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“Wake up bitch.” I wrestled with Zainab for the blankets but lost to the sheer amount of strength she seemed to be hiding. Zainab and Zara stood impatiently by edge of my bed, the time on my nightstand read 12am. “No it’s Saturday i wanna sleep in. I grumbled and went for the blankets before they snatched it from me again. “We get it you’re depressed blah blah blah but get the fuck up we have places to be. I frowned at that, “I’m not depressed over alyss” Zara’s eyebrow quirked up, a slight smirk made its way to her lips, “who in this room said we were talking about alystair?”
I showered and changed into comfortable before grabbing my wallet and dorm keys. “You guys are insufferable.” I exclaimed as i opened the door for them, i was icking to shut it on them. I scoffed when Zora turned around and winked at my words. We were on our way to the usual bakery we eat at and I can’t say that I don’t appreciate them for forcing me to tag along.
“Man i can already smell the seven meals I’m going to completely devour.” Zainab stretched her hands out at the aroma of the food in the bakery. It wasn’t really packed today save for the freshman from school. We took our usual seat at the back. “Hey what can i get for you?” One of the waitresses asked us after a few minutes of mindless conversing. “Can i get a breakfast sandwich.” I ordered. “Us too.” Zora and Zainab copied my order.
“Now,” i raised my eyebrow when Zainab leaned forward and took the position of a detective, “I don’t usually defend the guy butttt…” she put her hands up in surrender. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Alystair so gloomy he doesn’t show it but he’s shut everyone out.” I Looked over to Zora for clarification and spotted tears welling in her eyes. I never wanted to see her cry, or Zainab. The guilt clawed an answer out of me. “He did something I’ve never allowed anyone to do.” I cleared my throat at the mere thought of it. “I’m sorry about how our friendship turned out.” I said specifically to Zora, she felt so deeply for her brother it was as good as hurting her. Deep down i knew I was wrong, the way i handled things i was wrong. In the end Alystair was right, I ran away.
“You have to speak to him promise me. Please.” Zora pleaded, begged me for something that was near impossible. What we did that night, what Alystair did that night cannot be reversed. It’s not something i can just forget. No one but him knows about it, not even my parents. Who does he think he is? A God maybe, but not one I serve. “Zora,” i sighed. She straightened up and spoke in a tone i have never heard from her before, “if you value me as your friend you will do it.” An altimatum. My scoff turned into hysterical laugh. I couldn’t believe it . Here i thought i escaped Alystair only to be thrown into his orbit again. I left the bakery in anger after Zora threw that at me.
I tossed and turned in my bed. The clock read 11:30pm. The dormitory was quiet except for my breathing that wouldn’t stop. In the night irrational decisions were made. My brain wouldn’t shut off. Guilt clawed at my mind and latched itself onto my skin. I walked a floor above. Alystair’s door blatantly mocked me.
It took everything out of me to stay there. The nagging in my mind begged me to go back to my room. I banged on his door. I hoped he wouldn’t open.
The door swung open to a sight I don’t think i ever want to see again. He looked broken. His eye bags shone prominently in the dead of the night and his shirt was torn at the hem of it. “Alystair.” I whispered. Forgive me. The emotionless glare took up his features so sadly. But i know better than that. I pushed him forward and closed the door behind us. “Get out.” The blank abyss behind his words made me rethink my coming here. I ignored him and did the one thing i promised myself i’d never do.
I pushed him up against the wall and he sighed in anger and dejection. I took off my shirt. His eyes widened and i gulped in hesitation. The scars that disgustingly adorned my back mocked me so shamelessly, I didn’t dare turn my back towards him. “This is what you wanted right.” His glare softened or maybe the dark played tricks on me. I walked closer towards him until i could see the angles of his face, the loose hair that lay against his ear. I expected an argument but not what he did next.
He took off his shirt and turned around. “If you can’t show me then do it to me.” I Pulled him gently by his waist until his back touched my chest. He shivered under my touch. “You don’t want this Alyss.” I smiled sadly although he couldn’t see it. “Don’t fucking tell me what i want.” He cursed but his words had no anger behind them, the linger of sadness etched itself into them. I obeyed him. Deep down i knew i always would.
I began tracing them behind his back. One after the other when i got to the seventh one he took my hand behind his back and stopped me. When he turned back towards me sadness laid deep in his eyes. “I don’t want your pity.” I scolded him. He pushed me up against the wall and kept his hand at my waist. I was confused. Confused because for the first time i wanted him to do something, anything. His head slouched in the crook of my neck.
“Are we friends Romen?” I nodded my head because deep down i wanted more but I couldn’t tell him that. Only now in this predicament i found myself admitting it to myself. I want him. It pained me because I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve someone so tainted, tainted with bruises, with misfortune and people. He deserves someone who is just as good as him.
“Hmm.” He murmured. He got up from my shoulder then placed his hands at my back. “If we’re such friends then why don’t you show Zora or Zainab this? If we’re such friends then why do you act otherwise?” The deepness in his voice stirred a well in me. “Why are you so fucking scared of the truth? He seethed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this expressive in my time at this school.
The truth. I slowly brought my hands up to his face and kissed him. I kissed him with a desperation akin to that of defying death. This is the closest to the truth you will ever get. I needed this. For the first time in my life i found myself wanted someone, needing someone. I needed his words, i needed his face, i needed his cruelty, i needed his insults, i need every bit of him. He kissed me back the minute i put my lips against his. For once the Gods allowed me what i desired. He tasted like fate. It wasn’t rough, it was a killing desperation. I walked him slowly towards the bed and climbed on top of him before kissing him again. “Alystair.” I breathed, my words froze at the edge of my tongue but my soul connected with his on a level I’ll never be able to put into words. This was not lust, it was everything right, a feeling i had long abandoned the hope of experiencing in my life. I didn’t deserve it.
He responded by trailing each and every scar on my back and brought his hands to the side of my face so gently it scorched me. He kissed me on the forehead and brought me in for a hug. A hug would be a way to simplify it. He connected our bodies by the string that’s always been invisibly hanging between us.
For once I didn’t want day break to come. I would be content to go to my grave in this way. A way i could never explain even to myself.
A/N
It took me two months to think about this chapter, I didn’t know what to do from this route but HERE WE ARE
THIS MIGHT BE MY FAVOURITE CHAPTER 🙁
Did any of you expect that? 🙂
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