Random Kny One Shots [Requests Closed] Fuck. I’m sorry. | {SaneGiyuu}

Theme: Angst

Note: TW: SELF HARM, APHENPHOSMPHOBIA (being touched), PANIC ATTACKS, *MENTIONS (not actively, only hinted)* OF SEXUAL HARRASSMENT/ASSAULT/R@PE I THINK, DON’T CONTINUE IYD WANT THAT. 

Modern AU, they’re both in highschool, ages idc <33, pretend there’s dorms, ehm.. they share one which is how their relationship came to be, uh, yeah i’m just making this up as i write help (no plot ideas woo-)
Erm I had to look up phobias and I found Apeirophobia which is the fear of infinity or eternity.. Which I might have-

Anyways, trying smth different for this one!! More Sanemi angst than my usual of Giyuu for SaneGiyuu<3

Sanemi shook, drawing the glass down his inner thigh. His shorts, rolled up as far as they could go, were stained with blood both fresh and dried. He looked at the blood and he paused, his mind drawing blank.

What was he doing? Why was he doing this?

The door opened and Sanemi looked up. He’d forgotten to lock it.

Giyuu took one look at Sanemi and then cried out, “Sanemi!” He quickly snatched the glass from him. “What the fuck are you doing?!”

Sanemi went quiet. He didn’t know what he was doing. 

“Sanemi Shinazugawa,” Giyuu said, his voice shaky but stern. “Listen to me. You cannot cut yourself. You must not. Understood?”

His hands grasped Sanemi’s and the albino male nodded, slowly. He looked scared of something now. Giyuu didn’t understand. Why was Sanemi’s like this, suddenly?

Hadn’t… hadn’t Sanemi said, some time ago when he’d found Giyuu with a knife to his own throat, that he must never die? He must never hurt himself? (:^ don’t do that, please)

So, why was Sanemi doing this. What was it?

Sanemi opened his mouth as if to say something then closed it. Giyuu tilted his head then, remembering Sanemi’s cuts, quickly addressed the topic once more. 

“We have to get you cleaned up. Go step in the bathtub.”

Sanemi did as he was told silently, numbly. 

Giyuu turned on the water and the two were silent as they watched the clear liquid slowly turn pink from the blood. 

Sanemi sat in the water, waiting, watching. Eventually, the water was up to Sanemi’s waist and Giyuu turned it off. 

“Do you want me to help?” Giyuu asked, moving closer so he could reach into the water. His hand hovered over Sanemi’s thigh, waiting for a response.

At this, the latter jerked away suddenly and shook his head violently. “No,” he mumbled. 

Startled, Giyuu moved away. “Oh, uhm, alright. But I’m going to stay in here to make sure you do it. You can keep on your clothes if you want but you have to wash yourself.”

Sanemi nodded rapidly and hurridly rubbed at his thighs, washing blood into the water. He didn’t notice the pain as he did so, too panicked to think about it. 

Giyuu hovered there worridly. What was wrong with Sanemi? Had something happened that day? He’d seemed chipper just yesterday.. 

Once Giyuu was satisfied that Sanemi had cleaned the wounds properly, he retrieved some bandages and ordered his boyfriend to wrap them around his upper legs (i almost wrote uppermoons oops) tightly. 

Sanemi did so and when he was finished, Giyuu gave him a towel to wrap around his waist to keep the water from getting all over their dorm. 

Then they were silent again, unsure what to do. Giyuu was nervous, almost scared of Sanemi. He didn’t know what to do because Sanemi had always been the one to help Giyuu. Sanemi had never let himself be helped. And he’d never shown a sign of needing it. But now.. now was different.

Sanemi was different.

And it was scary. It scared him. 

~~~

Fear comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes. It can be large and spiky, piercing your heart. It can paralyze you, stop your movement with metal bounds encasing your body. It can be small, an anticipation of what might or will come, but released after it’s over. But sometimes it’s something hovering over your mind, your body, making you feel dread and keeping you on edge for time after time, never bringing into the light of the sun to tell you exactly what the fuck is wrong. (the fact that I used some of this for my hw hehe)

That was how Giyuu felt.

Sanemi had changed, suddenly, in only a day. Suddenly, drastically, horribly. What had happened?

Giyuu was holding Sanemi’s hand, not wanting to leave him out of sight. They were in the living room.

Sanemi was on his phone and Giyuu was pretending to read though his mind had never been further away from the words splayed across the pages of the book. He couldn’t concentrate. Couldn’t think. What was it that had caused this to happen to Sanemi?

He turned, then, and said, quietly, “Sanemi?” 

“Hm?” The albino male turned to him, seemingly bored as he scrolled through his phone.

“What… what happened yesterday? You were so lively only the day before,” Giyuu mumbled. He paused. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to mention this. Well, it was too late to take back the words.

Sanemi averted his eyes. “I…” he looked down at his screen and didn’t respond for a long time.

The silence stretched across the room, muting every sound. Giyuu felt pressured at this and he struggled to think of something to say, wishing he’d never asked in the first place. But then Sanemi said, the words tumbling out of his mouth without a dam to stop them anymore, “Someone tried to fuck me.”

Giyuu felt as thought the words were crashing down on him like a cascade of water—a waterfall. He exhaled shakily, his gaze finding Sanemi’s and meeting the indigo eyes in which shame swam in. 

“What did you do?” Giyuu whispered, wanting—needing—to know.

Sanemi tore his eyes from Giyuu’s prying gaze and turned away, his back to the raven. “I… I was scared, Giyuu. I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. I’m sorry. I couldn’t stop them and they wouldn’t stop. I didn’t want it, I don’t want it.” His voice hitched and he pulled his legs up to his chest, his body rising in falling in hiccupy (not a word, is it..?) sobs. 

Giyuu placed a hesitant hand on Sanemi’s back, trying to help him calm. Sanemi flinched but didn’t move away—much to Giyuu’s relief. It was a long while until the white-haired boy stopped crying and Giyuu pulled Sanemi into a tight embrace, feeling horrible that he’d not been able to help.

“Who was it that did this?” Giyuu asked, glaring at the wall. Who had dared hurt Sanemi?

Sanemi shook his head. “I don’t know. Someone who had been watching me from further, so I’d not recognize him,” he murmured.

“I’m going to find who did this,” Giyuu said. “I’m going to fucking kill them.”

Sanemi looked up, hysterical amusement drawing his features into a loose smile. “Like you’d have the guts to.”

“If I have a reason to, I’ll set out to do it,” Giyuu said, huffing at Sanemi’s laughter. 

“Sure.” 

They were quiet again, their breaths intertwining in the tight encloser they’d made for each other. Sanemi tried holding himself up, wanting to seem stronger, more self assured and prepared, but Giyuu’s worried eyes and loving words made him feel weak and meek. He buried himself into the arms of his lover, seeking and finding comfort in this. 

