“I am a captive bird
with a trembling heart,
I’ll always be there
at your command.”
LISA
It’s been a month since Jennie and I became close. Like very very close. But no one dared to ask what we really are to each other. All we know is that we are more than friends yet we don’t have a label.
Sounds weird right?
But we’re cool with that.
We did our best to hide the romantic relationship that we have from our friends because Jennie is not yet ready to come out. She’s afraid that dating a girl might ruin her image as the president of the Supreme Student Government and I’m okay with that. I understand her if she wants “us” to be a secret.
All that matter to me is her.
Her love towards me.
And my love towards her.
Although our friends sometimes question our actions, still, we manage to convince them that we’re just friends.
I am currently at the rooftop waiting for Jennie. She told me that there’s something I need to know. It’s peculiar how I feel so nervous right now. I feel like something very bad is about to happen. I shouldn’t be thinking this way but it’s been three days since Jennie has been showing me signs that something’s bothering her mentally. I tried to ask but she always come up with another topic in order to bury the issue that I’m trying to unveil. My instinct is telling me to go home and ditch the meeting with Jennie but my stupid heart took over me and so here I am waiting patiently with a box of chocolate in my hand.
I welcomed Jennie with a hug but she doesn’t seem to be herself today. Her face is back to the expressionless woman that I’ve met in the parking lot the first time I set foot in this university. It pinched my heart seeing her this way but I still want to believe that this is just normal in every relationship.
“Are you okay? You don’t look too well. I’m worried,” I tried to break the silence as I sat beside her.
“Lisa,” she called in her deep cold voice. Hearing her speak like that is enough confirmation that she’s not the same girl whom I spent dinner with last Monday.
“Y-yeah?” I replied in a whisper but it was enough for Jennie to hear. I even buffered. I couldn’t hide the nervousness that is starting to leak and occupy my system. And I’m starting to hate where this conversation is going.
“Let’s stop this,” my body suddenly felt numb. My mind stopped working for a moment. I was frozen in my seat while her words echoed in my head a million times like a wrecked radio that keeps playing the same song on repeat, yet no matter how many times her words reiterated in my head, still, I just can’t seem to understand what she meant by it—or maybe I am forcing myself not to understand because I can’t afford to lose her.
“W-what? W-why?”
“I’m bored. I don’t want you anymore.”
“S-stop joking J-jen. This isn’t f-funny,” my voice cracked.
“I’m serious. Let’s stop seeing each other.”
I made her face me by holding her on both of her shoulders.
“Look…look me in the eye and….tell me that again,” Jennie did turn her gaze on me. That unreadable eyes. I hate that.
“I said… let’s stop seeing each other.”
Just like that, I let go of her. After saying those words, she stood up and walked away. I was left unable to move. I was just there looking at the back of the woman who made me feel like my world has been turning in my hands but then in a snap it all hit me with a huge tidal wave of pain.
Now I know that I really have a heart because I can feel it breaking. This is so stupid. I should go and ran after her but I just let her vanish from my sight. I couldn’t even have the guts to tell her how much she broke my heart. But I still love her. It’s not just the happy moments and the butterflies in the stomach that tells me that I love her, but it’s also about the pain. This fucking thorns in my chest!
Where did it go wrong? Where did I go wrong? Why it has to be so sudden like this? Why am I feeling like this? Aren’t I supposed to be the one to call us off first? It was all my plan! Or was it really my plan? I admit I had a change of heart when I kissed her on the the carnival. I selfishly decided to make her mine and make her genuinely happy. But how am I supposed to do that when she doesn’t want me anymore? How am I supposed to make her happy when she broke me like this? How am I supposed to fix myself now?
I’m such a fool.
A fool who fell out of love.
“Lisa?” I felt a soft tap on my shoulder. I turned and saw Joohyun wearing a pair of questionable eyes.
“J-joohyun.”
“Why are you still here? It’s already late.”
That’s when I realized that my surrounding was already enveloped by the sleeping silence of the night. How long have I been sitting here? Why haven’t I noticed how the sun abandoned the day? Was I still waiting for her to come back and tell me it was all just a prank?
I’m so stupid.
I’m so fucking stupid.
“I don’t… I don’t know.”
“What the?! Why are you crying?! Who did this to you?” Joohyun rushed unto me and cupped my face. She then wiped my tears.
When did I start crying? Was I crying? Why am I so weak? It’s just a fucking heartbreak. A painful and fucked up heartbreak.
I couldn’t help it. I burried my face into the crook of Joohyun’s neck. This is better than keeping this to myself. I need someone to lean on. I need someone like Joohyun.
“It hurts. Right here. Inside my chest. I don’t know why but it really hurts Joohyun. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to stop myself from feeling this kind of pain?”
“I know Lisa. It’s okay. It’s okay to be weak sometimes. It’s okay to cry. I’m here. You can lean on me.”
“I hate the fact that I loved her so much. So much that it resorted to this strong affliction. Tell me, does love really hurts like this?”
“Love and pain goes hand in hand Lisa. That’s life. That’s how it is since the beginning. Light won’t exist without darkness. And darkness won’t exist without light. Love won’t exist without pain, and pain won’t exist without love.”
“Loving someone is a fucking torture.”
“No Lis. Don’t let love be the bad guy. Just because some things doesn’t work out doesn’t mean that love is a curse.”
“It’s suffocating me Joohyun.”
“That pain will pass too. Bear with it for a moment. One day you’ll just realize that it has been gone for good.”
“Thank you Joohyun. I’m sorry for crying out to you like this.”
“Don’t be sorry. I’ll always stand by you.”
Joohyun’s right. This pain is an eye-opener that tells me that my feelings for her is true.
Love and pain.
Such a fucking wordplay.
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