Sugar Baby Âœ”ϸ eleventh: belong*

I think certain lyrics from here fit perfectly!

I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

I woke up to my phone ringing and picked it up without seeing the contact name. I croaked out, “Hello?”

“Xavier,” Harold’s voice spoke, “are you home?”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

I felt annoyed. “Because I cannot be with her every second of each day.”

Harold was quiet before he spoke again, “Did she invite you yet?”

“No.” I turned and buried my face in the pillow so my voice was muffled.

“Xavier, it’s tomorrow. You need to secure an invite-“

“I know.”

“It is absolutely essential. This is a golden opportunity to get to Reznick. We cannot-“

“Okay.”

I hung up the phone and sighed deeply. The assignment had just started and I was already exhausted. I sat up on my bed. The bright sun rays streaming into the room told me that it was afternoon. I gazed at the time and saw that it was quarter past noon.

There had to be something that would make sure I would be Rosalie’s plus one. Although she didn’t have any lovers or boyfriends as of yet, she might still choose to go with her friends. I had to make sure that she would choose me.

I unlocked my phone and started searching for songs. It had to be subtle. Just a little flirty text should do the trick. I didn’t want to come off too strong or desperate.

From my research, I knew that Rosalie was deeply into music. A specific kind of music. Classical. She also seemed to have a thing for vintage songs. Over the last few years, there were several times that she went to concerts where newer artists sang old songs. She seemed to have a particular weakness for traditional pop.

I took a deep breath. It had to be an intelligent guess. I searched Frank Sinatra and after going through a number of songs, decided to send her ‘Strangers In The Night.’

Mason: This song reminded me of you…

I took a deep breath and pressed ‘send’. This would have to do. If it didn’t, I would have to come up with something else. Something much more desperate perhaps. And less cheesy.

I gazed at the time and remembered that Scarlett was probably in her exam right now. From the several instruments and posters in her room, I could tell that she was into a lot of pop music. I searched up a song, ‘Imagination, Shawn Mendes.’

A part of me wondered if I was being too forward with her, but it was too late to think anyway. I had a feeling that friendship with Scarlett was going to be really vital in this scenario. Or even flirting, which was a much faster and efficient way.

I decided to go to the gym, burn off some steam and hopefully distract my mind for a while. I returned after a couple of hours, and the moment I entered my apartment, Annalise ambushed me.

“Harber,” she said, and I noticed she had a package in her hand. “This came for you.”

I removed my earphones and took the package from her. I gazed at the name, ‘Rosalie Atkinson.’

I guessed she had sent the package to Mason’s house. The department had rented a single room apartment on the far west, so the chances of her leaving her busy day and coming to see me were less. They were also weirdly intent on making sure that I gave her the fake address. I vaguely entertained myself with the idea of Black taking the parcel from the fake address on a cycle and up to my real one.

“Since when is the Rosalie Atkinson sending you stuff?” she asked in disbelief as she shook her head. “Are you her sugar baby or something?”

I smirked, “She’s not the only Rosalie Atkinson, Annalise,” I rolled my eyes and pretended to be exasperated. I felt the package in my hands and wondered what it could be. It was soft and light. Like clothes.

She scowled. “That’s it. I’ll start wearing makeup.”

I held the package securely in my hand and put my earphones back in my ears. I shrugged and started walking towards the staircase. “If you think that’ll help.”

She gasped, “Why the hell are you so mean to me, Harber? What did I even do to you?”

I rolled my eyes and sighed, turning around to look at her. She had her arms crossed in front of her chest and was glaring at me angrily. In all honesty, I wasn’t exactly sweet to her. Or anyone that I didn’t need. It was a waste. I couldn’t afford to forge relationships. It was always better to keep everyone at a distance. With her, however, I was simply jealous that she had seemed to capture Grayson’s attention in a way that I could only dream about. I was simply being bitter and I knew it was unfair to her.

But that realization wasn’t going to stop me.

I walked closer to her. “To be honest, I don’t really know.”

She shook her head, her cheeks flaming. “You know if you really like me you could just ask me out. I might even say yes. Instead of being so damn obnoxious.”

