The touch of angels and the sweetest language she used to experience died somewhere. And if she could, she would have looked for its grave, but somewhere in between her lonely nights, she would realize – what for? What for when she knew she was the one who murdered it? Why would she bother to look for it again when she knew that only ashes were all she had left of it? Her happy ever after had been cut off for a long time already and she was just foolish to still hope that she could sew its ties again. But could Sandra blame her for still hoping?
Cate went inside her car; the car door gave a loud bang as she closed it. The anger was brewing inside her eyes and she so wanted to break things – at least, in breaking things, she could break something other than herself. But as she sat on the driver’s seat, her sobs came spilling right out of her. Her tears came out so fast and despite not wanting to cry over the whole situation again, she let herself. Unbeknownst to her was the brunette, sitting inside her own car, watching her.
“Damn this.” Sandra mumbled, restraining herself from going out of her car; seeing her ex-girlfriend cry felt like a thousand papercuts on her neck, “I hate to see her cry like this.” She added, biting her lip as she tried so hard not to come out.
She knew she was the reason of it. But what could she do? She could not give her another chance anymore, not when she had built a life without her for almost three years already, not when she had already learned to live alone, be happy alone. The years she had spent with her were the best years of her life, but she had already came to terms that it was over. Still, knowing her ex-girlfriend still loved her bothered her so much.
On the driver seat, Sandra thought about the whole situation – was she rejecting her and telling her to move on over and over again because she did not love her anymore? Or was she just doing it because she somehow want to inflict her the same amount of pain she got because of her? Trapped in her own bubble, Sandra was taken aback when Cate’s car roared into life and in just a few seconds, Cate drove her way out of the parking lot. She did not know what came into her, but she started her car too. She should be going home aleady, but there Sandra was, following her ex-girlfriend’s car.
It did not take that long before Cate’s car came to a halt. The brunette did too and parked a few meters away from where the blonde parked hers. Sandra watched as Cate went out of her car and started walking towards a bench in front of a fountain.
“Goodness…” Sandra mumbled as she realized where they were; it’s the same park where they used to go when they were still in college, “Cate…” She groaned, watching as the blonde took a seat on the bench.
The fountain in front of the bench was still alive. Its water used to have a lot of different lights on it, but now, the colors were only blue and pink. The trimmed bushes that surrounded the square-shaped fountain were gone, but its benches were still there. It used to have a lot of people before, even at night, but now, the only person that was there was Cate.
“Why can’t you just go home and sleep, Cate?” Sandra blurted, she still had something to mumble when her phone started beeping.
Pikey is calling…
She stared at the caller ID for a few seconds before answering it. The first few words sounded so much like a blur and it wasn’t until Rosamund called her attention that the brunette realized she had been staring at the blonde sitting on the bench for quite sometime already.
“Sandy? Are you there?”
Sandra shook her head, biting her lower lip as she took her eyes off the blonde ahead, “Uh yeah.”
“I was just calling about the flowers. I’m glad you love it.”
“Uhm yeah.” Sandra answered, her eyes went to watch the blonde again, “The flowers, yes. I love it.” She added and was startled when she realized that it had started to rain, the raindrops started to pour against her car, “Thank you.”
“I just got off from a taping. Where are you? Can I see you tonight?”
Sandra panicked. Not because Rosamund was asking if she could see her, but because of the fact that it had started to rain and Cate was still there; she just sat there like a little kid, not budging.
“Sandy? You busy?”
The brunette shook her head as she started to look for an umbrella inside her car, “Uhm, yes.” She answered, not really caring if her answer was something Rosamund was expecting.
“You’re busy?” Rosamund chuckled.
“Uhm no! I mean…” The brunette smacked her head as she figured there was no umbrella and Cate was still sitting there under the rain, “I mean, yes. I’m busy.” She sighed, “…Pikey, can I call you tomorrow? I’m really in a rush right now.”
“Oh, no problem. Goodnight, Sandy.”
“Goodnight. And thank you for the flowers.”
