I woke up to a half-empty bed.
I can’t believe it…
I sat up and stared at the tangled sheets where Ruari slept. I could still smell his scent mixed with the night air but I couldn’t sense his presence anywhere near me.
The cabin was still and empty, devoid of him.
I tried to link my mind with his. Now that we’ve marked each other I should be able to channel my thoughts to his through the mating bond but there was nothing but silence.
He’s not there. I couldn’t feel him…
I rushed out of the cabin. My head darting from one end of the clearing to the other, my eyes quickly scanning the surrounding forest. Hoping for a glimpse, for any sign of him.
I touched the mark on my neck and felt it pulse beneath my fingers.
It was real. It wasn’t a dream. Ruari was here.
But where is he now? When did he go? Why did he leave?
Will you cut it out? Keiron clawed irritably at my insides. Relax and try to sense him properly. You won’t be able to link your thoughts with his if you’re so damned disoriented. There’s no point in panicking idiot!
I wanted to curse him for being unsympathetic but lashing out at Keiron wouldn’t solve anything and it sure as hell wouldn’t get me anywhere. Arguing with him wouldn’t help me find Ruari. Â
I breathed in deeply and closed my eyes to summon calm and patience.
Keiron is right. There’s no point in panicking. Ruari said we’d talk. He wouldn’t just leave without telling me, not without a reason.
I focused all my senses on the beating of my heart, on the pulse that throbs in tune with his. I inclined my head to one side when I heard a faint rustling sound coming from my right. My skin prickled when I took a blind step towards that direction. I sniffed the air and instantly caught Ruari’s scent.
I took off on a run. I wasn’t thinking about anything just following my instincts. I’ve never done this before, never ran blindly towards something or someone. But the more I ran the more confident I become. And the closer the I got the pull of the mating bond grew stronger.
I skidded to a halt by the familiar clearing that’s now known only to Ruari and myself.
“Ciaran?” Ruari called out from the middle of the pool.
I rushed in the water, not bothering to remove my pants, and within seconds I have him safely in my arms.
“Don’t disappear like that again!” I breathed out harshly, burying my face on the side of his neck, allowing his presence to calm me.
Ruari’s arms immediately locked around me. He understood.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d wake up before I come back.” He whispered running his fingers through my hair. “I woke up and I didn’t want to disturb you. I noticed the cabin was not far from here. I didn’t think I’d be gone that long.”
It’s not that big of a deal. Actually, this whole episode was just me overreacting. And I know I’m behaving like a crazed and needy person who sucks the happiness and life out of someone because of his insecurities but I still can’t believe Ruari’s wholly mine now so cut me some slack.
I just got him back. Ruari is now bearing my mark and once we’re done with the mating ritual nothing and no one would be able to separate us. And maybe then I’d be able to loosen up. Just right now, not having near me is scaring the shit out of me.
“It’s fine. I got a bit worried when I couldn’t sense you near me.” I murmured squeezing him tighter. “But next time please just wake me up, leave a note or something. Better yet, don’t leave without telling me.”
Ruari chuckled before pushing me back and splashing my front with cool, fresh water.
“What the hell!” I gasped, water dripping from my hair to my face and bare chest.
“You were so worried you didn’t even notice we’re linking for the first time,” he laughed splashing more water at me.
I growled and grabbed his wrists but Ruari just grinned wickedly at me.
Oh so it’s like that…
I smirked and pulled him forward. He lost his balance and landed ungracefully on my chest. I helped him get his footing before leaning forward to lick the water off the side of chin and jaw. This time, it was my turn to grin wickedly at him.
I ran my hands down his arms slowly. Ruari was gloriously naked and I regret not removing my clothes before going in the water. But hell, I’d take what I can. I grabbed his waist and drew him closer, sliding my hands on the side of body. Loving the way his slick skin feels beneath my questing fingers.
“Seriously, is there anything aside from sex in your brain when you’re near me?” Ruari frowned pushing at me.
“I can’t help it,” I groaned kissing his neck. “You’re too damn seductive and you’re lethal when you’re wet and playful.”
Ruari just sighed and shook his head.
“Fine. Come,” he said grabbing my hand and starting towards the bank. “Let’s dry off.”
