The pavements seemed so long that both of them could feel they have been driving for hours already. If it weren’t because of the lampposts on the pavements, it would have been a really boring ride as the ride home was silent. Cate had her face looking out of the window and Sandra knew it was not the perfect time to ask her about anything because she knew the blonde was tired, probably still a bit drunk and she might lash out. The blonde was totally ignoring her like a grounded teenager, but still, somehow Sandra settled with it because the way Cate wrapped herself with Sandra’s jacket was already enough for the brunette.
“Just drop me off here.”
Sandra looked at her with so much confusion, “You’re still a bit far from your house.”
“I said drop me here.”
“No. You’re still far.”
“That’s only a few streets away.” Cate unbuckled herself off the seatbelt, “I want to walk.” She looked at the baffled brunette, trying to convince her, “I said I want to walk.”
Sandra responded by looking back at her for a second before she went back to look at the road ahead as she shook her head. Eventually, the brunette slowed down on a sidewalk before she came to a halt and when she did, she got out of her own car without saying anything.
“What are you doing?” The blonde aggresively asked as she went out, “Why did you get out? It’s snowing!”
“You said you want to walk. Now let’s walk.”
The blonde laughed at her face briefly, “No. I ain’t walking with you.”
“Look…” Sandra crossed her arms against her chest as she seriously took her in, “I get it. You don’t want to be with me right now and I don’t give a fuck to be honest. But human to human, especially that I am a doctor and knowing you are a vulnerable person right now, I need to at least take you home safely.”
“I’m not vulnerable.”
“You’re drunk.”
“I’m not!”
“You were passed out earlier. And I can see it visibly that you are still —”
Cate cut her off, “You know what? Fine. You can walk with me.”
The way Cate’s eyes rolled did not go unnoticed by Sandra. The brunette knew she was pissed; she knew her ex too well and by the looks of it, she knew the blonde was close to exploding. She could tell the blonde was just a few inches away from crying due to frustrations and anger, but what she could not tell was the reason behind it. Sandra watched as Cate started walking, with her jacket still wrapped around her and so she did what she knew could pacify the blonde’s fire down.
“Ice cream?”
Cate turned to look at her side and saw the brunette walking along with her, “It’s fucking 4-ish in the morning and you’re asking me to eat ice cream?”
“Why not?” The brunette retorted as she took a deep sigh, “We used to do it a lot back then.”
“Used to.”
“Not gonna lie, I kinda miss it.”
A low tsk went past the blonde’s lips, “You have a girlfriend now.” She gave her a smile, “You do it with her.”
And right as those words came out of the blonde’s lips, the brunette couldn’t help but feel a mix of emotions stirring inside her – regret for letting go of someone who clearly cared deeply, admiration for the vulnerability displayed by her ex-lover, and a hint of longing for what could have been. Sandra knew her ex too well and with the bluish moon casting a dim light on their faces, she could see the tell-tale signs of love written all over her ex’s face. Damn it, Sandra mumbled under her breath, realizing that she had hurt the woman next to her who was so clearly in love with her. She wanted to tell her that Stacey was not her girlfriend, but as she stood right there, she realized she couldn’t move her lips to spill her honesty anymore because what for?
“Cate…”
Instead of answering back, Cate walked faster and kept her gaze fixed ahead, knowing that engaging in conversation would only lead to pain and heartache. But as she kept on walking, her tears began to fall freely. The blonde could hear the brunette calling her and she knew that Sandra was trying to catch up to her. The blonde tried so hard to dismiss her tears by wiping each drop of it, but the pain in her chest was too much to bear and she ended up just letting it fell as she stopped and sat down on the sidewalk, helpless like a wounded little kid.
“Catherine please…” The brunette spoke as she stood in front of Cate.
“Please what? Please be happy for you?”
The way her voice broke in pain stabbed Sandra. Cate was down on the sidewalk, like a helpless girl, crying. She wanted to reach out and comfort her ex-lover, but she knew it was not her place anymore.
Frustrated and hurt, the blonde stood up and faced the brunette with her face full of tears, “Please what? Be happy for your new found relationship?”
“Stop it. You’re drunk.”
“I’m not!”
“You’re drunk. Let’s go home.”
“Home?” The blonde spit out a laugh of mockery, “You and I haven’t been home since you left me. And me, drunk?” She wiped her tears as she looked at her intently, “Yes, I am. I have been drunk in the ghost of you and even now that you have a fucking girlfriend, I still feel so haunted.” Her lips quivered as she pointed her head, “I can’t get you out of here, Sandy.” She mumbled as two big drops of tear streamed down, “I can’t get you out of my heart either. But I’ll try…” She shook her head as she gave her a laugh, “I’ll fucking try. Congrats on your new relationship. May she love you in ways I couldn’t. May she be the best girlfriend I never was.” She spoke before she attempted to walk away again, but stopped, “And oh, before I forget. I’ll remind myself to delete you on my speed dial and will remind myself to get out of your path, doc. Don’t worry, you will never see my face nor save my face ever again.”
Cate walked away with tears in her eyes, while Sandra stood there watching her disappear into the early morning mist. Sandra wanted to run and tell her the truth, but she knew it would not be fair to Cate or to herself. As she stood there alone, the weight of the situation began to sink in and it was when her tears started streaming down her cheeks. Underneath her shaking feet was a funeral she never wanted to attend, but there it was already.
***
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