Ciaran and I avoided each other like the plague.
Jean took up residence on the attic apartments with Cale and I. I don’t know where Ciaran is staying but I’m too irritated at him to care. I haven’t left the attic since our latest argument and have been isolating myself from everyone in the pack.
I don’t know how she managed it but Jean successfully conned me into using Ciaran’s room. Cale and I have been sleeping there while Jean sleeps on mine. We had to rearrange everything in my room and move some of the furniture to Ciaran’s room to set up the equipment I asked her to bring.
It really pays off to have a father who could get his hands on almost anything. All the technology and equipment Jasper sent us is top of the line and with Jean’s skills we’re getting closer to uncovering the collector behind the raids.
We’ve been working tirelessly for three days since her arrival. Prior and Lorcan have been coming by to take Cale and Jean out every afternoon and Bran have been doing what I advised and stayed clear of Jean for the time being.
“The full moon is coming,” Jean said out of blue while we were having breakfast.
I wiped off Cale’s chin and just raised a brow in question.
“You’re looking paler than usual,” she sniped. “I spied Ciaran yesterday and he’s not looking too hot himself.”
I clenched my jaw at the mention of Ciaran but decided to ignore the barb. It’s obvious that she’s trying to get me to talk about him, about what happened the morning of her arrival. But I’m not going to tell her about that any time soon since I’m still having problems coping with it.
“Prior is taking me and Cale to the mall today. I think the other guy, the one I beat up the other day, is coming as well.” She said. “Do you want to come? You do need some sun and fresh air once in a while you know.”
I shook my head, no, and decided this is a good time to talk to her about Bran.
Jean had been with me long enough to realize that Bran reacted the way he did because he couldn’t help himself. And with full moon coming it’s best to know now what she intends to do with him so we could take the necessary precautions.
“Jean about Bran,” I started and she stiffened right away. “We have to talk to talk about him sweetheart.”
“I know but does it have to be now?” She groaned and crossed her arms across her chest, pointedly looking away from me.
“You’re his mate Jean and as you happily reminded me, the full moon is coming. Bran just found you and he’d be very territorial. The call of moon would be too much for him to handle with you around. If you don’t want to be marked I think it’s best if you stay away from the pack house for a few days. Being around him right now is too much of a risk.”
“Can’t I just lock myself up in a room like you do?”
I shook my head sadly. Jean knows that I do more than just lock myself in a room. She’d never approved of my methods. To her, chaining my self during the full moon so I won’t seek out another wolf to stave the craving of my body was unnecessary torture. She keeps telling me that there’s no point in saving myself for someone who didn’t want me in the first place. It was brutal but it was the truth.
Jean never understood my reasons or maybe I didn’t know how to explain myself well enough. But it felt wrong. The thought of having someone hold or touch me intimately other than Ciaran is awful if not downright repulsive. If it’s not him then there’s no point on doing it.
Mating has always been sacred to me. I didn’t have much growing up and I always thought that the only thing I could offer my mate was my self, my whole being. It doesn’t matter if Ciaran never wanted what I could offer him the fact remains that I’m for him and him alone. And no matter what happens between us that wouldn’t change.
“I’m sorry sweetheart but a locked door would not stop your mate from seeking you out, not this time.” I said honestly. Unless Bran agrees to be chained and locked in the cells for the full moon nothing would hold him off aside from a shot of silver in his system and that could very well kill him. “I wouldn’t be much help in keeping him away since I’d have my own urges to deal with.”
It’s been five years since I found out Ciaran is my mate. I may have more restraint and have enough experience in curbing my desires but this would be the first time I’d be experiencing the full moon with him in the general vicinity. I’ve been away from him during the past full moons but I seriously don’t know what would happen now that we’re in close proximity of each other.
With the moon at its peak, it’s hard for werewolves to ignore its call. Mated wolves have it rough because we seek out our mates, our other halves, and no one would be able to satisfy the craving but them. Sometimes the impulse is too great it becomes unbearably painful. That’s is the reason why some wolves choose to slake their appetites with another when they can’t have their mate.
Bran would have a very tough time resisting the urge to be with Jean and I don’t want Jean to be trapped in a situation she’s not sure of out of sheer bullheadedness. If she’s uncertain of Bran it’s best to keep away from each other for now.
“Fine,” she sighed. “But what would you do?”
“I’d think of something,” I answered and this time it was me who purposely looked away from her.
I could already feel the pull but I don’t have to tell her that. Jean’s like a dog when it comes to these things. She could be very insistent and she wouldn’t give in until I relent.
A heavy weight settled on my chest and I couldn’t shake off the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
What had Ciaran been doing during the past full moons? He had relationships and affairs before. With his status, good looks and rocking body women flock to him like annoying little flies. I’ve heard stories of his conquests before but they didn’t bother me until I found out he’s my mate.
I’ve been gone for five years. There have been dozens of full moons during those long years. Even if I saved myself for him, I can’t expect Ciaran to do the same. And I know well enough how hard and how painful it is to go against your primal instinct. It’s not something that anyone would be able to do or would be willing to do.
“Ruari?” Jean said rounding the table and putting a hand over my shoulder.
I guess some of my thoughts were showing on my face.
“It’s fine,” I choked out swallowing the lump in my throat. “I’m alright.”
Jean wanted to talk more but Prior came in and asked if they were ready to go. Jean wanted to cancel the outing but to be completely truthful I wanted to be alone for a while. She’s too much of a distraction and right now I need her away from me for a few hours.
After a few minutes of fussing and arguing, I managed to push them out of the door, bid them a good day, and then they were gone.