I stopped in my tracks and blinked. I resisted the urge to laugh and instead gave her a flirty smile. “You got me, Anne,” I spoke softly, moving closer to her so I was towering over her. She gazed up at me, trying to feign confidence by crossing her arms in front of her chest, but I could see her quivering bottom lip and eyes that were a little too wide. She was clearly nervous. 

“It’s just…so damn hard…” I leaned toward her and breathed deeply, “to be around you and not-“

She gazed at me, her chest rising and falling rapidly. And then I realized. Another way of making sure that Grayson stayed away from her, was to make her disinterested in him. Without a second thought, I leaned forwards and kissed her.

Part of me had been sure that she would push me away. However, she froze for a second before reacting with fervour. She tasted like coffee, something I didn’t really mind.

I pulled back after a while, smiling softly. Her eyes were wide, her mouth slightly open as she gawked before spluttering, “You’re a really good kisser.”

I smirked, “Not usually. But…” I placed my hand on her chin and stroked her lower lip with my thumb as I whispered, “with you…”

She gulped, her eyes shining. I leaned forward and kissed her cheek softly before leaning back. “I’ll see you around, Annalise,” I said, shooting her a slight wink. One that would make her wonder.

I walked up the staircase, feeling her eyes burn into my back. I could almost hear the gears in her brain clicking.

Worked like a charm.

I knew it was enough to keep her wondering. I just hoped I had done enough to keep her off Grayson. Not that he would go for me instead. But as long as I didn’t have to physically see him slobbering over someone else, I hoped I would be fine. 

I sighed deeply as I reached my apartment. My heart raced nervously as I opened the package and the ivory of it came into view. It was a tuxedo. A white one. There was a sheet of paper on it with words in elegant handwriting scribbled on it.

‘Make yourself free tomorrow night. Get to my place at six in the evening.’

I sighed in relief. She had decided to take me along for the yacht party. I was slightly offended that she hadn’t checked with me first to see if I was free. She was clearly entitled. Or maybe this was her way to be insistent. Either way, I was happy that I had got so far.

I placed the tux neatly on my bed and went to take a shower. After I was done, I called Harold to tell him about the developments. Usually, I would have called Grayson. But I wasn’t sure it would be healthy for me.

I was debating if I should make lunch and went to stand listlessly in front of the refrigerator when there was a knock on the door and I started. I wondered if it could be Annalise and groaned softly. “Who is it?”

“Grayson.”

My heart leapt to my throat. I quickly pulled on a t-shirt after debating whether I should remain shirtless. I decided it would look too desperate. Which I was, but didn’t want to look so.

I opened the door and saw Grayson Shelby looking ravishing. He wasn’t in his uniform. He wore a simple black shirt that made me want to do things to him. I made a conscious effort to not breathe, afraid his scent would finally unhinge me into complete insanity.

He smiled softly, his smile that set my nerves on fire and my stomach practice gymnastics for the Olympics. “Good going on the case. Black just told me.”

I nodded and shrugged. “Best in the business, remember?” I crossed my arms in front of my chest and leaned sideways, gazing at him curiously. I was nervous about the way I had left things the last time, but I didn’t want it to show. “How come you’re here?”

I wondered if he was there for me. To see if I was okay. Or maybe just because he missed me. His cheeks flushed slightly as he spoke. “I’m off for an hour for lunch,” he said sheepishly. “Annalise and I were just going to grab a bite.”

Envy and anger were two invincible fiends engaged in combat in my tortured heart. Each battling for domination. Each breaking me slowly. I answered in a detached voice, “Oh. That’s great.”

“If you’re free you should come with us,” he said.

Was this some kind of a twisted play? Was he honestly so clueless about my feelings for him? Or was he really that cruel?

I stared at him and scoffed. “Sure. Maybe I should take some popcorn so I can watch you guys play tonsil badminton.”

His eyes widened and he shook his head. “It’s just lunch, Xavier. We’re not going to make out.”

“I don’t care.” I snapped angrily. I bit my tongue as soon as I said it. Realising, there was no reason why I should care anyway. “You guys should just fuck each other and get it over with.”

I started to shut the door on his face, knowing I might have gone too far. But I didn’t dare look at him. He placed a hand firmly on the door and swung it open, stepping inside and shutting the door behind him. He glared at me, his eyes narrowed in question. “What the fuck is your problem?”