When the call ended, the brunette contemplated on what to do. With a finger in between her gritted teeth, Sandra thought hard about where she had put her umbrella. It was just here, goodness. The rain was pouring so hard, but her ex-girlfriend seemed to have been statued on the bench. She wanted to shout at her and tell her to go back inside her car, but she did not want her to know that she followed her there.
“Catherine…” The brunette groaned in frustration, “What are fuck are you doing? You’re gonna be sick!” But as those angry-coated words slipped out of her lips, a gush of worry flashed through her eyes as she saw how the blonde threw her face against her own palms; the blonde was soaking wet and her back was shaking, she was crying, “Fuck this.”
Could you really throw someone out away when for years, you have spent your pale 6 am mornings keeping them safe in the warmth of your arms? Could you, when their heavenly sighs on your neck were the ones that lulled you to sleep? Could you really remove a chapter of her from your book when you know removing it away would mean your story would not be completed?Â
Fuck it.
Sandra knew what she was doing. She knew how she opened her car door and how she chose to walk, under the heavy downpour of the rain, towards the blonde on the bench. The night skies were crying so hard, vomiting out the liquid burden the night skies attained and so was Cate. On the bench, even if the raindrops were coating her face, the tears that traced her cheeks and that ran down through her neck were so visible. When Sandra was only three steps away from the bench, it was when Sandra’s long-held tears finally fell. She cried.
“What the fuck are you doing?” The brunette sounded breathy and desperate; she was soaking wet as she bravely stood in front of the still seating blonde, “Do you want to get sick?” She added before eventually wiping the tears out of her own face.
Cate was shocked. She had never anticipated that the brunette would show up there, still, despite how shocked she was, she never replied. She just gave her a look – a look that illuminated a thousand melancholies – before proceeding to look at the still dancing fountains in front.
“Catherine! What are you fuck are you doing?” Sandra raised her voice, “Do you want to catch a fever?!”
The blonde remained muted.
The brunette then ran her hands across her face in frustration, “Please…” This time, the words that followed sounded desperate, “…stop doing this.”
“Doing what?”
“This.” Sandra shook her head as she cried, “This, whatever you’re doing.”
“Go home.” The blonde replied, “You shouldn’t be here.”
“You shouldn’t be here too.” Sandra wiped her face as the rain began to fall even harder; her tears had been mixed with the raindrops and she did not even know if she was still crying, “It’s raining! Come on, go back to your car.”
“Stop bothering me.”
In her frustration, the brunette took another step and held the blonde’s arm, urging her to get up, “It’s raining!” She shouted, “You’re gonna get sick!”
Cate withdrew her arm and went back to sit on the bench, “Go home!”
“No, not unless you go –”
“Just…” Cate sighed, “…just go home…” The blonde retorted as she threw her face back to her palms, “…please.”
“You know what? Can you just stop acting childish?” The brunette had enough, “Fucking stop this nonsense and go back to your car! Sitting here under the rain? What are fuck are you even doin –”
“I just want the pain to stop, okay?” Sandra was shocked when out of a sudden Cate stood up and shouted it aloud right at her face; they stood an inch away from each other and Sandra saw how Cate’s tears dwelled in her lids before running down her cheeks, “I…” Cate choked on the word as her tears fell, “…I just want the pain to stop.” She mumbled, her eyes looked so melancholic and her voice sounded so depleting that it broke Sandra’s heart, “I just want the pain to stop. That’s all.”
Time stood still and the rain continued to pour over the two. Cate never dared to speak another word and she went back to sit silently on the bench. Sandra remained standing in front, her tears came running down through her cheeks too. Standing there in confusion and pain was never a woman’s dream. Her heels were gradually buried through the wet bermuda grass and somehow, Sandra felt as if she was bare and the mud was coating every inch of her toes, still what bothered her most was the sight of her ex-girlfriend crying silently on the bench. The blonde looked so much like a lonely candle in a mansion about to burn out, but before she could even die, Sandra dropped all her cemented walls and went to hug her. Just like sunset, the wilted plants on that park wilted its existence, but not Cate – not when Sandra crossed the space between them and decided to hug her tightly.
Trapped in Sandra’s arms, Cate sobbed. The brunette was the only altar she knew and in her, she sobbed and repented.
***
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