I looked around the empty space before me and sighed. I can’t wallow on self-pity and misery forever. I was about to lose myself in the computer screens and files about the raids waiting in my room when someone knocked on the door.
“Jean, for god’s sake, I’d be fine on my own for a few hours! You can…” the rest of my tirade was cut off when I saw who was standing by the doorway. “Sorry, I thought you were Jean.”
“It’s okay,” Lorcan answered. “I saw Prior dragging her away with Cale. I’m guessing she didn’t want to leave?”
“She worries too much,” I explained, motioning for him to follow me. “But that’s just Jean’s way of taking care of me.”
I stepped inside my room and sat by the computers. I was browsing through the files when I noticed Lorcan hesitating by the door.
“Is there something wrong?” I asked genuinely curious.
“Ah, well… Ciaran forbade everyone to step foot in your room unless it’s absolutely necessary.” He said looking flushed. “Especially the unmated ones…” He coughed the rest of his sentenced and looked away from me.
Of course, only Ciaran would think of a ridiculous restriction like that. Treating me like I’m a female that has to be protected at all times. It’s not like anyone would do anything to me and I’m not feeble that I wouldn’t be able to defend myself if anyone dares to try but sure, whatever.
“It’s fine you can come in,” I murmured irritably. “It’s not like he cares about that now anyway.”
I turned away when I saw the indecision in his face and continued to browse through the files before me. It’s his choice anyway. But when I heard him shuffle inside the room, I breathed a sigh of relief. It would have been awkward if he refused to enter and I’d have to go out of the room just to talk to him.
“You seem to have some misconception,” he said after a while.
“About what?”
“About Ciaran’s feelings and what you mean to him.”
My back immediately stiffened and I could hear my pulse pounding behind my ears.
“Whatever is happening between Ciaran and I, I don’t think it’s any of your business.” I gritted out.
“I know I’m overstepping but I can’t just sit and do nothing.” He said. “I don’t think you realize how much you’re hurting him.”
I snorted at that.
Me? Hurt Ciaran? That has to be the biggest joke I’ve heard for some time and it’s not even funny. You have to have influence and power over people to be able to hurt them. And not only do I not have that, Ciaran doesn’t care about me at all. It’s ridiculous to even think that I have the capacity to injure him, in any way, other than making him physically bleed.
“He banished them you know.” Lorcan said.
“What?”
“The people who hurt you, Gideon and his friends, Ciaran banished them from the pack.”
No, that’s not possible. Gideon Loch was a high-ranking wolf on Moonscape. He was due to become a pack warrior and so are his friends. I wasn’t anyone back then and my beating wouldn’t even be a ground for punishment. As alpha Ciaran could reprimand them for hurting me, a member of his pack without provocation, but he wouldn’t have enough grounds to actually banish them, their families would have contested such decision.
When I heard about Gideon’s name associated with raids I thought he did something to get banished from the pack or he merely strayed on his own accord. It never occurred to me that Ciaran would actually do something like cutting off high-ranking members of his own pack for me.
“You were unconscious that time so you probably didn’t know but when Ciaran heard of the beating he went on a rampage. He let his wolf free and he injured most of the warriors who tried to stop him. It took the former alpha and a couple of others to keep him from killing the ones who treated you badly.”
I felt the papers on my hands drop on the floor as my fingers start to grow numb. No! He’s lying. He has to be because Ciaran wouldn’t do something like that, not for me.
“They couldn’t fully subdue him and his wolf was too blinded by rage to care who he was hurting. But when Mirabelle came in with you on her back he immediately quieted down.”
“No!” I snarled grabbing him by the neck and slamming him hard on the wall.
I could feel my whole body was shake. It’s too much. Why would he say such things when we both know it’s not true?
“Why are you doing this? Did he ask you to lie to me? Tell me!”
“He took you to your old room and wouldn’t let anyone come near you aside from Mirabelle,” he continued as I gave him another shove.
“Shut up!” I growled angrily.
I wanted him to stop.
I need him to stop.
I don’t want to hear any more.
I don’t want to know.
“He sat outside your room listening to you cry. I’ve never seen him so helpless, so broken. I was so angry at myself because I couldn’t do anything for him. He was my friend, my alpha, and all I could do was watch as he tortured himself over something he couldn’t control.”
My hands slackened their hold on Lorcan and I slumped, boneless, against him.
“Stop,” I breathed out tiredly, tears flowing freely down my cheeks as I feel Rothe whimper and howl painfully inside me.
“The council wanted him to give you up. But he told them he would have no one but you by his side, that if anyone has a problem with you being his mate they are free to leave the pack. He was willing to forsake his legacy, to give everything up if that’s what it takes to keep you. And the night you disappeared, we were all afraid he would lose his mind.”
My legs buckled from under me and Lorcan gently sat me down on the floor.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t tell you the truth to hurt you. I just hoped it would open your mind a little. That maybe after hearing what happened that night you’d be willing to give him a chance to prove himself to you.”
I looked at him and tried hard to negate everything he just said. But I already know, deep down, Lorcan has no cause to lie to me, not about this. And Ciaran would never stoop so low.
“I…” I don’t know what to say.
If what Lorcan told me was the truth, then what have I been doing these past five years?
If Ciaran really did choose to be with me then all these years I’ve been doing nothing but running away from him. Everything that I thought I knew, everything that I believed in all these years were nothing but misconceptions that would have been solved if I had stayed one more day or didn’t think of leaving at all.
If all this is true then I haven’t been rejected. If anything, it appears as if I am the one who’s been rejecting Ciaran…
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