“My problem is that you’re bursting into my own god damn apartment, Shelby. Get the hell out of here.” I balled my fists and struggled to keep myself from yelling. But the invisible pain seemed to be mounting each second and I didn’t know how long I could go on. 

He stared at me, his eyes dark, his jaw set. “No.”

I blinked, anger unfurling in a raging inferno. Rage stemming from deeper feelings I usually ran away from. “What the fuck do you mean, no? This is my damn apartment. Get the fuck out.” I unlocked the door and tried to pull it open. He held it in place effortlessly. Staring at me. I put all my strength but he didn’t budge. And somehow, I lost it.

“What the fuck is your damn problem you fucking moron?“

I pulled against the door with anger, desperation and something else I didn’t have a name for. I couldn’t understand where all my anger was coming from. I knew I hated to see Grayson with anyone else. But over the years I had told myself I had got used to it. Somehow, this was different. Like this time around, I wanted him to see me as something more than S.B Harber. I wanted him to see me as Xavier. Just me.

I kicked at the door, growling in frustration. I couldn’t rationalize. I never knew my heart was capable of feeling with such intensity. I had been afraid of it. Tried to strangle it for so long. I had underestimated my feelings for him. Or maybe denied them fervently.

I pulled harder as he held the door in place, his eyes fixed on me. His face expressionless. 

“Get the fuck off!” I placed my hand on the doorknob, pulling with everything I had. “I hate you, Grayson Shelby. Why can’t you just fucking leave me the fuck alone?”

Liar.

I was a filthy liar. I didn’t hate Grayson. I hated that he wasn’t mine. I hated the way he made me so vulnerable. Hated the way he made me yearn. Hated the way he made me want to give him every fucking thing. Hated how badly I wanted to hear his laugh. Hated how desperately I wanted to be the reason for it. The hope and yearning for him were exhausting me. 

I kicked and flailed in delirious anger as Grayson’s strong arms wrapped around me and he pulled me around, pushing me against the door and forcing me to look at him.

“Xavier,” he spoke quietly. I froze, staring at him. My heart hammering. My stomach clenched in nervous knots at his proximity. He was warm. Firm. And for the first time, I felt safe. “What the hell is wrong with you? Tell me?”

He held me close. Securely. Protectively.

I gazed into his intoxicating green eyes. His dark hair tumbling onto his forehead. His lashes. His lips.

Desire coursed through me. A hunger unlike anything I had ever felt. I couldn’t picture him with Annalise. I didn’t want him to laugh at her jokes. To smile at her. To even look at her. Or anyone.

When had I become so toxic? I felt like a terrible person for feeling such strong emotions. I had no right over Grayson Shelby. I had grown up with virtually nothing. I hadn’t ever related to the concept of ‘belongingness.’

For the first time in my life, I wished for him to belong to me. Just me. Exclusively.

I took a shuddering breath, all my courage going into speaking the next words.

“Kiss me.”

His eyes were unreadable when I spoke. I wasn’t planning, wasn’t thinking as I repeated breathlessly, pleading. “Kiss me, Grayson.”

Something resolved in his eyes and he leaned forwards, his lips meeting mine in a searing kiss.

Fire burst in the pit of my stomach at his action. I knotted my fingers in his soft hair, pulling him closer. I kissed him eagerly. Hungrily. My heart hammered in my chest, threatening to escape. His hands travelled to my waist and he pulled me closer. I had been terrified that he would push me away. But was now even more terrified that he hadn’t.

I gasped softly against his mouth, drunk on his manly taste. His seductive, musky scent. His soft, hot, eager lips. A feeling unlike anything I had ever experienced blossomed in my chest. We staggered towards the bed, still locked in a passionate embrace.

I pushed him down gently on the mattress, climbing on top of him and straddling him. My nerves on fire. I was burning with need. Want. An all-consuming catatonic blaze ripping through me. I pulled at his hair, losing my senses.

Our tongues entangled together hotly. I moaned, sucking his bottom lip. I was drunk on him. I never wanted him to stop. His hand reached my waist, holding me firmly. I wanted to dissolve against him. Lose myself in him. Give in to the insatiable need.