I dug my heels and attempted to push my luck, “Do we have to?”
We were just getting to the good part and I really want to pick up where we left off earlier at the cabin. But I guess Ruari had another idea. He turned back at me, all traces of fun was gone from his face.
“We have to talk Ciaran,” he said reaching out to gently touch my cheek. “It’s time, don’t you think?”
I held his hand and kept it on my cheek when he tried to draw it back.
“I know, sorry I got sidetracked.” I kissed his palm and nuzzled his hand a minute longer before allowing him to lead me to dry land.
We sat side by side under a big tree after Ruari got dressed. Good thing he pulled a shirt on because I really wouldn’t be able to concentrate if I have to talk to him and he’s half naked.
We were quiet for a while. Just enjoying each other’s company and the tranquility of this special place. It’s really beautiful, even more so now that the moon is almost full. I can just imagine how it’d be like when the moon reach its peak. For sure everything around this place would look almost magical, ethereal. I almost envy Ruari for discovering and having this place all to himself for so long. I wonder if he’d be willing to do the mating ritual here…
“I didn’t tell you Jean was girl because you pissed me off.” Ruari started, successfully diverting my straying thoughts back to the matter at hand. “I would have told you the truth if you’d asked me nicely, like any normal person would. Then I realized it was unfair of me to expect that from you. You learned about Jean on a very unusual circumstance. And anyone would have jumped to the same conclusion as you did after hearing me say I love her.”
“Lorcan did say something about how you were punishing me,” I grumbled.
I know I deserved it but did he really have to go as far as to let me think he’s in love with someone else?
“You did spy on me Ciaran. You may not have done it knowingly at first but you still did it. And you don’t know how disappointed and hurt I was because of it. I thought its only fair to make you suffer a little.”
“A little?” I scoffed. “You think I suffered just a little from that stunt you pulled?”
“No, I guess not.” He sighed rubbing the back of his neck. “Maybe I went a bit overboard…” I raised a brow at him and he finally gave in, “Alright. A lot overboard. Anyway, I’m sorry for keeping the truth about Jean from you. If it’s any consolation, I felt bad for misleading you and Rothe was mad at me for most part of it.”
I stared at him for some time before turning my head away. Â
“I didn’t mean to spy on you. It was never my intention to listen in on your conversation with Jean but when I started I couldn’t stop.” I confessed. “I want you to know that I do trust you. It’s just sometimes, well, it gets hard. But I’m learning as I go so bear with me a little okay?”
Contrary to public knowledge I’m not a conscienceless and heartless bastard. I try to be fair with my all my dealings with other people and in governing the pack. But I was raised on certain values and was taught that bowing down is never an option for an alpha.
It’s hard for me to ask for forgiveness, to admit that I made a mistake or made a bad call of judgment. When you’re an alpha one mistake could spell ruin for the whole pack. And after my epic failure that resulted with my mate running away from me, I learned not to be complacent, too emotional or bias. I strived not to misjudge or miscalculate situations. In other words, I avoided making mistakes.
Then again, when it comes to Ruari all my sense and reason goes flying out the window. I can deal with all the troubles of the pack with a cool and level head. But put me on a compromising position with Ruari and I’d probably cut myself into ribbons before I find a decent solution.
“London,” Ruari said out of the blue.
“Huh?” I asked a bit lost.
“That’s where I’ve been for the past five years.” He said plucking a small flower from the ground and twirling it between his fingers. “I traveled around Europe with Jean for holidays and vacations but most of the time I stayed in London.”
So he wasn’t just on another country, he was on another freaking continent!
We guessed as much and it became more difficult to pin point his location after he crossed international borders. I could have contacted other packs to help us search for him abroad but I didn’t want to take a chance with his safety. When it comes to Ruari I could only trust my pack. Not to mention his benefactor. Whoever he is he made it more difficult for us to track Ruari down.
“Jasper Gale, he’s the one who helped me move to London. He’s a procurer. The night I left Moonscape Mirabelle told me to find Jasper and when I did he arranged everything for me.” He said. “He’s Jean’s father by the way. That’s how I met her.”
And how she easily found out about Ruari’s background…
I wonder if Ruari knows that Jean and her father have been digging on his past and his family. Truthfully, I was tempted to tell Lorcan to start a private investigation but at the last moment, I opted not to.
