The longing inside her eyes painted an abyss field with nothing, but the name of the only woman she had ever loved. Catherine Elise Blanchett. Despite their break up happening two years ago already, and despite how hard she had convinced herself that she had moved on, every bit of her heart still beats for Cate. The world was loud and chaotic, yet she could still hear the echoes of her soul, calling out for the blonde’s name. She could pretend that she didn’t care for her anymore, could pretend she no longer love her anymore, but each night, Sandra would just found her lips touching the rim of her glass, her tongue tasting the bitterness of the alcohol, and each night, she would sit on her balcony, alone, silently feeling the spaces in between her fingers and wishing the blonde would fill each one of it again.
“I love you.” The look on the blonde’s eyes was nothing but pure sincerity and she wished she would have said it even clearer, but the falling of her tears did not make it that easy, “I love you, Annette.” She added with so much conviction as she stood straightly in front of her, “After all these years, after what happened and despite you, constantly pushing me away, I love you.”
Right there, Sandra felt the shaking of her bones. The I love yous that the blonde had spit created earthquakes inside her and in all honesty, she would have wanted to get down on the ground, and proclaim to her that she still felt the same way too, but she did not. She knew she should not.
“And I wish you don’t. I cannot let us be back knowing in the end, you and I will get hurt. I can’t. I would really appreciate it if you and I wouldn’t see each other anymore. Goodbye, Cate.”
Those words were slipping out of her lips like how August was slipping away like a beach glass. But every word, it felt like Sandra was stabbing her own self. Despite how nonchalant she looked like, her insides were screaming for how painful it felt. By the time their little town crumbled, the brunette knew there was no saving it and she knew that going back into the ruins would never bring it back.
“Fuck this.” Sandra mumbled to herself as she realized she had been crying, “And fuck you, Cate.” She laughed as she put down the glass of whiskey on the table, “Fuck you metaphorically and literally.”
It had been two days since their conversation. Two days since she went to work sleepless because how could one sleep when your heart’s too loud shouting someone’s name?
“Why can’t I just fucking forget about you? For fuck’s sake, it’s been two years already. Three years almost. Goodness.” She mumbled to herself as she picked up the glass and drunk it on one go, “Catherine, don’t make this too hard.” And with that, she started to sob for the nth time that night.
How could one forget that very person who made them feel all the firsts in the world? One couldn’t.
“Cate…” The sound of her whisper sounded so much like a warning, “I…” Sandra bit her lip as she met her cerulean eyes, “I…”
Their college dorm was a madhouse and so were their hearts. After two boxes of pizza and bottles of vodka and after spilling secrets after secrets under the dim light of their lamp, they just found their lips candidly revealing the inside of each other’s hearts: I think I love you.
The blonde, all shaky and sweaty, backed off a little, “I’m sorry.” She mumbled as she looked at her, “I’m sorry. We shouldn’t do this, you know? I mean, I love you but we shouldn’t rush things like this. I’m sorry for rushing things and for –”
Just before she could back off even more, Sandra held her hand and pulled her closer again. Their chests met; the beatings of their hearts synching together so melodiously. It’s the night of unraveling secrets. The night of bravery and the night of lighting up the unlit candles of their souls.
“Sssh. It’s not like –”
“No, Annette.” The blonde cut her off, “We just confessed tonight. I shouldn’t have kissed your neck like that. Shouldn’t have touched you like that. It’s so rush. On my end, I know what I am, who I really am for years, but you, you’re not that sure what your sexuality is. And damn me for rushing this. I shouldn’t have kissed you like that. Shouldn’t have acted hastily like –”
Sandra cut her off again by placing a finger on her lips, “Can you please stop rambling?” She asked sweetly as she placed some loose hair on the back of the blonde’s ear, “What I wanted to say is –”
“That you’re not ready and I understand.”
With only the moon and the stars awake, the night was completely silent. With only the lamp as a source of light, their dorm room was bathed in the night’s gloom that had enveloped the entire globe. Sandra did not, however, fail to notice how stunning Cate was despite how dark the entire space was. Her lashes were lengthy and thick. She had a nose that seemed as though it had been sculpted by every god in existence. She had incredibly full, crimson lips. It cannot be disputed that she was incredibly gorgeous.
A low chuckle escaped out of Sandra’s lips, “No, no, not that.” She then touched the blonde’s chin and caressed it sweetly with her thumb, “You’re so goddamn pretty. Fucking gorgeous like hell. And I wanted to say that I haven’t kissed girls. I’ve had boyfriends before, but they’re different.” The brunette explained, her eyes buried deep into the blonde’s, “I’ve never kissed a girl, and I don’t want to disappoint you nor ruin this magical moment.”
“Goodness.” Cate laughed loudly at her, “I don’t know what to say except you’re making me giddy!”
It was Sandra’s turn to laugh, “You’re such a jerk. It’s true though.” She fell silent, “I don’t want to ruin this moment.”
All the silence in the universe seemed to have found a dwelling spot inside their room. Their chuckles faded out like a siren song and the whole space was enveloped with the loud beatings of their hearts.
“Look…” Cate held the brunette’s waist as she gave her a smile, “Look at you, you’re flat on your back against this thin wall, your shirt is on the other corner of this room and you’re standing here, in front of me, wearing nothing but your bra and your Spongebob shorts. You have a hickey on your neck. And look at me, I’m in my worn out pajamas looking like a homeless kid. Nothing could ruin this moment anymore, okay?”
“Still…” Sandra groaned.
“Can you just please stop worrying about ruining this moment just because you haven’t kissed a girl before? Because miss ma’am, I’ve been wanting to kiss you the moment I laid my eyes on you, so please, can I just kiss you? Again?”
It took her a few seconds before she gave her a nod, “Okay…”
Cate smiled at her before holding her chin, “Thank you.” She then placed a kiss on her forehead, and then on her nose, down to her cheeks before the blonde slowly dipped her head and placed a chaste kiss on the brunette’s lips. And with the touching of their lips, all the quite chaos in the world seemed to have been deleted. With that kiss, all buried thirst inside their bodies flowed out hastily like how the sun stretches its hands to lay its thin veiled of sunshine. Cate smiled at her after placing that chaste kiss, but it did not take that long for that smile to be displayed, because like a hungry wolf, Sandra held her nape and pulled her back for another kiss.
With that kiss, they were the statues unveiled. With the dancing of their lips, they were the promises remembered. With their sighs tangled in between that sloppy kiss, they were the lovers meeting in the afterlife.
***
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