He pulled me in closer, his hands stroking my back, his mouth moving against mine with equal fervour. I moaned softly against his mouth as his hands slipped into my tshirt. The naked contact electrifying. I slid lower down his body. My breath almost ceased when I felt him rub against me.

He was hard. So fucking hard.

Flames ravaged each nerve and sinew. I kissed him, uninhibited. His hands gripping me tight. I moaned softly into his mouth, “You’re hard.”

“So are you,” he whispered back hoarsely.

I let my tongue wade into his mouth. Exploring it eagerly. His hands holding me in place. My desire rooting me in mine.

More. I wanted more. I needed more.

His lips froze as there was a loud ring. I could feel his phone vibrating in his pocket. I moved so he could reach for it. Disappointment burnt in my stomach. The exquisite cinders of desire that had come tantalisingly close to catching fire. I had wanted to burn, but somehow couldn’t. And it was infernal torture. 

My ears rang from the passionate outburst as he quickly picked up the phone and put it to his ear, but not before I saw the contact name. Annalise.

I rolled off him and lay beside him, turning so my back was to him and I was facing the wall. My heart hammered so loud I could hear it in my ears. I placed a hand on my chest, trying to calm my erratic breathing.

He spoke softly into the phone, “Yeah. I’ll be right there.”

He hung up and a solid, impenetrable silence fell. I knew the kiss hadn’t meant anything to him. He was still going to go on a date with Annalise. Anger. Envy. Writhing in my insides like a venomous serpent.

But why had his body reacted the way that it had?

I felt an overwhelming sadness engulfing me and fought hard to keep it at bay as he rose to his feet. My bed was already colder. I had never had anyone there. I had never wanted to have anyone there either. Except him.

I shut my eyes tightly. Maybe I should never have kissed him. He should never have responded. It was wrong. Doomed to fail.

But if it was wrong, why had it felt so fucking right?

I had been with a slew of people over the last many years. No one had ever made me feel like Grayson did. Just meaningless sex. No real affection. Just a racking sense of guilt I had gradually learnt to live with. 

I turned around, placing my face on the pillow so I was lying flat on my stomach. I shut my eyes tighter, waiting for my breathing to ease.

“Good luck for the yacht thing,” he said, his voice hard. I didn’t respond and heard the door shut after a while. I sighed and touched my lips with my fingertips. Reliving the feel of his mouth. His hot breath. His firm, strong hold. His touch set me on fire. I had never been kissed like this.

I imagined him underneath me. How hard he had been. My mind wandered. I imagined where it could have gone if she hadn’t called. How it would feel to have my lips clasped around where I knew he needed me the most. I wanted to taste him. I was starving for his taste. All of him. A tangible pain stemming from my desire tormented me. I imagined looking up at him as he unravelled in my mouth. I imagined his hot, hot member spurting on my tongue. Tasting him at the back of my throat. Filthy, vile thoughts swirling in my head.

I gasped softly. I needed his touch like a drug. I clutched the bedsheets hard. I was needy. Squirming uneasily. Would he touch himself thinking of me? Would he shatter, reliving our kiss?

What would he taste like?

Like a sin. A dark forbidden sin I ached to commit.

Like a dream. A dream I never wanted to wake up from.

I shifted uncomfortably. Groaning. Just a kiss and he had left me rock hard. But so was he. The dreaded hope started kindling in my chest.

He hadn’t seemed repulsed by me. He had kissed me back, eagerly. Even though I had expected him to push me away. Belittle me. Ridicule my feelings.

But that was Grayson Shelby. He always treated me like a person.

I buried my face in the pillow and groaned in frustration. I was falling for him, while at the same time going out every night to sleep with another woman. It was fucked up.

He hadn’t pushed me away. He had pulled me closer. And my heart was starting to yearn. It was dangerous.

I lay still for a long time, my heart hopeful. A bright flame slowly burning in my chest. It was warm, but I was afraid it would scald me.

My body still tingled from Grayson’s touch. I had busted rackets and dug out scandals of millions. Rivalled with many people who were much more powerful than I was. Been shot twice. Almost got stabbed once. I had been terrified during those times as well.

But somehow, this was a different sort of horror. One that wasn’t going to kill me. It was going to devastate me mentally. Grayson was going to burn me into ashes of my own fiery feelings.

And all I wanted, was to let him.