Loving The Lost Chapter 9

The photo above (or to the side, depending on how its presented on ur devise) is what I perceived to be what Lily wold look like. You can use ur own imaginations if u want,  this is just how I see her to be. 

Jay’s POV:

Its been two weeks since Asher had a panic attack on the roof. Amy had a go at me, she had a whole speech and everything for ditching her at lunch. But once I explained she had a go at me for scaring him in the first place. I can never win with that girl.

Everyday since I have gone up to the roof at lunch break with Asher, I don’t even mind the cold weather at all. I’ve noticed a few things about him, like he doesn’t eat lunch at all and even when I get him something to eat he only takes small bites before he’s ‘full’. Honestly that just pisses me off slightly, he’s so skinny and small, I guess I’m more worried than pissed but its all the same in the end. For the first day it was just me and him, but after some persuasion he allowed Amy to join because she was on my back about it. He barely talks but I can understand why, he mostly just listens in on mine and Amy’s conversations and occasionally pitches in. I notice he flinches and looks slightly scared for a split second every time we cures, like AT ALL, so we refrain from the profanity for his sake.

I’ve seen him for an hour and 15 minutes everyday. I don’t even understand it myself, why I like him so much. Why I find him so cute and beautiful with out even trying, why I pray to hear his voice even if its in stutters, or why I always feel like I need to protect him even though there’s nothing wrong. I have no clue, but I’m not complaining.

“I really like Asher you know.” I text to Amy while I just lay on my bed. It’s Saturday night, so as usual I have nothing planned other than text/ annoy Amy and my sister. Ive basically just watched tv all day, and the occasional homework.

“OH MY GOD I HAD NO IDEA!!!“she sarcastically reply’s

“Ok great. I need you to talk me out of doing something stupid.”

“Where r u going with this?”

“I’m going to come out to my mom. Like today.” My fingers were shaking as they hover above the screen from my nerves. This could either be the best or worst decision of m life. I don’t really know why I waited so long to do it, some part of me regrets not doing it earlier so that my father would have known. I have no idea how he would have taken the news, but I just wanted him to know who his son was before he died. That is one of the reasons I’m making this spontaneous decision, also the fact that I’m in love with a boy currently and have no idea how long I’m going to be able to hide my sexuality from her.

“OH MY FUCKING GOD BITCH YEESSSSS!!!! Its about time as well. I fell like I should try to comfort you or some shit, but I honestly have no idea how to do that. So on that note, good luck I think 🥴👍” I cant help but let out a small laugh at her lack of ability to sympathise. Although her trying did mean something to me, and calmed my nerve a little bit.

“Thats not talking me out of it dumass. Also thx for the support ☺️ “

“Listen you’ve got nothing to worry about. I met your mum and she seems pretty chill, also u have Lily there for you anyway.” I haven’t even thought about Lily yet, dam I really an stupid.

“Yh ur right.”

“Ik I am. Anyway I gtg my mom Is calling me to clean up the living room, we have guests today😒. Trust me it’s going to be fine don’t worry too much byeee.”

“K talk to u tmrw bye.“I shut off my pone and drag my self off my bed to head to the door. I knock on Lilys door but there’s no reply, I knock again it still nothing.

“LILY?!!” I shout, but I only get silance.

“HEY LILY, YOU IN THERE!! I NEED TO T-“I was cut off by her door flying open to reveal a very red and pissed off brunet.

“I was in the bathroom!”she snapped in my face.

“oh, sorry. I wanted to talk to you about something……please.”I see her face slightly relax from her frown as she huffs and opens the door wider for me to enter.

“What do you want to talk about?” She ask as I take a seat on her bed.

“I’m uuuh……I’m going to like, come out to mom.”Her head whipped around so fast it scared me.

“Wre you serious,”She asked in a hushed voice, eyes literally popping out their sockets.

“Well, yea-.”before I could even register what happened a body crashes hard into me, causing me to fall back on the bed,  utterly in shock.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.”she mumbles into my shirt as she clung to me, her arms wrapped to tightly around my neck I though she was going to chock me. She shoots up from the hug and stares me straight in my eyes, hers were filled with pure joy and warmth.