It really doesn’t matter who his family is. Yes, it would probably help me if I knew who they are but I don’t want to overstep some boundaries again. I’d only search for them if Ruari tells me it’s okay or if he’s interested in finding them for himself. Other than that I think it’s best to leave the matter alone for now. As Jean said they’d come for him, I just have to be ready when they do.
“At first she hated me. Jean thought I was her father’s illegitimate child, the reason why her parents separated years ago.” Ruari continued.
He was smiling fondly at some memory and a sudden shot of pain jolted me. I missed a lot of his life these past five years. I intend to ask him about every little thing he did while he was away but I know all I’ll have now are just stories, memories he made with other people that he could have made with me if things started between us differently. I’m selfish, we already established that, but I guess I’m still lucky to have him back. Not everyone is gifted with a second chance.
“But as Jean got to know me better she sort of started to wish I was really her illegitimate sibling. She became quite attached to me.”
An image of the petite firecracker sitting on top of Bran, screaming threats left and right, flashed in my mind. Followed by the memory of the swift punch she dealt Lorcan for being the beta of the pack that hurt her friend. But what struck me most was the look in her blazing eyes as they bore through me while she castigates me for making Ruari cry.
‘Attached’ wouldn’t be the word I’d use to describe how Jean feels towards Ruari.
“She’s very protective of you.” I said.
It was understatement but any more would probably be a sarcastic over kill on my part. I do understand who and what they are to each other. I’m still not comfortable with the public display of affection but I guess I’d have to learn to live with those if I want to stay with Ruari since I know Jean would be a constant in his life.
Ruari eyed me for a moment before sighing, “Jean told you didn’t she? About what happened to me while I was away.”
I froze but there’s no use denying the truth. We’d have to talk about it, eventually. Why not start now? As Ruari said earlier, it’s time.
“It sort of came up…” I answered.
Ruari shifted closer to me and took my hand in his.
“I don’t know how much Jean told you but from your reaction I can imagine how you’re feeling.” He squeezed my hand gently. “Ciaran, I want you to know that it’s not your fault. If anything it’s mine. I was the one who chose to run away from you. I was the one who left.”
My head snapped back at him. I was shocked and what he said rocked me to the core. I know this is no time for pointing fingers but how could he say it’s not my fault? Every shitty thing that’s ever happened between us started because of me. Ruari just sort of reacted to all my bullshit.
“I knew it would be hard and I thought I could take it but I wasn’t strong enough.” He said. “I was weak-willed and if it weren’t for Jean I don’t know how I’d keep myself sane. I regret leaving. I should have stayed but I thought I was cruelly rejected. Back then I didn’t think I could face you again. I didn’t think I’d survive staying near you and seeing you every day. I didn’t realize until it was too late that being away from you would be harder.”
I can’t believe I’m hearing this from him! How could he be so blind? So self-deprecating?
“Stop it!” I cut him off. “Just stop…”
We’re equally to blame. Me for being a prideful, unthinking and apathetic bastard and him for giving up easily and for running away.
I grabbed the back of his neck and slammed our lips together. Ruari was caught a bit off guard but immediately gave in when I demanded entry to his mouth. I sucked ruthlessly on his tongue as I plundered his pliant lips. I know I was bruising both our lips but I don’t care at the moment and Ruari doesn’t seem to mind either.
“I almost lost you and you were so far from me Ruari!” I breathed out harshly. Desperately. “We were both wrong. But I can’t forgive you for leaving and almost dying as much as I can’t forgive myself for driving you to do that.”
Ruari cupped my face in between his hands and touched his forehead to mine.
“I’m sorry Ciaran,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry…”
We both have faults. We hurt each other for years because we got scared. We were young. It’s no excuse but there it is. That’s all there is it to it. We made a mistake and by god we’re going to fix it!
We’re going to rebuild our broken relationship from the ground up. There’d more problems in the future, I’m sure, but we something we didn’t have before. A strong foundation.
“We’ll start over,” I whispered back. “This time we have to make damn sure we’d do it right.”
If we have each other there’s nothing we can’t overcome. I believe in Ruari. I believe in us.
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