~~~ (terrible place to skip around, I know, I’m sorry.)

Sanemi and Giyuu walked hand-in-hand through the crowd. They were out walking just for some fresh air but there appeared to be some sort of commotion and the place was full of people. 

Giyuu looked around for a place to get out where there weren’t so many people when Sanemi stopped dead in his tracks.

“Hm?” The raven-haired boy said, confused. He turned to his lover who was staring at the ground with a look of fear. “What happened, Sanemi?”

He didn’t answer and Giyuu went back to him, letting go of his hand as he walked closer. “Is… everything alright?”

Sanemi’s breath was coming out in short intakes; he looked panicky and terrified.

“Uhm..” Giyuu looked around, unsure what it was. People were walking by them ceaselessly and Giyuu wanted to move somewhere without all of these people.

Someone stood behind Sanemi, looking to be talking to someone else. His body appeared slightly turned to the albino male, however, and Giyuu moved, looking behind Sanemi for any sort of clue.

The person there’s hand was resting on Sanemi’s waist and Giyuu glared at it. What the hell did this person think they were doing?

“Hey!” Giyuu snapped, moving Sanemi out of the way.

The person turned as they felt their arm resting on nothing. “Huh..?- Oh.” They blinked at Giyuu then quickly composed themself. “What is it?”

Giyuu’s eyes narrowed and he kept a gentle grip on Sanemi’s shoulders, meant to comfort him. “Why were you touching my boyfriend?” he hissed.

The person looked confused, though it was quite obviously an act, and said, “Who? What?”

Giyuu raised his hand in a motion to slap them but Sanemi tugged on his arm, wanting to leave. The raven sighed slapped the person quickly before ushering Sanemi away, out of the crowd.

Once they were out, Giyuu had Sanemi sit down on a bench.

“Are you alright? I’m sorry I didn’t notice.” 

Sanemi nodded blankly, looking pale but not as panicked as earlier, which was a relief. 

“Why… didn’t you just move?” Giyuu mumbled. It wasn’t very much like Sanemi to not do anything. He at least would’ve moved away, than just stay there.

“Fuck,” Sanemi whispered, glaring down at his hands. He blinked rapidly. “I’m sorry. I was… I spaced out. It’s stupid. Sorry.”

“What? I- Oh.” Giyuu’s voice faltered as he rememeber the other person that had… had had sex with Sanemi. “Oh. I’m sorry. I should’ve known. Do you want to go back home?”

Sanemi nodded meekly, not lifting his gaze to meet Giyuu’s. 

Giyuu helped him up and the two walked home in silence, both consumed in their thoughts. 

Back inside, Sanemi hid in their room and buried himself under the covers, seemingly ashamed of the whole ordeal. Giyuu stayed downstairs, not sure how to approach him with the subject, or even if to at all.

Eventually, Sanemi went back down and rested his chin on Giyuu’s head, his arms wrapped around the other’s shoulders.

“Hi, Sanemi,” Giyuu said, tilting his head up slightly.

“Hi.” 

They stayed like this for a little and Giyuu went back to his phone. Sanemi watched him and the room relapsed into silence for some time, neither wanting to speak. 

Then Sanemi said, “I know what you want to talk about. We’re going to pretend it never happened.”

Giyuu hummed in response, not sure what he was to say to that.

“It’s not like I died. I can handle it, Giyuu, I forgot myself then.” Sanemi paused. “Next time, kick them, though.”

“I hope there is no next time,” Giyuu said, sighing.

“Same. But, you know…” Sanemi trailed off. 

“Mhm.”

They glanced at each other, sharing a knowing sort of smile.

“Are you hungry?” Giyuu asked, pocketing his phone and moving to face Sanemi.

“Yes. Do we have anything?”

“I hope so. I don’t feel like going shopping. If not, we’ll order something.”

“Alright.” Sanemi shoved Giyuu playfully. “So? Why don’t you go make it?”

Giyuu huffed. “I’m not your… housewife!” he said. 

“Then be my househusband,” Sanemi laughed. 

Giyuu rolled his eyes, though he smiled. “You first.”

{Word count: 1976}

The stupid wheel said: Self harm, Phobias, Panic attack, Harrassment
It originally also said fire but I was unsure how to lace that through this, so I dropped it ;-;

If you or anyone you know is going through any of this please get help– None of this should be taken lightly. Neither romanticised, this is a ff nothing of this is consciously based off of anyone/anything i’ve seen/experienced 
Uh. Yes. (my mind went blank-)

Someone remind me why I wrote this again LMAO 😭😦

help