE??”I ask through it and sit for an answer
“Yes Mr Greyson, A helicopter has been sent out to your location, there a few minutes out.”the operator on the other side tells me
“MUM THER A FEW MINUTES OUT!!! THEY’LL BE HERE SOON!!!”I have to squint to see her from this distance, even then shes just barely a blurry figure in the rain and darkness. The light flashes above us once again and I get a clear image of her perfect, angelic face. But she looked terrified, staring out into the sea.
I don’t see it coming, It roes dangerous hight, bringing with it the fear. Im petrified, I cant move or take my eyes of it as the wave smashed over our boat. Losing my balance I fall and feel a sharp pain course through my chest. I’m disorientated for a few seconds before I finally look up into the rain and darkness.
I cant see anything, anyone. At first I think its the rain, I cant see because of the rain, but even then I cant see her figure in the distance.
“Mum? MUM!!!”Another flash of light and I see the front deck clearly, and she isn’t standing there. She’s gone.
“MUM!!!!!” I shriek in desperation. She’s not there!! Were is she?
“MUM!??!! MUM WHERE ARE YOU????”I scramble to my feet on the wet surfaces forgetting the pain. My foot gets caught on a rope and I go tumbling down, but I’m quick to pick my self up and continue to the front of the boat.
I search for her, I started deep into the depth of the darkness but I cant see anything. Tears are mixed in with the rain but I know I’m crying, I can feel the pain in my chest through to my heart. The feeling I don’t know if its physical or not, but it hurts. I just about hear the steady beeping of the helicopter. Looking up I see its beam of their light cut through the black, only then can I actually see the rain drops beat down in all directions. I wave my arms and jump and yell to draw their attention, just as their light shines on my face, blinding me with the painful glare. I see the metal pole too late as it smashes into my head and pushes me into the water. I get swallowed by the depths of blackness. The metallic bubbles float to the surface but I cant. I’m confused and scared, I don’t know what’s going on as my head pounds away in pain. I watch the ever moving waved above me get further and further away as my lungs begin to burn and beg for air and my head throbs even more. I try to fight but it feels like I’m being dragged down by a strong grasp, yet I still try. The pain becomes unbearable as I beg for air to fill my lungs, slowly the darkness around me starts to consume me until there’s nothing left.
“AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”I scream my self awake, which causes me much pain. every inch of me hurts, I cant even breath properly with out feeling like I’m going to die. I can barely move and the fact that Ive been out cold on the concrete floor for god know’s how long just adds to that fact.
I just lay there in the deformed position dad and his ‘friends’ left me in, every second of what happened flash through my mind, along with it all the pain and disgust. I’m disgusting, I’m used and broken and nothing, I have nothing not even Zak because he’s gone now and its my fault. Its always my fault. Fresh tears run along the tracks left by the old dry ones and my body shakes in sobs, every movement sending a new wave of pain through me, but I don’t care. After a few hours I think, I’m not quite sure how long I just sat here and cried, too weak to get up. I finally gather up the strength to pull myself to sit agains the wall, soaking in the pain I make it, squeezing my eyes shut and drawing deep breathes to get air in my lungs. But I really wish I keep my eyes closed.
I look down at my body to see the degree of harm they inflicted on my body, and I almost faint as all the blood drains from my face. I’m naked and the entire inside of both my thighs are coated in blood, some of it has dried out but most of it was still wet and fresh. You wouldn’t be able to tell what colour my skin is if you look at any part of my body except my face, I’m completely covered in purple and blue and green, there is more blood coming from cuts around my hips and on my back, some of them I cant feel but the deeper ones on my back I can very much feel. Even my nails are broken and bloody and my knuckles are bruised from my missable attempts to break free. If I had any food left in my stomach it would be on the floor right now, but that didn’t stop me from gagging at the sight of myself.
I know I have to clean it all, so with that thought I attempt to get to my feet, but as soon as my butt lifts off the floor a steering pain shots up the entire bottom half of my body, HOLY MOTHER OF MILKY WAY!!!!! That hurt.
Eventually I crawl and drag myself to the basement stairs because getting up was not going to happen any time soon. At the bottom of the few step I was completely out of breath so I stop for a bit before conquer the god forbidden stairs that seem to mock me.
Making it to the bath room was a miracle, not only have I made it up the stairs but dad is also out. It took an hour to get here but I got there in the end. I lay on the clod bathroom tiles for a while to catch my breath and allow some of the pain to reside before I get up again. I crawl into the bath tub and grab my bucket and cloth and start to slowly wipe off the blood and dirt of my delicate skin. The hot water helps smooth my bruises and tender skin. Even after al the dirt and blood is gone I keep scrubbing and scrubbing, still being able to feel there hands on me, still feeling dirty and disgusting. No matter how much I wash and scrub it doesn’t do any justice but I stop after another 20 minutes, causing more pain to my skin that know feels like it could just flake off at any moment.
I get out the bath and tip the remaining water from my bucket down the drains and rinse the cloth. standing was now achieve able and I grab the towel to dry off and use it to cover as much as possible. walking is still crossing the limit, so I crawly back to my room wanting to just lay down and die, although I know I not going to get any sleep.
I push open my bedroom door to reveal my plain almost empty room. The first thing I do Is get some clothes. Lots of clothes, covering every inch of my skin in many layers even though it wasn’t cold. Then I go over to my mattress on the floor, but then I notice something I didn’t before. There’s a neat white envelope laying in the middle of it. There’s no writing on the outside so I have no idea who it’s from or what it’s doing on my bed. but as soon as I slide out the very top of the paper inside I knew who It was from, his handwriting hasn’t gotten better since he was 10.
Hey Ash.
I have so much to tell you, but since reading isn’t your thing I put it It all of it on the flash drive in the envelop. I just want you to know that I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I left you when you needed me, I didn’t stand up to dad because I was weak and stupid. So I’m sorry I couldn’t be the brother I was supposed to be, the brother you deserve.
I love you more than anything in my life, your all I had left. So don’t ever forget that you had a brother that loved you more than I loved myself. Please don’t blame yourself for this, it’s not your fault. This is my decision as stupid and cowardly as it is, you didn’t make me do it, you are the reason I lasted this long. So thank you so much for the light you gave me, the smile I have all but hoped not to forget.
Zak Greyson.
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