“Wait. This means I don’t have to keep it a secret anymore! FINALLY do you have any idea how hard that is, especially when you were dating that Tristan guy. Oh, is it because of this Asher your in love with? Also when can I meet him? Is he hot, cute OR is he both. Where’s he from? How old is he?…”She isn’t even looking at me, just spewing out all her thoughts and questions. I had to clamp my hand on her mouth to stop the words from pouring out.

“One, you talk too much. Two, he’s extremely cute and he has these adorable eyes, ones a bright blue while the other is almost turquoise green colour. He’s so small and cuddly I just want to wrap myself around him and hold him for eternity! He has a speech problem so he doesn’t talk very much, but when he does it the most angelic voice I have ever heard, even with his stutters. Oh and three, Never mention Tristan again.” I didn’t realise I said all that out loud, not until I hear a rather high pitch squeal come from my sister as she jumps around the room.

“HE SOUND SO CUTE!! I WANT TO SEE HIM SO BAD!!”

The dinner table was so silent, only the sound of our utensils scraping the plates echoed through the room. The awkwardness is unbearable, I literally want to run off a cliff and die at this point. Lily kept sending me weird glances and smiles throughout the meal.

“Okay whats going on?!”My mom questioned, catching us glancing at each other and the tension in the room.

“One of you are obviously hiding something, so spill it. What did Lily get pregnant? Did you get arrested?”

“WHAT!! Wow mom you really have faith in your kids. No I didn’t get arrested, but I have no idea about Lily though.”I try to hold my laughter at her face at my attempt to lighten the mood.

“SERIOUSLY!!! Uggg, no mom I’m not pregnant! Don’t listen to your dimwit of a son.”

“Language young lady.”My mom scolded. With in a split second I feel my anxiety go through the roof. The knife I’m holding starts to shake, my knee is bouncing uncontrollably under that table and I feel myself sweating buckets. Lily gives me an encouraging smile, so I take a deep, shaky breath before opening my mouth.

“I uh….I actually have something to tell you mom.”She put her knife and fork down and turned all her attention onto me.

“Yes love? What is it?”

“I-I’m,”I try to say it but my throat instantly closes up and hurts. I lose my breath and close my eyes to clam down my racing heart.

“Whats going on? Come on spit it out.” She placed one hand over my shaking one, allowing me to finally calm down a bit with her comfort.

“Gay. I’m gay!”I force out. The first thing she does is let go of my hand, and I felt my heart drop down to my stomach.

“No, no you’re not gay! You can’t be.”she chuckled but had a pained expression and just pure betrayal in her eyes.

“Yes, I am mom. I’m gay I like guy-“I’m cut off as sharp, hot sting spread across my left cheek and whipped my face to face the floor. I cant even move, I can’t think or speak. The shock and pain in my heart felt like pure death.

“MOM WHAT THE FUCK!!”I hear Lily screech, but I just stare at the floor, tears burning at my eyes.

“My son is NOT a faggot!!”she snapped, venom laced in her words. Venom that hit straight to my heart, tearing it apart.

“WELL TOUGH SHIT MOM!!!!”I shout as anger bubbles inside me that stemmed form my pain.

“I. Am. GAY!!! AND I FUCKING LIKE AHSER GREYSON!! Who by the way, is a fucking boy with a dick!”Tears have now escaped my eyes as I storm past her, not even bothering to spare her a glance to see the disappointment that would be in her eyes. Grabbing my keys I yank the door open and almost run into the pouring rain and to my car, slamming my door shut ignoring my sisters pleas for me to come back. I shove the keys in the ignition and back out the drive to leave.

I have no clue we’re I’m going, or what I’m even doing in fact. I just drive down the empty dark roads and watch the street lights pass over me and the rain beat down on the windscreen. I have to constantly wipe the tears from my eyes so I could see the road, but they just kept coming. Everything just happened so fast, like someone had just clicked there fingers and I’m in my car, driving to god know where, desperately trying to cope and understanding the fuck just happened. The pain, the betrayal I felt, I cant handle it. My mother, the one who loved me and raised me my entire life HATES me, just like that. She gave birth to me and protected me for 17 years, yet it took a few measly minutes and two words for her to just throw that all away. How could she do that? Am I that much of a freak in her eyes?

I ignore the constant ringing of my phone, eventually taking it out my pocket and tossing it to the passenger seat. My mind so clouded I just barely notice the small figure shine in my head lights as they trip up and stumble in front of my car! I slam my foot on the break so hard it hurt, and my car came to a skidding stop. With my heart through the roof! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!